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Ivan Wackinof.....Jimmy Fallon Receptionist.....Rachel Dratch Priest.....Darrell Hammond Bridget.....Ana Gasteyer .....a couple of little kids [ Original Prank Stars logo appears; The Offspring’s "Original Prankster" plays in background ] Ivan Wackinof: Alright, alright, calm down, kids, and welcome back to Original Prank Stars, you bunch of rednecks! Normally, this is the show where we dick with people over the phone. But this time, I’ve taken the antics to another dimension of dickery. I decided to play a little prank on my in-laws, who piss me off to the tenth power. Take a look at this clip! [ video clip showing a car pulling up to the Heavenly Father Crematory ] Ivan Wackinof: (as he walks up to the front of the crematory) For this prank, I’ll need some ashes. I don’t care who. [ inside the crematory, an old receptionist is seated at a desk next to some old urns ] Ivan Wackinof: Hi, I’m here to pick up the remains of my dear uncle Freddy. Receptionist: What is your name, sir? Ivan Wackinof: Um... (looks around at urns, notices one with the last name "Plueginabol" engraved on it) Plueginabol... Mike S. Plueginabol. [ chuckles ] Huh huh, my name’s Splooge-In-a-Bowl, that’s awesome! [ more snickers ] Anyway, yeah, my father, Frederick S. Plueginabol, is in that urn right there. Receptionist: I’m sorry sir, you must be mistaken. The only Plueginabol we have is a Miss Andreas Plueginabol. She died seventy years ago, and that urn is an antique. [ looks suspiciously at Ivan ] Nice try, you sicko. Ivan Wackinof: Damn you, woman! One of these days your remains’ll be in an urn somewhere, and I’ll smash it and take a crap on your ashes! [ leaves ] [ SUPER: "Ten Minutes Later" ] [ Ivan comes into the crematory wearing a cowboy hat and boots with spurs ] Ivan Wackinof: (in a Southern accent) Pardon there, ma’am, I was wund’rin if I could talk with yer resident minister. Y’see, I’ve got a family emergency and I gotta talk to him. I reckon it’s plenty importn’t. Receptionist: Alright, sir. [ leaves ] Ivan Wackinof: (to camera) Now I’m almost in business... [ Priest walks up to Ivan ] Priest: Hello, there, young man, I’m Father Seamus O’Hanlon. Ivan: And my name is Ivan Wackinof. Priest: Ivan Wackinof? Surely you haven’t... Ivan: Noo, no, father, not that. That’s my name, it’s Russian. Priest: Ah, it all makes sense now. So... Rhonda tells me you’ve been having trouble within your family. Ivan Wackinof: (without accent) Yea, actually, I do. I’ve got a couple questions. You see, my sister Heidi has been diagnosed with a rare disorder and the only way to cure it is to sprinkle ashes of the deceased. So I thought this would be the right place to come for help. Priest: That’s odd, I’ve never heard of such a disease. Ivan Wackinof: Hey, pal, you’re a priest, not a scientist, right? That’s the cure I need, some ashes! Priest: Alright, sir. [ picks up a tiny jar ] This has the remains of a small poodle named Fluffy, who got run over on the corner of Figueroa and Rosecrans last week. You can have it, I pray it will help. Ivan Wackinof: Thanks a lot! Oh yeah, Father, I had one more question. Priest: What is it, my friend? Ivan Wackinof: I know you’ve probably been a priest for like a billion years and stuff, I’m just wondering... have you damned anyone before? Priest: I beg your pardon? Ivan Wackinof: Did I stutter? I said, have you damned anyone before? You know, commanded that their eternal souls be ripped, tortured, and cast down into the pits of Hades? Priest: My Lord! Why do you ask such things? Ivan Wackinof: Because that bitch receptionist you have needs a really good damning to hell. See ya! [ leaves the building immediately ] Priest: May God have mercy on his soul, he’ll need all the mercy he can get after I’m through with him. [ show video clips of a car speeding away, then the car arriving at a house ] [ the front door is open, Ivan knocks on the screen door and nobody answers; he then enters the house ] Ivan Wackinof: We’re in! [ Ivan walks to the kitchen and opens the cupboard. He pulls out a container of Nestle Quik Mix, opens it up, and proceeds to pour Fluffy’s cremated ashes into the container of Quik Mix. Ivan takes a spoon and mixes it up pretty good, then pours some of the mixture into a glass of milk. He then puts away the Quik Mix ] [ the doorbell rings once; then Ivan’s sister-in-law Bridget enters the house and sees Ivan ] Bridget: Ivan? What are you doing in my house? Ivan Wackinof: Oh, it’s horrible, Bridget. My landlord kicked me out again because I boned his daughter. So I came over here since I had nowhere else to go. Bridget: That’s horrible, Ivan! How old was she? Ivan Wackinof: 18. Bridget: For shame! Ivan Wackinof: Hey, it’s legal! [ sticks his tongue out mischeviously ] Bridget: You are so sick! I wonder why Jennifer married you in the first place. Ivan Wackinof: 'Cause I’m a famous person who’s on TV a lot... hey, do ya want some chocolate milk? I’m so sick of what happened with the landlord that I couldn’t finish it. Bridget: No, thank you, I just got home from lunch... Ivan Wackinof: No, really, Bridget, it’ll help me. Bridget: Oh, all right. [ drinks the chocolate-dog remains milk and immediately spits it all out of her mouth ] Eeew! This tastes nasty! What the hell did you put in this? Ivan Wackinof: Not much, really. Just some Quik Mix and some cremated ashes of a roadkill dog! Bridget: WHAT?! ... ... Oh my God, I’m gonna be sick. [ vomits underneath table ] Ivan Wackinof: I’d better get out of here before she goes psycho like she normally does. [ leaves house ] [ cut back to Prank Stars studio ] Ivan Wackinof: And so, that’s my little romp through town. Tune in next week, when my guests will be Howard Stern and a girl in a wheelchair with big ta-tas. See you later, scumbagz! [ closing music ] Rate or review this sketch. |
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