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GLORIA, a permed and perfectly made-up moderator, faces camera MCU. Gloria: (up, enthusiastic) Call now and see for yourself! Our drunken psychics are real! WS reveals three mu-mu'ed and bangled women, BRENDA, SYLVIA AND SHERRY on a low-rent designer sofa, pouring out shots of whiskey, munching chips n dip and having a high old time fielding phone calls from "clients".The ashtrays are overflowing. Empty beer bottles litter the coffee table & rug. Phone rings. BRENDA picks it up. Brenda: (Overloud) Yah? What? (The other two are making so much noise, laughing and gabbing, that she can't hear.) Brenda: Hol' on a minnid. (To the other two:) SHADDUP! (Back on the phone:) Yah? Gloria: (MCU) Debbie Peterson of Paterson, New Jersey got a free reading and you can, too! CHYRON FLASHING TITLE: CALL NOW!! Debbie V/O: Umm, my husband works late, y'know, every night, and sometimes he doesn't come home at all. CHYRON FLASHING TITLE: 1-900-900900 (The three psychics can be heard laughing in bg) Debbie V/O: I -I found lipstick on his collar when I was doing the wash... Sylvia: (CU - into phone) You're husban's cheading on you. (She suppresses a laugh, raises her glass and winks at the other two -Brenda & Sherry crack up) MCU GLORIA "reacts" incredulous, looks into camera jaw-dropped w/ amazement Debbie V/O: I knew it! You're amazing!! Sylvia: S'nuthin' honey. Figed aboudid. CHYRON FLASHING TITLE: FREE READING!! Gloria: We asked these shoppers what they thought of our incredible drunken psychics and here's what they had to say! Teenage Girl in Mall: It's like they can read minds or somethin'! Car Mechanic by Outdoor Pumps: They like to knock 'em back, that's for sure! Guy Trying on Pants in Dressing Room: Hey, what the- ? Get the heck outa here! Gloria: Our drunken psychics are for real! See for yourself! Sherry: You have a secret, right? Something you never told anybody? Brad V/O: Well, um, yeah... MCU GLORIA "reacts" incredulous, looks into camera jaw-dropped w/ amazement CHYRON FLASHING TITLE: FREE PSYCHIC READING! Sherry: And have you shared this little secret with the police...? (She cracks up, spills drink in her lap..) Oh, shhh- Brad V/O: (Outraged) You're unbelievable, you two-bit- Gloria: What on earth are you waiting for? Call our drunken psychics now for a free psychic reading! CHYRON FLASHING TITLE: CALL! NOW! ABSOLUTELY FREE! (Brenda, Sylvia & Sherry hysterical on sofa, three sheets to the wind. Phone rings -they react startled, then laugh even louder.) CHYRON FLASHING TITLE: 1-900-900900 1-900-900900 Brenda: When you were three years ol' your mom divorced your father and moved your whol' family from the suburbs of Chicago to a coldwader tenement in downtown Baltimore where you were caught stealin' comic books and sent down to Juvie. MCU GLORIA "reacts" incredulous, looks into camera jaw-dropped w/ amazement SYLVIA & SHERRY can be heard whispering in bg Sherry: That happened to you, too, Sylvie. Sylvia: Mmm-hmm. You know it, girlfriend. Brenda: Thus starding a downward spiral into life as a career criminal 'fore bein' rebilitated and landin' a big fat job as a white house stenographer. An' you're on Prozac. Wendy V/O: (In tears) You're absolutely right! CHYRON FLASHING TITLE: NO WAITING! CALL NOW!! Woman on Escalator in Mall: (CARRYING SHOPPING BAG FILLED WITH GALLON BOTTLES OF BACARDI) She made me feel, oh, I don't know.. (Shot: GLORIA holding microphone, obviously not on escalator, reacts incredulous and looks to make sure camera is on.) Woman on Escalator in Mall: ..more connected to the spirit, somehow... Skateboarder in Venice: Like my whole life hasn't been wasted, like there's some big dude out there, y'know, watchin' over me. (Laughs) I dunno, it sounds silly when you talk about it... Waitress at Muffin Oven: Rilly, rilly gnarley, weird, alcoholic, insightful -they just taught me so much, um, are you gonna order? Gloria: Our drunken psychics are waiting right now to take your calls! So hurry, call now, it's absolutely free!! CHYRON FLASHING TITLE: CALL FREE NOW FREE CALL!!! WS BRENDA, SYLVIA & SHERRY on sofa. They raise their glasses in a toast to the camera and in sloppy unison say: Brenda, Sylvia & Sherry: Trust us! BRENDA & SYLVIA clink glasses. Sherry: We're for real!! SHERRY joins the toast a beat too late, knocking the other two's glasses out of their hands, dousing them in whiskey. Sylvia: Ohh! Brenda: Sherry, you stupid cow- MCU GLORIA "reacts" incredulous, looks into camera jaw-dropped w/ amazement, then closes her mouth, shrugs, and smiles. CHYRON TITLE: PAID ADVERTISEMENT FROM THE NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF DRUNKEN PSYCHICS Rate or review this sketch. |
