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Wally Cleaver... Will Ferrell Lumpy Rutherford... Horatio Sanz Eddie Haskell... Seth Myers Chip Chambers, the New Guy... Jack Black Ward Cleaver... Jeff Richards June Cleaver... Amy Poehler [Scene opens with familiar opening to TV show "Leave it to Beaver." This entire sketch is shown in black and white.] Narrator: Leave it to Beaver. Starring Hugh Beaumont... Barbara Billingsley... Tony Dow... and Jerry Mathews, as the Beaver. [cut to scene outside the Cleaver house. Wally is talking to his friends Eddie Haskell and Lumpy Rutherford. There's a new kid there as well.] Wally: Hey guys, I want to introduce you to the new guy in my class, Chip Chambers. Chip, this is Eddie and this is Lumpy. Chip: Hey guys. Lumpy, huh? That sure is a goofy name. Why do they call you that? Lumpy: I don't know, that's just a nickname. I guess it's because I'm so soft and doughy. Eddie: Yeah, it's a real swell name for a big guy like Lump. [audience laughtrack] Lumpy: Hey watch it, Eddie. Don't make me clobber you. Wally: How about you, Chip? Why do they call you that? Chip: My dad says it's because I'm a chip off the old block. Eddie: Yeah I seen your dad working at the paint store. It looks like there's a lot of block there to get a chip from. [audience laughtrack] Wally: Aww, c'mon Eddie. Don't be such a creep. Chip's a swell guy. [looks around] Hey, Chip, here comes my kid brother. [Beaver enters the scene] Beaver: [talks very slow and deliberately] Hey there Wally. What's up? Wally: Beaver, this is the new guy in school, Chip Chambers. His dad runs the paint store. Chip: [doing a double take] Excuse me, what was his name again? Wally: His name's Theodore, but we call him Beaver. Chip: Oh my God, your name is Beaver?? Beaver: Most people call me The Beav. Chip: [laughing] Beaver??! Your name is Beaver??!! [Eddie and Lumpy look at each other and shrug. Chip is laughing very hard now.] Wally: What's so funny about his name? That's what we always call him. Chip: [with tears in his eyes] Hey kid, do you know you are named after a female's genitals? Beaver: [confused] Wally, what's "genitals?" Wally: Gee, I don't know, Beav. Chip: Private parts, kid. You're named after private parts. Beaver: [still confused] Gee, Chip, I guess if they're private we shouldn't talk about them. [Chip is now laughing at Beaver's ignorance] Chip: Hey, I got a brother too. We call him Poon. [He erupts into further fits of laughter] Beaver: [not getting the joke] Why would you call a kid Poon? That sure is a funny name. Wally: It sounds Chinese. Is he Chinese? Chip: Yeah my parents were gonna call him Bearded Clam, but they changed their mind. [He starts to crack himself up again] Beaver: [confused] Wally, why would a clam have a beard? Wally: Gee, I don't know, Beav. Eddie: Hey Wally, your friend's a real cut up. But what's he talking about? [Chip is now holding his belly, laughing hysterically] Beaver: I'm still trying to figure out why a clam would have a beard. Chip: [still laughing and trying to talk] Oh man, you guys are funny. You've never heard of hooch before? Wally: [thinking] I think there's a kid named Hooch over at Meridian High. He's on the wrestling team. Lumpy: Yeah, his dad works at the Mobil station. Chip: Oh man, you guys are too much. I can't believe you don't know what Honey Pot is. Wally: Honey pot? Beaver: Gee, Wally, that sounds like something mom would make for dinner. I bet it's really good. [Chip starts to crack up again. He has completely lost it.] Chip: [laughing] Yeah kid, you want to get as much honey pot as you can. Trust me. [He starts rolling around on the ground, howling and laughing his ass off.] Beaver: Gee whiz, Wally, you sure make strange friends. Eddie: Hey squirt, why do they call you Beaver, anyway? Wally: I think it's on account of he had buck teeth and chewed on stuff as a kid. Chip: [nearly composed again] I know why. Your dad probably wanted to pay homage to his favorite thing in the world. And the name Front Crack was too long. [He starts to crack up once again] [Ward and June Cleaver hear the commotion outside the house and walk out.] Ward: Here there, boys, what's so funny? Wally: Gee, hi dad. Do you know what "genitals" mean? Beaver: And what's a bearded clam? June: I've never heard of a bearded clam, dear. I wonder if they are good in wine sauce? Eddie: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver. Our new friend Chip was just laughing at young Theodore's nickname. We were wondering where he got it. Wally: It's on account of he used to look like a beaver, right? Ward: Well, no, boys. Actually it came about one night when your mother and I were upstairs, drinking. We had downed a couple bottles of rum and, pretty soon, we were hammered. It was pretty wild. Your mother had her top off and I was without any pants. At the time, we thought it would be funny to give you boys a clever nickname. And I chose to name Theodore after my favorite thing in the world, which is, of course, a vagina. I wanted to pay homage to your mother's Pleasure Cave. We debated for quite a while, thinking of our favorite terms... June: My favorite was Fur Burger. Ward: ...but after making sloppy love numerous times, we decided to stick with the old fashioned choice, and just called him Beaver. [He puts his arms around his sons] Hopefully that clears up your little debate? [A shot of all the boys, looking stunned. Even Chip is silent, in awe of the story.] Wally: Uh, gee, dad, why didn't I get a nickname? Ward: Well, you do have a nickname, Wally. You mother wanted to pay homage to her favorite thing as well, so she got to pick. What did we decide on, dear? June: [thinking] I think we decided on Thunder Spear. Or was it Mighty Shaft of Zeus? Wally: Um... that's okay. I don't think I want to know. June: Oh, I know. It was Man-Hammer. Didn't you ever wonder why Grandma Dorothy calls you "Ham?" Wally: Okay, I really didn't want to know that. [pause] Please just call me Wally. Ward: Now you boys run along, your mother and I have some things to do. We're going to go upstairs and make sweet animal love. The Ward-dog is gonna get him some of that fine honey pot. [He pats his wife on the butt. Ward and June smile and go back in the house, hand in hand. The boys just stand there, speechless.] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
