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The Anal Retentive Driving Examiner.....Chris Kattan Lauren.....Britney Spears Boy.....Justin Timberlake (scene fades in showing a DMV sign and a parking lot. We hear tires screech and a close up of the interior of a car. Seated inside is a grumpy, older man with black glasses and gray hair. In the driver's seat is a young, blonde haired kid. The examiner takes a sigh of relief and adjusts his glasses and clipboard.) Boy: So...does that mean I fail? Examiner: (sighs) Yes..I would say that almost sideswiping a stretcher near the hospital is subject to a failing grade. (sighs again) Come back again in a week to try again. Would you let the next student know they can come out here. Boy: Ai'right. (Boy gets out and goes off to the left and finds a cute looking girl exposing her navel. The Boy stops, sizes her up, and whistles) Boy: Hey there pretty lady, you can take your test now. (He points at her, winks, flashes a smile, and makes cracking noises with his mouth) Lauren: (giggles) Ok, thank you. (She approaches the car, gets in, and hands the examiner a sheet of paper) Examiner: (studies paper closely) Ok...Lauren, put her in drive and follow my instructions. (she puts the car in Drive and starts to pull out) Examiner: Stop! Stop! (the tires squeal and they both lurch backwards into their seats) Lauren: What? What did I do? Examiner: (sighs) Put the car back in Park and try it again. Lauren: Try what again? Shifting? Examiner: (looks at her like she's stupid) Yes... Lauren: Uh..I don't remember seeing that in my... Examiner: Just try it again. (she shifts into Drive again) Examiner: No, no, no! Let me show you how! (Lauren falls back surprised and frustrated) Lauren: (bites her lip) Uh...does this mean I failed? (Pause and Examiner glares at her and starts busting out laughing and then abruptly stops) Examiner: Just forget that and start again.. (trails off with a slight chuckle) (Lauren shakes her head and pulls out again. She goes 15 seconds until being stopped again) Lauren: (frustrated) What now?! Examiner: Don't get sassy with me young lady or your butt will be failed!...Anyway, put on your windshield wipers, I want you to clean the windows. Lauren: (A look of confusion on her face as she looks at the spotless windshield) But its not raining..and they're clean too. (Examiner pulls glasses down to his nose and looks up at her with an orderly look.) Lauren: ok, ok. (she puts on the wiper blades and leaves on for about a minute.) Can I shut these off now? (The examiner, leaning forward and staring at the window intently, ignores her.) Examiner: And....now! There, I think we got it. Lauren: Uh, what were we trying to get? Examiner: The window was dirty. That is an unsafe driving condition. (Lauren once again shakes her head in disgust) Examiner: Now, I want you to apply approximately .012 pounds of force on the left turn signal handle and make a smooth left turn. Lauren: (gives a blank stare) How do I do that? Examiner: What, make a left turn? If you don't, you can leave now missy. Lauren: (getting frustrated) No! Applying 0.2 pounds of force or whatever! Examiner: (matter-of-factly) Well surely you are or have taken physics, correct? Lauren: Well yes, but I can't measure... Examiner: Then your teacher is an idiot. Any good driver knows how much force they are using to apply a turn signal... Lauren: (frazzled) Hey! Don't talk about Mr. Sampson like that! Plus, my parents are good drivers and they don't have a scale with them when they drive. Examiner: (smirk appears) You obviously don't take after your parents then... (Lauren gets a shocked look on her face) Examiner: (continuing) ...and they probably lasted longer during their driving test. You failed before you even got in a car. I am that good. (flashes arrogant smile) Lauren: That's it! Screw this! (she slams the gear shifter into park, throws off her seatbelt, pushes the door wide open, and slams it shut so hard the car shakes. The scene ends as The Examiner is almost in a total breakdown state) (fade out) Rate or review this sketch. |
