|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mrs. Snow... Amy Poehler Principal... Will Ferrell Lots of little kids [Open to scene in a classroom. Lots of young children sit at desks. A sweet looking, elderly teacher sits behind her desk at the front of the room.] Mrs. Snow: Hello, class. And welcome back from your winter break. I hope you all had a nice time with your families. Did any of you do anything special? [Several children raise their hands] Mrs. Snow: [pointing to one] Yes, Mary? Mary: My daddy took me to visit grandma's house! And we ate cookies! Mrs. Snow: That certainly sounds like a lot of fun. Did you know that I am a grandmother? I love when my grandchildren come and visit me. And you, Peter? Peter: I lost two teeth! And the tooth fairy came to my house! Mrs. Snow: I hope she left you some money! And you, Kevin? Kevin: My mommy and daddy took me to Disneyland. Mrs. Snow: Well, that sounds like quite a trip! Kids, do you all know what Disneyland is? Peter: It's where Mickey Mouse lives! Mary: They have Toon Town there! Mrs. Snow: But did you also know that it is a Zionist organization which exists solely to numb you to their numerous ethical and political violations? That through their blatant payoffs to our leftist government, they are able to help take away the freedoms that we as patriotic Americans have fought for throughout history? That Disneyland is the enemy of good white people across the country? [Kids are silent] Mrs. Snow: No, I bet you didn't know that. But I bet you had fun with your parents, Kevin. My daddy took me there when I was a little girl. Billy: My family flew to Florida for vacation! Mrs. Snow: Well that certainly sounds like a fun trip, Billy! Kids, did you know that it is not safe to fly right now? Our government is telling us to fly, despite the risks, in an attempt to bend us to the will of their so-called war? Class, our own government is the true enemy, and we will one day rise up to topple their rule. You all know that someday, the Aryan master race must one day take back our land. Class: [in unison] Yes, Mrs. Snow. Mrs. Snow: Billy, did you know that the white army of purity will one day wash over the land, sweeping the inferior races from its borders? Billy: Um.... okay. Mrs. Snow: Class, it is time to take out your textbooks. We are going to work on story problems today. [the kids takes out their books] Jenny, please read question number one. Jenny: Mr. Wilson has ten apples. If he gives half his apples to Mr. Smith, how many apples will each have? [stops to think] They will each have five apples. Mrs. Snow: Very good, Jenny! Now, what if we replace apples with guns? Say that you have ten guns, and the government raids your farm and takes five guns. How many guns will you have, with which to fend off their attack, shooting anyone who dares try to take away your liberty? [Class is silent] [There is a knock on the door. Mrs. Snow looks over and sees the principal standing outside the classroom.] Mrs. Snow: Excuse me, class. I will be right back. [She walks outside and talks to the principal in the hall] Principal: Hi, Betty. I just wanted to have a word with you regarding your teaching methods. We have had a lot of complaints lately regarding your political views being subverted into your teaching lessons. Mrs. Snow: I don't know what you are talking about. I'm just teaching math right now. How can politics get in the way of math? Principal: One parent reported that you said [reading off a piece of paper] "How many Aryans would be left in two generations if four coloreds bred among them and sullied the master race." I'm not really sure that's the message we want to teach here at Happy Valley Elementary. Mrs. Snow: I'm just trying to teach problem solving! Principal: Or how about this one you used on a test: "How can you count the number of federal workers you need to eliminate in order to get your message across?" That's not even a math problem! Mrs. Snow: It's an essay question, it requires thought. Principal: Look, Betty. I know I took a chance when I hired a white supremacist to teach second grade. The school board didn't really back me on the choice, but you had good qualifications, so I took a gamble. But I'm not sure this is really working out. Maybe I made a mistake. Mrs. Snow: Just tell me what I'm doing wrong and I can change! I'm trying my best here. Principal: For one thing, no more handouts! Marcie Keller's mom was very upset with the paper that she brought home. Mrs. Snow: I just thought it would be of interest to some parents. Principal: You gave her an application to join the "Aryan Warriors of Christ" neo-Nazi group! Marcie Keller is seven years old! Mrs. Snow: Okay, that was probably a bit too much. But I saw some leadership potential in her. She could really help the cause someday. Principal: I'm afraid we are going to have to let you go, Betty. This just isn't going to work out. We teach the three R's here at Happy Valley. And that does NOT stand for reading, writing and racism. Mrs. Snow: But I just want to teach children! That's all I have ever wanted to do! To expand their young minds! To fill their hearts with a knowledge of math... Principal: Okay. One more chance. Mrs. Snow: ...And also fill their hearts with a hatred of Jews. Principal: [disgusted] Okay, that's it. Your services are no longer needed at Happy Valley Elementary. Please pack up and leave. [She angrily turns on her heel and puts on a knitted scarf. Her scarf is colored like a confederate flag and has a swastika on the back. She storms off.] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
