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Homeless Guy.....Jack Black Driver.....Will Ferrell Other Bum #1.....Darrell Hammond Other Bum #2.....Horatio Sanz Other Bum #3.....Jeff Richards [ open on Homeless Guy standing under a bridge ramp holding up sign reading "Homeless, Whatever You Can Spare, Thanks!" Numerous other homeless guys sit around in the background. ] [ cars can be heard whizzing past the Homeless Guy, except for a green Peugeot which rolls into view, stopping in front of him ] Homeless Guy: [ runs up to the window ] Bless you, sir! [ holds hand open for change ] Driver: Right, listen.. I'm from out-of-town, here on business. Can you tell me how to get to the Helmsley Hotel? Homeless Guy: Directions? I thought you were going to give me a handout. Driver: [ stares admonishingly ] The Helmsley Hotel, 225 Baronne St. You know where it's at? Homeless Guy: Yeah.. [ wheels spinning ] Yeah, I know where it's at. I'll give you directions. For $5. Driver: [ bewildered ] $5 just for directions? I'm sorry, but for $5, I'll expect you to lead me there on foot. Homeless Guy: You mean, while you drive behind me? Driver: Yes, that's exactly what I mean. Homeless Guy: Uh.. okay. I'll lead you there on foot. But that's gonna raise my asking price to $10. Driver: $10, you say? That doesn't work for me. It makes it too easy on you, and inconvenient for me. [ thinking ] If you want $10 from me, what I'm going to do is put the car in neutral, while you crouch behind and push me to the hotel. Homeless Guy: Push you and your car to the hotel? Not for less than $15, man! I've got my pride, too! Driver: $15? Are you out of your mind? I'm afraid that's too rich for my blood. Sorry, pal, the deal's off. Homeless Guy: [ panicking ] No! No, don't go away! I'll push you there for $10! I don't need my pride! Driver: Sorry, too late. You snooze, you lose. I'll find somebody else to push me and my car to the hotel for $10. I'm sure there's lots of bums in this part of town who jump at the chance to endure that aggravation for a measly $10. Homeless Guy: Wait! New offer! For $10, I'll wash your car by hand! Driver: By hand? [ thinking ] Suppose you were to use your tongue instead? Homeless Guy: Won't that just cause the dirt to smudge? Driver: [ thinking ] Probably. But it would still be fun for me to watch. Homeless Guy: This is crazy! You're a raving lunatic, man! Driver: [ smiles ] Nah, I'm just messing with ya'! I'll give you a little something for your time. [ fishes into his pocket ] Here's a dime! [ hands the coin to the bum and drives off ] Have a nice day! Homeless Guy: [ outraged ] A dime?! I don't want your stupid dime! [ throws the dime at the car as it drives off ] [ the other bums in the background suddenly jump up and fight over the dime; Other Bum #1 claims the dime for his own ] Homeless Guy: Hey, give that back to me! I dropped it, it was a mistake! Other Bum #1: You want this dime? [ holds it up to the light ] Homeless Guy: Yeah. Other Bum #1: [ bargaining ] Suppose you were to clean my shoes with your tongue? Homeless Guy: For that dime and cardboard box privileges for tonight? Other Bum #1: [ thinking ] Cardboard box privileges, too? Let's say we up to the ante to cleaning my shoes with your tongue, and running around traffic like a chicken with its head cut off? [ other bums laugh at the suggestion ] Homeless Guy: [ absence of pride ] Alright. [ runs offscreen to street flailing his arms and legs like a moron, as the other bums crack up at the sight ] [ zoom out to fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
