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Ted Koppel.....Darrell Hammond President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell Voiceover: "America on Alert: The President Chokes, Day 7". Brought to you by Duracell. Keeps going and going. Now, here's Ted Koppel. Ted Koppel: Good evening, welcome to "America on Alert: The President Chokes, Day 7". An intense week for President Bush, which started seven days ago when he choked on a pretzel and fainted, all while watching a football game in the privacy of his own bedroom. More mayhem later in the week, when the President visited New Orleans, Louisiana to discuss his trade plan for the nation's economy, and had more trouble digesting food. Here, via satellite, to explain his worrisome week, is the President of the United States, George. W. Bush. Mr. President, you've faced a very courageous week. Looking back on it now, how has it changed you? [ cut to Bush on satellite, head wrapped in bandages, swollen mouth, padded gauze over left cheek. Because of his swollen mouth, he has a mumble when he talks. ] President George W. Bush: I'm not going to lie to you, Ted. It's rough on a grown man when he realizes that he can't master the art of chewing basic foods. The White House physician has recommended that I only eat soft foods from now on. Foods like applesauce and pudding. I like pudding. I like the kind that comes in the little container where you have to pull back the lid to get it open, because I like to lick the excess pudding off the bottom of the lid. Ted Koppel: Alright. You were in New Orleans this week to discuss your domestic agenda. Could you describe the events of your visit? President George W. Bush: New Orleans is a great city, Ted. A party city. Maybe I partied too much, as you can see. Things got off to a great start Monday evening when I arrived. I had dinner with Governor Foster at Antoine's, where I feasted on the restaurant's famed oysters Rockefeller, then severely burned the roof of my mouth while eating grilled fillet of pompano. I'm talking third degree burns or higher, Ted. The kind that leaves blisters on the inside of your mouth for weeks. I lost my taste buds in the fire, but I can feel the skin from the roof of my mouth hanging down and resting on the back of my tongue. Ted Koppel: So, dinner was a veritable disaster? President George W. Bush: Not necessarily. The baked Alaska we had for dessert was good, though, like I said, I couldn't taste it because I burned my taste buds. Ted Koppel: Well, that explains your swollen mouth, Mr. President. But, tell me, how did you bruise your left cheek? It looks worse than it did seven days ago when you landed on it in the White House. President George W. Bush: That's a funny story, Ted. I was eating lunch at O'Henry's the next day, when I began to choke violently on a stuffed jalapeno. I then fainted and fell to the floor. As you know, Ted, O'Henry's allows its patrons to feast on complimentary peanuts, then discard the shells onto the floor. Needless to say, I landed face first into a pile of sharp peanut shells, which accounts for the severe bruises on my left cheek. Shortly after regaining consciousness, I was approached by Al Copeland's attorney, John Martzell, who wanted me to testify that I'd received the bruises from a confrontation with Ron Guidry. I told Mr. Martzell that I had to decline his offer because I was only in town for the day. Ted Koppel: And to what do we owe the head injuries? President George W. Bush: [ touches the bandages wrapped around his head ] This? Oh. [ chuckles ] It's kind of silly, really. Governor Foster invited me to take a spin on his Harley. I have no idea how to ride a motorcycle, but I didn't want to be rude, and so one thing led to another, and.. let's just say it's not covered by HMO! Ted Koppel: Alright, fair enough. This brings us to a close. Is there anything else you would like to say, Mr. President? President George W. Bush: Yes, there is, Ted. First of all, if I'm feeling better in two weeks, I'm going back to New Orleans to see the Super Bowl! And, secondly, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch. |
