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Moe Phun.....Horatio Sanz Host.....Jimmy Fallon Mario Lanza.....Darrell Hammond Vincent Gargiulo.....Seth Meyers Greg Davis.....Jeff Richards Mustafa.....Chris Kattan Heckler.....Will Ferrell [Scene: A comedy club located in Tora Bora. Setting has rural flavor and Will Ferrell sits at front table dressed similiar to his Osama impression. Local comedian onstage in mid-act.] Mustafa: So I say to him, take my wives please! [Enter host. Walks on stage.] Host: That's great Mustafa. Just great. Now get out of here before I slap you. A big round of gunfire for Mustafa. Hit him and win a free drink. Just kidding [gun shots ring out]...oh well. [To audience member.] Don't worry guy, you'll get your drink. Anyways, our next comedian hails from [can't read the name]...somewhere in China. He is the far east's answer to Don Rickles...who I love by the way, he's always so good on Letterman...anyways put your hands together for the comedy stylings of Moe Phun. [Enter Moe Phun. Basically Horatio's character from the 'Golden Ribbon' sketch.] Moe Phun: Hey Afghanistan! My name is Moe Phun. It's good to be here in Tora Bora. Actually I booked a ticket to Bora Bora hoping that I could hook up with some hot babes, this guy knows what I'm talking about. Anyways, you can imagine my surprise when I ended up staying at a hotel run by goats. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Heckler: Yeah, well it didn't stink until you arrived! Moe Phun: [ignoring heckler] No but seriously. It's a great country, a beautiful country, the craters are a nice touch. Now I know what it must feel like to live on the surface of the moon. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Heckler: BOOOOO! What the hell is wrong with you guy! Moe Phun: Now c'mon Afghanistan relax. I know your country is going through changes. Yeah, you just got rid of the Taliban for example. When I was back in America, I saw images of your women forced to wear veils over their faces or face persecution. And as many times as I saw it on TV I could never understand it. Now that I've been here though and actually seen their faces I have to say maybe u should think about reinstating that particular law! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Heckler: Why don't you go back home American dog before we shove a stinger missle up your soft saggy American a**! Moe Phun: Okay hold on. For one thing I'm not American. I'm Chinese. That's right I'm from China. You know the superpower that hasn't kicked your butt. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Heckler: Man, that was cold. [Walks onstage]You have insulted the honor of my people! [brandishes weapon] [Moe begins to cry.] Moe Phun: No...please don't. I'm sorry, Afghanistan is beautiful...not as beautiful as the women who inhabit it of course...and surely you know I was only kidding about superpowers kicking your a**es...the entire world knows that no superpower could ever impose itself on this proud and powerful country. I am a stupid comedian...I don't blame you for hating me but I want u to know that I love u Afghanistan! Heckler: Yes, of course...you were only kidding...u r a comedian afterall...but the troubles of my people weigh heavily on my shoulders...I still feel that beating you to a pulp would make me feel better. Moe Phun: No, no c'mon Afghanistan don't let your troubles get u down. I heard today on the news that the Canadians r sending in troops. Toques and beer for everyone! Heckler: Ha ha ha, oh guy that's a good one. [Heckler puts his arm around Moe.] Moe Phun: You'll be able to recognize the Canadians. They'll be the ones riding moose. If u know what I mean. Heckler: Ha ha ha. Seriously, why would Canadians ride moose? Moe Phun: Cause it's the only animal they have! And besides, have u seen their women! Heckler: Ha ha. C'mon guy, stop u're killing me here. Moe Phun: But hey, if you rent a camel to a Canadian, make sure you charge for the extra hump! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! [Heckler and Moe Phun embrace and laugh hysterically.] Heckler: No more guy...c'mon. Moe Phun: I can't believe u're letting Canadian forces into your country? R u guys trying to rebuild your nation or r u wanting to learn how to play hockey? HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Heckler: I'm gonna bust a gut...oh yeah there it goes.... Moe Phun: Canada trying to help out in this war is like Hawkman trying to help out in the Justice League of America. [Hawkman impression] Hey Superman don't worry about a thing, I'll fly up there and take a dump on Lex Luthor! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Heckler: Ha ha ha, where do you..... [Mario Lanza stands up.] Mario Lanza: Hey! That's my bit. Heckler: Who is this, guy? Moe Phun: It...looks like someone from...the U.S... How did u get here? Mario Lanza: I don't know. One minute I was watching The Goonies on DVD...which is worth buying if only for the extras...and the next thing I know I'm in a lame a** skit, sitting in this stone age pub. I have to say though, excellent buffalo wings. [Vincent Gargiulo stands] Vincent Gargiulo: Yeah, and come to think of it, that moose bit sounds awfully familiar. [Greg Davis stands] Greg Davis: And that Tora Bora, Bora Bora setup was my idea Heckler: Is what they say true? The only thing I hate more than people dissing my country is when people steal other peoples ideas! Moe Phun: Aw c'mon now, I would never do that...I can explain...but first let me formally introduce you all. Attention everyone, I'd like to introduce u to the leaders of the Illinois Taliban. Heckler: What? Illinois Taliban? I hate those guys. [Heckler motions to others. The three are led away. Mario Lanza reaches onto a table and grabs a buffalo wing as he's pushed offscreen.] Heckler: Ah, Moe guy. U're alright. I haven't laughed that hard since a daisy cutter bomb ruined my flower bed. Moe Phun: Thank you. Afghanistan is so kind but I don't deserve it...Moe acted so stupid. Heckler: Hey, c'mon cheer up. Let me sing u a little song. Would that make u feel better? [Moe sheepishly shrugs his shoulders.] Heckler: Thinking back over my years, I guess I've shedded some tears. Told myself time and time again, this time I'm gonna win. But in every fight things ain't right, I'm losing again. Takes a fool to lose twice, start all over again. [Holds mic out for Moe.] Moe Phun: Think I better let it go. Heckler: Looks like another love TKO! Moe Phun: Think I better let it go Heckler: Looks like another love TKO! Voiceover: So what ever became of Mario, Vincent and Greg? Well, upon hearing of their capture, Bill Maher, believeing that the trio were indeed members of the Illinois Taliban, sprung into action. With a little funding from Jane Fonda, rumored head of the Illinos Taliban, and the survival skills he learned during filming of 'Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death', Bill Maher single handedly saved Mario, Vincent and Greg who are currently safe and sound on American soil. Bill Maher, I thank u. SNY thanks u. And America thanks u...even though u're kind of a dumba**. [fade out to the sweet soothing sounds of Teddy Pendergrass's 'Love TKO'] Rate or review this sketch. |
