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Announcer.....Amy Poehler Kathie Lee Gifford.....Ana Gasteyer Yassar Arafat.....Chris Kattan Ariel Sharon.....Darrell Hammond Osama bin Ladan.....Will Ferrell Mullah Omar.....Horatio Sanz President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell [Scene: Podium of an awards show. The words "Nazi Golden Globes" appear on screen.] Announcer: And we now return to the Nazi Golden Globes with your host, Kathie Lee Gifford. [Camera cuts to Kathie Lee.] Kathie Lee Gifford: Thank you. Thank you. Well, we've arrived at the last two awards of the evening. And we're only 2 hours overtime...ha ha ha. Seriously though, I thought Milosevic would never shut up. It was a taped acceptance speech, couldn't we have fast forwarded? Ha ha ha. Alright, well enough fun let's get back to the awards shall we. Our next award is a biggie. Winning this award is like winning the Superbowl of evil. So, let's check out the nominees for Outstanding Contribution to Evil by a Duo or Group. First nominees are the Catholics and Protestants of Northern Ireland for creating a climate of continued unrest and fear. [Cut to shot of Seth Meyers and Jeff Richards with hands around each other's throats.] Announcer: This is the 20th year in a row these two have been nominated. They have been called the Susan Lucci of the Nazi Golden Globes...but not anymore because she won the Emmy and ruined everything...thanks Susan! [Cut back to Kathie Lee Gifford.] Kathie Lee Gifford: Our second nominees are the Hutus and Tutsis for maintaining a climate for potential massacre in central Africa. [Cut to shot of Tracy Morgan and Dean Edwards. Dean Edwards turns around to wave at the audience and on his back has sign that reads "Slaughter me!". Tracy Morgan tries to hide his laugh.] Announcer: This duo won this award back in 1994 when they took ethnic cleansing to a whole new ultra-violent level. [Cut back to Kathie Lee Gifford.] Kathie Lee Gifford: Our third nominees are the Israelis and the Palestinians for their ongoing contribution to tension and violence in the Middle East. [Cut to shot of Arafat and Sharon sitting next to each other grinning and crossing their fingers. Sharon crosses his legs and Arafat laughs hysterically.] Announcer: This is the first nomination for this duo in almost 10 years. They've managed to sabatoge the peace process and get things back on track. [Cut back to Kathie Lee Gifford] Kathie Lee Gifford: And our fourth and final nominees are the cast of MadTV for creating a torturous hour of television, week in and week out. [Cut to picture of the cast.] Announcer: Though they have been injuring our senses and insulting our intelligence for years, this is the first nomination for MadTV but surely not the last. [Cut back to Kathie Lee Gifford.] Kathie Lee Gifford: And the winner is...The Israelis and the Palestinians for their ongoing contribution to tension and violence in the Middle-East!! [Cut to shot of Arafat and Sharon making their way to the podium. Camera follows them.] Announcer: This is the first time the Nazi Golden Globe has been won by a Jewish group. With Yassar Arafat accepting this award he becomes the first person to have ever won both a Nobel Peace Prize and a Nazi Golden Globe. Yassar Arafat: Oh my goodness...I can't believe this. Ha ha, a Peace Prize and a Nazi Golden Globe...I'm the king of the world!!!!!! Ariel Sharon: Yes, this is very exciting. I want to thank everyone who has made this award possible. I'd like to thank Mr. Arafat who makes it easy for my people to hate all Palestinians everywhere. Yassar Arafat: Oh please. Thank you. You are such a hard line son of a...gun how can my people not hate you and the people of Israel for voting for you? Ariel Sharon: Well thank you. You know I'm thinking of putting in a new settlement. Yassar Arafat: That's great, where? Ariel Sharon: Between your ears, lots of space there! Yassar Arafat: Ha ha ha. You're the best man. [They hug. Arafat turns slightly to the side to acknowledge the crowd. Sharon hits him in the head with the award, knocking him down. Arafat gets up and undoes coat to reveal dynamite strapped around his body.] Ariel Sharon: Oy vay! [runs off with arms flailing above his head with Arafat chasing him.] Kathie Lee Gifford: Man, those two are great. I guess we won't have to worry about.. [makes quote sign] .."Peace in the Middle-East" while those two are around. [sighs] Terrific. Alright, well we've come to the moment many of you have been waiting for. It's time for the Hitler Lifetime achievement award. It isn't easy to get this award let me tell you. I've put out 11 albums and still nothing. Seriously though, many of us think of Sept 11. as a single flash of pure evil but what we don't realize is that it was one man's lifelong dedication to intolerence and violence that allowed it to happen. Well, I'm sure you know who I'm talking about, so let's get him out here...you know him you hate him...the winner of the Hitler Lifetime Achievement award is Osama bin Laden... [Osama walks onstage pushing a large object that looks like a mobile slushi machine. One of the wheels squeaks loudly.] Osama bin Laden: Thank you. Thank you. I'm very honored. Kathie Lee, I want to tell you I've heard "Heart of a Woman", and let me tell you, it is pure venom from the depths of hell. Kathie Lee Gifford: Aww, you're sweet. Osama bin Laden: No I mean it, pure venom, keep it up. [looks back at audience] Man, they can build a nuke in a suitcase but this is the smallest dialysis machine I could get my hands on. What the hell? Ha ha. But seriously, I would like to bring someone out here. I wouldn't be here without him, come on out Omar. [Mullah Omar walks onstage with a Big Gulp cup. Stops at dialysis machine and fills cup with brown slush like material.] Osama bin Laden: Dammit, Omar I told you that isn't a slushi machine. Mullah Omar: [takes a sip] Mmmmm, that's Osama bin delicious!!!! Osama bin Laden: Geez, guy that's disgusting. How many times do I have to tell you not to do it? Anyways, I also want to thank my wives. Wife number 1. [cut to woman covered in black cloth from head to toe] Wife 2. [cut to woman covered in black cloth from head to toe] Wife 3. [cut to woman covered in black cloth from head to toe] Wife 4. [cut to woman covered in black cloth from head to toe. She is bouncing up and down as though she is laughing.]. Hey, what's going on? Wife 4...what...what are you doing? [Wives jump up and take off coverings to reveal George W. and 3 agents.] President George W. Bush: Ha ha, gotcha Osama! Osama bin Laden: What? What is going on here? President George W. Bush: Ha ha, there is no such thing as the Nazi Golden Globes. This was all just a setup designed to capture you. Osama bin Laden: What? I can't believe it...Kathie Lee, you b****!!! President George W. Bush: I'm a hero, you're a zero my friend! Ha ha. I told General Powell this would work! He didn't believe me. I showed him didn't I, guys? [looks at agents, they nod in agreement. President grabs some pretzels from the middle of the table. ] Looks like it's... [begins choking. Agents try and help.] Osama bin Laden: Let's get the hell out of here Omar. [Osama begins pushing squeaky cart. Omar sits on top of it] Dammit guy. [George W. collapses on table while agents gather round. Kathie Lee jumps on Osama's back as he tries to make his getaway.] Osama bin Laden: Get off my back, you, b****! Kathie Lee Gifford: Frank? [fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
