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Amber Johnson... Maya Rudolph Emerald... Will Ferrell Receptionist... Seth Myers Cindy Crawford... Amy Poehler [Scene opens in a modeling agency. The door opens and a pretty blonde girl walks in.] Receptionist: Hello there, welcome to the Joyce Modeling Agency. May I help you? Amber: Hi, my name is Amber Johnson. I'd like to speak with someone about making a portfolio. I want to be a model. Receptionist: [pulling out an application] Very well. Fill out both sides of this form and include a twenty-dollar application fee. What area of modeling would you like to specialize in? Fashion catalogs? Hand modeling? Swimsuit ads? Amber: Actually, I was hoping to be a supermodel. [The receptionist looks up at her sharply. A dramatic chord plays in the background.] Receptionist: Excuse me, did you say... a supermodel? Amber: Yes, I want to be a supermodel. Like Naomi Campbell and Cindy Crawford. Receptionist: [speaking into a small walkie-talkie] Yes, alpha two, come in. Alpha two, read me. Applicant is here for supermodel position. I repeat, supermodel applicant. Should I send her in? [He listens to a garbled reply and then speaks to Amber] Walk behind my desk, down the hall, and walk through the velvet curtain. Don't let anyone see you. Sit on the chair inside the room and wait. Amber: [a little confused] Um... okay. Thank you. [She walks down the hall, through a curtain, and sits down in a dark room. After about ten seconds, a man emerges from another curtain. He wears dark green sunglasses and a sparkly green jumpsuit. He also wears a cape. He speaks in a booming voice.] Emerald: Hello, child. My name is Emerald. Gatekeeper of the Supermodels and defender of freedom everywhere. Welcome to our fortress. Amber: Uh... hi, Emerald. Emerald: I understand you wish to be a Supermodel. Amber: Yes, ever since I was a little girl. Emerald: Very well. Let me look you over. [He walks around her, appraising her] Pretty face... strong jaw... firm breasts... anorexic body... full lips... yes, you appear to be worthy. Now tell me, child, what super powers do you possess? Amber: Excuse me? Super powers? Emerald: But of course! You can't be a Supermodel without possessing super powers! Amber: I didn't know... Emerald: What, you think that just any pretty girl can walk in off the street and be a supermodel? That's what models are for! A Supermodel is a model with super powers. How could you not know that??! Amber: I just thought a supermodel was a model who was really, really famous. Emerald: Really, really famous? [He starts to chuckle] Ahh... how naive. So sweet and naive. Did you know that Nikki Taylor can transform herself into a bear? She uses this power to fight crime, as well as to catch fish. Claudia Schiffer is made entirely of synthetic metal alloy, she is impervious to rust and to breakdown. She's actually quite a creation, and is unstoppable in battle. Amber: Wow, this is all news to me. What about Cindy Crawford? Emerald: Cindy, come in here. [Cindy Crawford appears in a flash of smoke] Emerald: Cindy, show our visitor what you can do. [Cindy points her hands at a table, and it bursts into flame. She then transforms into a fireball and exits through the wall.] Amber: Wow! Cindy Crawford is made of fire! Emerald: She is also 50% radioactive, so you don't want to be around her too much. Amber: I want to be a supermodel! Please? My super power is... uh... that I can be super bitchy. Does that count? Emerald: Super bitchy? Honey, you ain't seen super bitchy until you meet Iman. Besides, super bitchiness is a requirement for all our Supermodels. That and super bulimia and super hotness. Amber: Super bulimia? How is that better than normal bulimia? Emerald: I'll have to introduce you to Kate Moss sometime. She can vomit out a cheeseburger before she even eats it. It's pretty impressive. She can absorb it through her skin and relocate it into a pile of chunder within a split second. It's like osmosis. Amber: So you're saying that being pretty, bitchy, and having an extreme eating disorder isn't enough? Emerald: Actually you don't even have to be pretty. Have you seen Naomi Campbell? But you do need a super power. I'm sorry, that is the requirement. Along with the bitchiness and the multitude of eating disorders. Amber: I am really good at math. Does that count? Emerald: [shocked] And you call yourself a model? Get out of here! Do not bring your evil math here! Remove yourself from the lair of the Supermodels! Be gone from the Hall of Anorexia! [Amber starts to cry and runs out of the room] [A red phone rings on Emerald's desk. He picks it up and listens to someone speak. He then presses an intercom button and speaks into it.] Emerald: Supermodels, we have a crisis. A terrorist has set a bomb on Hoover Dam. You have one hour to get there. Giselle, fire up the invisible jet. Paulina, Nikki, transform into giant lizards. Cindy, flame on. Onwards, Supermodels, onwards to save the day! [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
