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Security Guard #1.....Darrell Hammond Security Guard #2.....Will Ferrell Bono.....Jimmy Fallon Mayor Marc Morial.....Dean Edwards Kyle Turley.....Jeff Richards .....Britney Spears City Employee.....Tracy Morgan [ open on exterior pan of New Orleans, Louisiana, as the Superdome falls into view on the right ] [ dissolve to exterior, entrance to the Superdome, where a pair of Security Guards stand at attention, SWAT team members lined up around the promenade ] Security Guard #1: The Rams versus The Patriots. It's gonna be quite a game. Security Guard #2: Sure is. But we can't let the excitement of the big game distract us from our task at hand - to fight bioterrorism in the Superdome. Security Guard #1: That's right. We've been specially-trained to safeguard the city against any and all suspicious-looking suspects. Terrorists could attempt to attack us at any given minute. [ suddenly, Bono tries to enter the Superdome ] Security Guard #2: Hold it right there! State your business! Bono: [ confused ] Say what? What is this, a bloody shakedown? Security Guard #1: No one gets inside the stadium until we give them the green light. Can we see some ID? Bono: What's this all about? Are you kidding, man? I'm Bono! I'm with the band, we're performing at half-time. Security Guard #2: You're with the band? Right. How come I don't see any instruments? I don't know, maybe I stared directly at the sun for one too many eclipses, but I don't see you carrying any musical instruments. Bono: I'm the lead singer! The rest of my band's inside! Security Guard #1: What's the name of your band, young man? Bono: U2! Security Guard #1: Like a U-2 bomber? You think we were born yesterday? Get out of town, potato-face! We're here to safeguard the city against acts of terrorism, so we don't want any trouble from guys like you, and Anthrax, or Sugarbomb.. Security Guard #2: ..or Barbra Streisand. Security Guard #1: Yeah. If you don't have proper clearance, we're not letting you into the stadium. Simple as that. I'm sorry. Bono: But I have proper clearance! Security Guard #1: No, you have a problem, because I'm not letting you in. Go back to Ireland and quit interfering with our spirit of patriotism. Bono: You guys suck! [ turns and walks away ] Security Guard #1: We're not here to win a popularity contest. We're protecting America from acts of terrorism. Security Guard #2: I guess his ego's more important than public safety. Security Guard #1: I guess! [ New Orleans Mayor March Moriel walks up ] Security Guard #2: Stop! Who are you? Mayor Marc Moriel: I am the Mayor of New Orleans. Security Guard #2: What brings you here? Mayor Marc Moriel: The Superbowl! Security Guard #1: Where's your authorization pass? Mayor Marc Moriel: I don't need an authorization pass! I am the Mayor of New Orleans! Security Guard #2: You have a funny way of wanting things you can't have - Superbowl seats, a third term in office. The people have spoken - get lost! Mayor Marc Moriel: You two don't know what you are flirting with, you know that! I am the Mayor of New Orleans! I own the police! Security Guard #1: [ snickering ] Ooh, I'm scared - looks like we're in Dutch! [ the Security Guards laugh ] Mayor Marc Moriel: Oh, you guys think you're funny, do you? Security Guard #1: You bet we do, Junior. Security Guard #2: Hey! Hey! If you're looking for work after you get out of office, why don't you take a job as Meshach Taylor's body double! [ the Security Guards laugh ] Mayor Marc Moriel: You're City workers today, but you're history tomorrow. [ turns and walks away ] Security Guard #1: Get a load of this guy. He thinks we're bound by time clocks in the fight against bio-terrorism. Security Guard #2: That's right, this is a 24/7 job. Not like being the Mayor of New Orleans! [ City employee runs up ] City Employee: Yo, sport, can I go inside for just a second? Security Guard #1: For just a second? To do what? Plant a shoe bomb in the concessions area and program it to explode in the first quarter? City Employee: No, I just want to use the bathroom. Security Guard #1: What's so speical about these bathrooms? City Employee: Well, they're clean, I guess. You see, I'm working with the City. Me and the boys in my crew are doing some road construction out there on St. Charles Avenue. And I ain't about to share one of them Go-Cans in the middle of the street with them out-of-town tourists down here for the Mardi Gras! Them things don't even flush, man! Security Guard #1: We can't let you inside, but you can use those shrubs over there. City Employee: Oh, okay. I ain't even think of that. Thanks, man! [ runs off ] Security Guard #2: [ sighs ] Street people. [ Saints team member Kyle Turley walks up ] Security Guard #2: Can I help you? Kyle Turley: I'm Kyle Turley of the New Orleans Saints. I've got my pass, right here. [ holds up ticket ] Security Guard #1: Perhaps you're not aware of the reason we're here, Mr. Turley, so I'll clue you in. There's a global threat of bioterrorism, which, today, is targeted right where we're standing, inside this oversized dome. Kyle Turley: You can search me, if you want. I'm not carrying any biohazardous materials. Security Guard #1: No. Maybe you're not. But you're a gorilla. Or have you forgotten that incident in which you threw your opponent's football helmet across the field? We're here to prevent violent outbursts of that nature, so turn around and go home, before we throw you across the parking lot! Kyle Turley: That's it! I'm telling Tom Benson to move us to another city! We're tired of working in this outdated stadium and not getting the respect we deserve! [ turns and walks away ] Security Guard #1: Yeah? Go ahead. I'm sure Tupelo will welcome you bozos with open arms! Security Guard #2: We don't need you or your fans who throw the beer bottles onto the field! You're a disgrace! A disgrace! Security Guard #1: [ shakes head ] I don't know why everyone can't just respect one another's environment. Is it asking too much? Is it? Security Guard #2: It's not asking too much at all. [ Britney Spears breezes past ] Security Guard #2: Hold it right there. Britney Spears: What, is something wrong? Security Guard #2: Not yet. Maybe if you arch your back a little. Britney Spears: Oh, please. Security Guard #2: No, just a little. Bend it back, all the way back. Security Guard #1: I think she may be carrying some weapons. Why don't we search her? Britney Spears: Hey, slow down, guys. Don't you know who I am? Security Guard #2: Of course, we do - you're the karaoke queen of Bourbon Street! [ the Security Guards laugh ] Britney Spears: I'm Britney Spears, dumbasses. Security Guard #1: That's right, she doesn't karaoke - she lip-syncs! Security Guard #2: Hey, she's supposed to be the "Pride of Louisiana", can you believe that? Garrett Morris sings better than she does! Britney Spears: Who? [ Security Guards eye her suspiciously ] Security Guard #1: Hey, I hear your song about the slaves is a big hit down in the projects. Britney Spears: That's not what that song is about! Security Guard #2: [ patting Britney down, as she struggles ] Hey, I bet you've got more fake body parts than Haley Joel Osment in "AI". Britney Spears: [ prissy, slaps at him ] I do not! Security Guard #1: That's right. Hey, if you'd like to fit into a D-cup, all I need is an old-fashioned bicycle pump! Britney Spears: Screw you. [ turns and walks away ] Security Guard #2: Well, that's one less victory for the terrorists. Security Guard #1: Yeah, I suppose. [ looks at watch ] Hey, it looks like it's about time for the kick-off. Security Guard #2: Yeah. I think we turned away everyone that's going to show up today. You want to go inside and watch the big game? Security Guard #1: Sure. Having the stadium all to ourselves is even better than watching it at home on the bigscreen TV. Security Guard #2: You get the nachos, I'll get the beer. Security Guard #1: Alright, but don't forget to test the PH balance for yeast contamination. Security Guard #2: Yeah, and make sure the only spores in the cheese dip are from the mushrooms. Security Guard #1: See you inside. [ zoom out to fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
