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Hal: Jack Black Tony Robbins: Jimmy Fallon Pretty Girl Image: Tina Fey Man 1: Darrell Hammond Man 2: Seth Meyers Mike Tyson: Tracy Morgan (Hal and Tony get on the elevator together. The elevator stalls) Hal: Great! This is officially the worst day ever. Tony Robbins: Why so down? Hal: I can't get a girl. Tony Robbins: Now why do you suppose that is? Hal: I guess it's because my standards are too high. Tony Robbins: I think I can help. (Two hours later) Tony Robbins: Now, repeat after me three times. I will not be shallow. Hal: I will not be shallow. Tony Robbins: Again. Hal: I will not be shallow. Tony Robbins: Last time! Hal: I will not be shallow! Tony Robbins: Excellent! (elevator starts again) And perfect timing, too! Hal: Thank you for your help. (As Hal looks at Tony, he sees the image of a pretty girl in his place.) You know, you're a pretty girl. I can't remember you being so pretty. Or a girl. Tony Robbins: Hal, I am not a girl. Hal: Shut up and let me squeeze those melons. Tony Robbins: Er, I have to go now! Bye! (runs around the corner and pulls out his handbook) What went wrong? I hypnotized him, asked him to repeat the line three times.. Oh no. Saying it three times brings out the inner beauty of men! For women it's FOUR times! I've created a monster! (Meanwhile, Hal is already on the rampage, picking up men he believes to be women in a park) Hal: Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Man 1: I didn't fall from Heaven, but if it'll keep me away from weirdos like you, I'll give it a shot! Hal: Man, that didn't work. (approaching another man) Baby, you're so hot, you just melted the ice in my drink. Man 2: But you're not drinking anything. Hal: Not yet. Man 2: (uneasy) What does that mean? Hal: What do you say I tell you over at my house? I'm itching to get out of these pants. Man 2: Well, keep itching! (runs away) Hal: Damn, what's wrong with me! (Hal then spots the image of a pretty girl seemingly illuminated by a light from above) Hal: Hot damn, she's perfect! (approaches the image) Hey baby, if I could be anything I'd be your underwear. Pretty Girl Image: Man, I've had enough of this in prison, I don't need any right now! Hal: Oh, you were in jail? I like someone with a bit of a past. Tell me, what's your name? Pretty Girl Image: You mean you don't know? Hal: Come on, what is it? Sarah, Megan, Natalie, Veronica...? Pretty Girl Image: Mike. Hal: Damn, another lesbian! Well, they say prison does that to a woman. Pretty Girl Image: I don't think you understand. Hal: What do you mean? (For the first time, the true identity of the "girl" is revealed to the audience.) Mike Tyson: I'm Mike Tyson. Hal: Oh, you were named after the boxer? That explains the name. Mike Tyson: Look, buddy, I am the boxer Mike Tyson, and if you keep insulting me, I will give you the beating of your life! Hal: You're the boxer Mike Tyson? Right, and how do you explain the feminine voice? Mike Tyson: That's it! (Mike lands a couple of punches before being halted by a voice.) Tony Robbins: Mr. Tyson, stop! Mike Tyson: Tony Robbins, what are you doing here? Hal: (to Tony, groggy from the punches) Come back for more, eh, baby? Tony Robbins: Listen, Mike, I can explain this man's behaviour. I was supposed to hypnotize him so he saw the inner beauty of females. But the spell didn't work and he is now being turned on by the inner beauty of males. I hope you'll forgive me. Mike Tyson: Wait, wait, he was turned on by me, so does that mean... I have inner beauty? Hal: (shrugging) Yeah, I guess so. Mike Tyson: Wow, no one's ever told me that! You know, maybe this is a new day for Mike Tyson. I can start doing good stuff, like reading to the elderly, serving food at the soup kitchen, and building houses for poor people. Hal: That's great, Mr. Tyson. Mike Tyson: From now on, no one can ever say that I'm not a wonderful and beautiful person. (Mike's watch alarm goes off.) Oh, I'd love to stay and chat with you guys some more, but I have to go make orphans of some guy's children in half an hour. Then I'm gonna eat his children! Oh, I can't wait! (leaves) Tony Robbins: Just what kind of beauty are you attracted to, anyway, Hal? (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch. |
