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Ashton Kutcher... Jack Black
[Opens with Ashton Kutcher standing in front of a wall. A poster for the movie, "Dude, Where's my Car?" is on the wall behind him.] Ashton Kutcher: Hi, my name is Ashton Kutcher. You may know me from my many TV and movie roles, including "That 70's Show" and "Reindeer Games." But most people recognize me from the hit film, "Dude, Where's My Car," in which I co-starred with that guy who plays Stifler. "Dude, Where's My Car" was an international mega-hit, making hundreds of millions of dollars. One critic called it "A masterpiece of our time, like Citizen Kane, only better." while another said, "If my son one day grows up and makes a film as good as "Dude, Where's my Car," I will be able to die a peaceful and fulfilled man." "Dude, Where's My Car" touched many people, and for that reason, it has changed the way that movies will be made in the future. [He pulls out a reel of film] Ashton Kutcher: This is the first reel of an upcoming film. It is the story of a man's touching struggle with insanity. He must face his inner demons, win the love of his life, and overcome all obstacles in his life. It stars Tom Hanks and was originally titled "Facing the Pain." But it has now been retitled "Dude, Where's a Shrink?" I think we can all agree that this is a much superior title. [He pulls out another reel of film] Ashton Kutcher: This is a romantic drama about a woman's crippling battle with arthritis. Her husband will do anything to give her a happy life, but has no luck at all. Can he one day bring her true happiness? It was originally titled "Living with the Pain," but is now called "Dude, Where's the G-Spot?" [He walks in front of a row of famous movie posters.] Ashton Kutcher: But this change is not restricted to new movies. Some old classics have been renamed, in honor of "Dude." [He points to each poster, one by one.] Jaws has been given the subtitle: "Dude, Where's my Leg?" The story of Oedipus is now called "Dude, Where's my Mom?" The Empire Strikes Back has now been renamed "Dude, Who's my Father?" The Ike and Tina Turner Story is now called "Dude, Where's that Bitch?" Titanic is now subtitled "Dude, Where's my Lifeboat?" The Crying Game is now "Dude, Where's her Vagina?" Braveheart is now known as "Dude, Where's my Freedom?" Philadelphia is now "Dude, Where's my Job?" Seven is retitled "Dude, Where's my Wife's Head?" And Pulp Fiction is now called "Dude, Where's my Briefcase?" [He walks back to the "Dude, Where's my Car" poster.] Ashton Kutcher: I would like to thank all of you for making "Dude, Where's my Car?" the smash hit of the decade. It will truly revolutionize the way that movies are made, for all of us. For the makers of the film, Twentieth Century Fox Pictures, and the guy who plays Stifler, I'm Ashton Kutcher. Good night. [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
