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(Cut to a cheering crowd sitting in a church. Game show music like that of the "Price is Right". Father Ron calls out names and we see the called-on contestants go up to the front of the church.) Father Ron: (OFF-SCREEN) Tim Sutherland, come on down! Jessica Hendrix, come on down! Claude Abrahams, come on down! And Angela Nilsson, come on down! You are the first four contestants on "The Bible Says So!" (We see the four contestants at podiums.) Father Ron: (OFF-SCREEN) And now here is the host of "The Bible Says So", Father John. (Father John comes out to glorious applause.) Father John: Thank you and welcome to "The Bible Says So". Let's see the first scripture verse up to read. (The camera pans over to a large screen showing the following verse. A nun is there being like Vanna White.) Father Ron: (OFF-SCREEN) "While they were yet talking with him, the king's eunuchs arrived and brought Haman in haste to the banquet had prepared." (Cut back to Father John with the contestants.) Father John: All right contestants. Tell me. Does the Bible say that? Tim: Yes. Jessica: No. Claude: No. Angela: Yes. Father John: The correct answer was yes. It comes Esther 6:14. So Tim and Angela, you advance, and Jessica and Claude, you both are going to burn in Hell for not knowing your bible. (Claude and Jessica walk off disappointed.) Father John: All right, Tim and Angela, we're going to need a tiebreaker? So let?s see the next scripture verse up to read. (Cut to the screen again.) Father Ron: (OFF-SCREEN) "And Jesus said to Peter "Let's all go to the zoo tomorrow."" (Cut back to Father John with Tim and Angela.) Father John: All right, Tim. What do you think? Does the Bible say that? Tim: No. Father John: Angela? Angela: Yes. Father John: Oh, I'm sorry Angela. Tim was right. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, Jesus and Peter went to the zoo. Angela: God dammit. (A strike of lightning from above zaps her. Tim walks over to Father John.) Father John: All right, Tim. Ready to play a game? Tim: Yes. Father John: All right, well. Here we see five pictures of notable people in world history. (We see the pictures of the following people on the large screen.) Father John: (OFF-SCREEN) Adolf Hitler, Mohandas Gandhi, Bill Clinton, the Monty Python gang, and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. (Cut back to Father John and Tim.) Father John: What I want you to do, Tim, is to put these pictures in order from the most good to the most evil. You think you can do that? Tim: I think so. Father John: All right, then. You have thirty seconds. Starting...now! Go! (The crowd cheers on Tim as he goes to a board with all those pictures on it. He arranges them in this order: Jesus Christ, Mohandas Gandhi, Monty Python, Bill Clinton, and Adolf Hitler. When he's done, he walks over to Father John.) Father John: All right. You done? Tim: Yes. Father John: (putting a microphone in Tim's face) Okay. Ask him, God, do I have one picture right. Tim: God, do I have one picture right? (An organ sound is heard. Audience cheers.) Father John: Yes, yes. Tim, ask him, God, do I have two pictures right. Tim: God, do I have two pictures right? (An organ sound is heard. Audience cheers.) Father John: Yes, yes. You're on your way to eternal life in Heaven. Ask him, God, do I have three pictures right. Tim: God, do I have three pictures right? (Nothing.) Father John: All right, well. You need to do some switching. So get over there and make your move. (The crowd cheers Tim on again as he walks over to the board and re-arranges the pictures in this order: Jesus Christ, Mohandas Gandhi, Bill Clinton, Adolf Hitler, Monty Python. When he's done, Tim walks back next to Father John.) Father John: All right, who do we got? You put Jesus first, that's good, Gandhi second, Bill Clinton third, Adolf Hitler, and last and most evil, the Monty Python gang. All right. Let's see the first picture. (We see the picture of Jesus Christ go on the big screen. Audience cheers.) Father John: (OFF-SCREEN) Well you were right there. It don't get much gooder than Jesus. Let's see the next picture. (The picture of Bill Clinton goes on the screen. The audience goes "Ohh!") (Cut back to Father John and Tim.) Father John: Oh, I?m sorry Tim. It was Bill Clinton next. Tim: It's all right. I'm Jewish anyway. Father John: Let's see the other pictures. (We see the pictures of Monty Python, Adolf Hitler, and Gandhi go up one by one on the screen.) Father John: (OFF-SCREEN) Yeah. Monty Python was third. Hitler was fourth. And of course, Gandhi was fifth because he was a Hindu. (Cut back to Father John and Tim.) Father John: Tim, it was nice to have you on the show? Maybe you can still make purgatory. (Father John shakes hands with Tim and Tim walks off.) Father John: Well, that?s all the time we have for today, folks. Remember the name of Christ and hate all homosexuals, Protestants, and other religions. I'm Father John and speaking for Sister Mary and Father Ron, goodnight. Rate or review this sketch. |
