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Lisa.....Amy Phoeler Jason....Seth Meyers Mr. McCracking.....Jack Black Mrs. Keebler.....Ana Gasteyer (Scene opens with a shot of a banquet room with a buffet table and people mingling. Pan out to a class banner reading "Welcome Class of '92!" Now scan to the doorway where Jason and Lisa enter.) Lisa: The organizers sure booked a large banquet hall, huh? Jason: Uh...it was a small school... (awkward pause) Jason: Well..hey, hey that's my old sex-ed teacher Mr. McCracking! Let's go say hello! (Lisa follows) Jason: Mr. McCracking..hey, how 'ya doing? Mr. McCracking: Huh?...oh hey! You are....? Jason: It's Jason. Remember second period? Mr. McCracking: Ah yes...ok, how are you? Jason: Good (looks over at Lisa) Very good. (laughs) Mr. McCracking: Very nice looking lady you have there. (licks lips) Jason: Yep. This is Lisa. Lisa, Mr. McCracking. Mr. McCracking, Lisa. Lisa: Pleased to meet you. I see you have taught Jason very, very well! Mr. McCracking: The pleasure is all mine... (attempts to kiss her hand; Lisa pulls away) Jason: So, what have you been up to? Are you retired? Mr. McCracking: (nervous chuckle) Well I kind of am in a pickle right now.. Lisa: How so? (Jason has inquisitive look on face) Mr. McCracking: Uh...well, do you remember that unit when we discussed STD's and how to prevent getting them? Jason: Yes.. Mr. McCracking: Well, I was diagnosed with herpes five years ago, and I have reoccurring pubic lice. (Jason's face looks confused and then bursts out into laughter) Jason: HAHA! Wow. The guy who was paid telling us how not to get STD's, gets not one but TWO himself! HAHAHA! (Lisa and Mr. McCracking share a nervous chuckle) Mr. McCracking: Remember, abstinance is the only way.. Jason: Right.. we'll just move on now. Lisa: Nice talking to you Mr. McCracking.. (Mr. McCracking mumbles something. Jason and Lisa scan the room and spot an obese lady with graying hair and glasses and walk over) Jason: (whispering) I think that's Mrs. Keebler, my old Phys Ed teacher. She used to be built like a rock.. (aloud) Uh..Mrs. Keebler? Mrs. Keebler: (turns head abruptly with mouth full of cake) Mghsdnsdfjit! Jason: Excuse me? Lisa: I think she is trying to say hello.. Mrs. Keebler: (swallows and wipes away food) Oh, hello...Jason? Jason: (fake smile) Yes, yes that's right.. (voice trails off) Mrs. Keebler: I know, I know. Go ahead and say it: The former gym teacher who was a former bodybuilder now is over 300 pounds and has had more heart problems than Dick Cheney. (Jason and Amy look at each other) Jason: (stammering) No..nnoo, we weren't going to imply that. Mrs. Keebler: You listen here, you preppy boy! I've had enough about my wieght problems from so many former students, that I don't need it from you...or her! Lisa: But I.. Mrs. Keebler: Zip it, slut! (Lisa lets out a shriek) (Mr. McCracking hears this and hurries over and tries to restrain Mrs. Keebler) Mrs. Keebler: Get your STD-infected hands off of me! (Mr. McCracking gets a snarl on his face) Jason: Come 'on Lisa, let's get out of here. I've had enough nostalgia! (camera zooms out to see Jason and Lisa exit with Mrs. Keebler and Mr. McCracken still fighting...) (fade) Rate or review this sketch. |
