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Dave Thomas.....Darrell Hammond Angel.....Amy Poehler Colonel Sanders.....Will Ferrell Ray Kroc.....Jimmy Fallon Clara Peller.....Chris Kattan [ open on bright white light, which slowly dissolves to reveal the close-up face of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas ] Dave Thomas: All I remember was seeing this bright light, and being drawn towards it. It was after midnight, so I assumed it was the distant light of one of my restaurants that stay open until one a.m. All I could think about was having one last Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich before I go. Instead, I find myself surrounded by clouds. Angel: You're in Heaven now, Mr. Thomas. The burger wars are all behind you now. Dave Thomas: Just as long as I was the winner. The secret to a good burger is grilling the patty in the shape of a square. You know that, right? Angel: It's all ancient history now. Still.. I thought you might like to visit an old friend. [ Colonel Sanders materializes ] Colonel Sanders: It's been a long time, David. Dave Thomas: Colonel! [ salutes ] Too long. I never thought I'd see you again. Colonel Sanders: I knew our paths would again cross one day. Though it's still sooner than I dared expected. Dave Thomas: I don't recall you speaking that poetic before, Colonel. Weren't you from the South? Colonel Sanders: The times have changed, David. I have been transported to an all-new dimension of being, and have had my eyes opened to the new age of truth and justice. I understand my restaurants have even started hiring coloreds. Dave Thomas: That's nothing compared to Popeye's! Colonel Sanders: Oh, don't get me started with my competition! The day Al Copeland arrives here, he'll get a far worse beating from me than Ron Guidry could ever give him! Dave Thomas: Speaking of the competetion, is Kroc around? [ Ray Kroc materializes ] Ray Kroc: [ peeved ] Yeah, I'm here, Thomas. Ironic that liver cancer claimed your life, since that's what most of your burgers tasted like. Dave Thomas: Hey, now, that's hitting a little below the belt. At least I made better advertising decisions than to have Barry Manilow compose a national jingle. Ray Kroc: Well, you stole my chicken nuggets idea. Colonel Sanders: I'm a little pissed at both of you for trying to capitolize on the whole chicken as fast food concept. You've reduced my restaurant to an acronymed buffet dive! Dave Thomas: Well, it's all water under the bridge now. Nothing left to do but watch how our heirs screw up the businesses we poured our sweat into. Ray Kroc: Yeah, that McFlurry treat they're pushing at my place is just a big joke. Those damn things are so thick, you'd swear they were mashing Walt Disney's head around the cup. I'll tell ya, boys, Sonic's gonna be the death of us all. Colonel Sanders: Amen to that. Dave Thomas: Well, it's been a good life. I brought a lot of smiles to a lot of faces, and if I had to do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing. [ pause ] Now, what time's dinner? Colonel Sanders: In a minute, Dave. We'd like to introduce you to one more old friend. Dave Thomas: Who woul that be, Colonel? Colonel Sanders: [ looks off screen ] Oh, Clara. [ an even scrawnier-looking Clara Peller slowly enters the scene ] Dave Thomas: Clara Peller! Good God, we left you for dead years ago! How have you been? Clara Peller: [ silent, then suddenly ] Where's the beef! Dave Thomas: [ stunned, turns toward Angel ] Complaints Department? Angel: Cloud 2. [ Clara Peller slowly exits left off screen to Complaints Department ] Dave Thomas: Now, about dinner, Colonel? I'm so hungry, I'll even eat a Big Mac. Ray Kroc: The joke's on you, Thomas. A sale is a sale. Dave Thomas: [ getting in a last lick ] Make sure the fries are Biggie Size. [ Ray gives Dave a last dirty look, as the trio exit right off screen ] [ mist covers the screen, as the scene fades ] Rate or review this sketch. |
