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.....Britney Spears J.P. Ragan.....Rachel Dratch Patrick Lonergan.....Jimmy Fallon Male Reporter #1.....Seth Meyers Male Reporter #2.....Dean Richards Male Reporter #3.....Tracy Morgan Female Reporter #1.....Amy Poehler [Scene: Press conference setup. Britney walks out and sits down.] Britney Spears: Alright everyone, first I just want to thank you all for being here. [cut to reporters] Male Reporters: [in unison] No, Thank you Britney. [female reporters cringe and roll their eyes. Cut back to Britney...QUICK] Britney Spears: Well the reason I called this press conference is that I want to address some issues...personal issues actually. It's been reported in the Enquirer that I'm no longer a virgin. [cut to reporters. Continue with similar scene cuts throughout.] Male Reporters: What? [look at each other all confused and puzzled. Women reporters shake their heads.] Male Reporter #1: Michael Zalapski for Penthouse here. Please tell me it isn't true. Tell me you're still the fragile innocent flower we know and love...please! [other reporter consoles him.] Britney Spears: Thank you but...but...I hope I'm not letting anyone down here...but I'm not a virgin anymore. Male Reporters: NO! [Male reporters are distraught.] Female Reporter #1: Cynthia McNab, Cinncinatti Times. [scowling] Why come out and tell everyone this? Are you just looking for more attention...as if you don't have enough already. Britney Spears: Well, first of all let me just say I love your skirt. Female Reporter #1: [gushes] Aww gee thanks. I...I got it on sale...as soon as I saw it I just had to have it. Britney Spears: Yes, which brings us back to me losing my virginity. The reason I held a press conference to tell you about it, is that I don't want to be like that Brooke Shields slut. I mean she was banging Superman for years and still pretending to be a virgin. I'm not like that. I'm real and I want to be true to my fans. [Male Reporters wipe tears from their eyes.] Male Reporter #2: Ernest Carter, Seattle Daily News. I just wanted to know if you and Justin plan to get married? Britney Spears: Well, maybe someday. I mean he's a great guy and he cooks for me and does my laundry and whatever else I tell him...I mean ask him to do. I hope so, but we'll see. Male Reporter #2: Okay, but I'll bet he's glad about the...you know... Britney Spears: What? Male Reporter #2: You know...the...the sex...with you....you know....the no more virgin thing. Britney Spears: Oh my no. I've never had sex with Justin. I mean, if we do get married, we want our wedding night to be special. Male Reporter #3: James Bondra here, New York Times. If you didn't lose your virginity to Justin, then just who did you lose it to? Britney Spears: Well, I won't get into details but I will say that they don't call the New York Fire Department, New York City's finest for nothing. Mmmm, c'mon baby light my fire. Male Reporter #3: Wait a second...you're saying...you've slept with members of the NYFD? Britney Spears: Well, I was only in New York for a week but I did who I could. I wanted to give them a little something for all they've done for New York and America in general. It was my way of giving back. I mean they put their lives on the line everyday...the least I could do was whore it up with them for awhile. Male Reporters: Awwwww. Female Reporter #1: So, aside from as many firefighters you could fit in in a week, was there anyone else? Britney Spears: [Thinking] I don't think so...well of course when I was in Carolina I stopped by to cheer up the Panthers. I mean, imagine losing 15 games in a row and getting a two time superbowl winning coach fired. I just felt I had to open my heart to them. Female Reporter #1: So what you're saying is... Britney Spears: Well the best way I could think of opening my heart to them was by opening my le... Female Reporter #1: [interupting] That's quite alright I think we all get the picture. [aside] Slut. [sits down, male reporters scowl at Female Reporter #1.] Britney Spears: I mean, was I wrong to do that? Male Reporters: No no. [shake their heads and have an understanding look on their faces.] Male Reporter #2: So is that all then? Britney Spears: Well, one day the rest of the N'sync gang were around, and one thing led to another... Male Reporter #2: So you've slept with all other memebers of N'sync besides Justin? Britney Spears: Yeah, I guess so. Male Reporter #2: Even Joey Fatone? Britney Spears: Oh no, not Joey. I forgot he was a member. [Male reporter #2 smiles as though relieved and sits down.] [J.P. Ragan stands. Rachel is dressed similar to her "Wake Up Wakefield" character.] J.P. Ragan: J.P. Ragan here, L.A. times...ouch my knee. Britney Spears: Oh dear, what's wrong? J.P. Ragan: Well, you see I was helping an old lady across the street and well, it was a pretty busy street so I thought it would be safer if I carried her and then I popped out my knee. Britney Spears: Oh dear, that's awful. J.P. Ragan: Well the worst part is that I was late for work and so my boss gave me two weeks notice. This is my last assignment. Britney Spears: Awww that's awful, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. J.P. Ragan: Well usually I would go to dinner with my girlfriend and that would cheer me up, but unfortunately she dumped me last week. Say maybe...no forget it, it's silly... Britney Spears: No what, if there's something I can do please tell me. J.P. Ragan: Well, if you're free tonight, I was just thinking maybe we could maybe go out to dinner or something. No never mind, it's crazy. A girl like you wouldn't want to go out with a hero/loser like myself... Britney Spears: You're right that is insane. Next question, please. J.P. Ragan: Wait a minute...cut. Britney, what are you doing? That's not how the script goes... Britney Spears: I'm sorry, it's just this thing is so unbelieveable...who would believe that I'd go out with you let alone have sex with you afterwards. I mean c'mon. And like anyone thinks I'm still a virgin...I mean you being a virgin I could believe... are you? J.P. Ragan: What? What are you talking about? Britney Spears: Oh my gosh...you are. Hey everybody, he's a virgin! J.P. Ragan: No, I'm not...where is this coming from? Britney Spears: When I saw you, I was like "Man, who'd ever want to sleep with him.". I guess the answer is 'NOBODY!'. J.P. Ragan: How can you be so cruel... Reporters: VIRGIN, VIRGIN, VIRGIN! J.P. Ragan: Shut up!! I'm done it tons of times!!! SHUTTUP ALL OF YOU!!! [Runs off] [Enter Patrick Lonergan with a brandy snifter.] Patrick Lonergan: Well done, my pet. Well done. Britney Spears: Don't you think that was kind of mean, rewriting the ending like that, Patrick? Patrick Lonergan: Listen, my sweet. Sometimes you have to knock these writers down a few pegs. It keeps them in line. I remember not so long ago I told Paul Buxton to cast Horatio Sanz as Mario Lanza. Ha ha, poor Mario has never gotten over that one. Ahhhhh.... [takes a drink] Britney Spears: You're bad... Patrick Lonergan: Hell, I'm super bad...just the way you like it, now shuttup and kiss me. [they kiss] [Ironically I stole the idea for the ending from Patrick's The SNL's Writers Meeting II which is one of my favorite skits on the site. His ending was better but hey, I think we're all glad this skit finally ended.] [fade out to The Fabulous Thunderbirds "Wrap it up, I'll take it"] Rate or review this sketch. |
