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| Trigger... Will Ferrell Princess... Jimmy Fallon Snowflake... Maya Rudolph Midnight... Tracy Morgan Bench... Horatio Sanz [Scene opens with a shot of a merry-go-round. Wooden horses and otheranimals spin round and round as music plays. We go in close and see a shot of four of the horses. They go up and down on poles during the length of the sketch.] Trigger: Morning, Princess. Princess: [standing next to him] Morning, Trigger. How ya doing today? Trigger: Not bad. Not bad a t'all. And yourself? Princess: You know, things could be worse. Except I got some paintchipping off my left side. Some kid kicked the crap out of me last week, I think he was wearing spurs. Trigger: That little turd. God, I hate kids. Princess: At least he wasn't fat. Fat kids are the worst. [The two of them laugh] Trigger: [looking at a female horse in front of them] Hey, have you checked out Snowflake lately? That is some fine wooden horse ass. Princess: Dude! That's all I stare at! I've been watching that ass go up and down every day for the last seventy years. I know every inch and curve on that posterior. Snowflake: [staring straight ahead. None of them can turn their heads] Hey, are you two back there talking about my butt again? Princess: [flirting] Hey Snowflake, you look fine, baby. You want to get with me sometime? We would have a lot of fun. Snowflake: Sorry, Princess. I only go out with horses with male names. [Trigger starts laughing] Trigger: Oh, man. She just burned you. Shot down! Princess: Hey, I told you, it's not my fault I got stuck with this name. Some idiot looked at me in 1930 and thought I was a girl horse! Dude, all you have to do is look at my underside to see that I'm all stallion. Trigger: Even though he's got nothing but smooth plastic down there, you can just tell he's a male horse. Take it from me, Snowflake. Snowflake: Sorry, guys. Tinkerbell's just not my type. Trigger: Ha! Tinkerbell! Snowflake's on a roll today! Princess: [hurt] Well, forget you then. I think Whisper is way hotter than you anyway. Snowflake: [snotty] Whisper's such a slut. I always see her let her saddle slip down so that the lions can see up it. That tramp. You guys would go for that type. Trigger: [under his breath] Meow! Snowflake: By the way, I hear she's actually a mule, not a horse. She doesn't belong here. She's poor mule trash. Princess: Alright, a horse fight! I'd pay to see you two claw it out! [The black horse next to Snowflake starts to talk. He is shiny and much newer than the others.] Midnight: Hey, guys, I think I figured out a plan to get us out of here. Trigger: Oh, wow. The new horse talks! Hey new guy, how come you never say anything? Midnight: Cause I been watching, dog. I been watching to see how this place runs. How close they pay attention to us. [lowering his voice] You guys ready to make a break for it? [Before anyone can answer, a group of kids boards the Merry-Go-Round. All of them are small except for a big fat kid who sits on Trigger's back.] Trigger: [in pain] FAT KID! FAT KID! GUYS, HELP! FAT KID! Princess: [worried] Hang on, Trigger. Stay strong. It's just a short ride! Trigger: Guys, my spine! Help, THE FAT KID IS CRUSHING MY SPINE! Midnight: What's wrong with him? Princess: He's seventy years old! He has a spinal condition! The doctor said that one of these days, a fat enough kid could snap him like a twig. Trigger: [screaming] Aggggghh... GET HIM OFF ME!! Snowflake: That's what happened to poor Chestnut. He's the horse that you replaced. A fat kid sat on him one day and he snapped in two. He fell to the floor. And then he was... he was... [she starts to sob] Princess: ...He was sucked under. Fell under the Merry-Go-Round and was pulverized. It was terrible. [They all share a moment of silence for poor Chestnut.] Midnight: Aww, man. That's messed up. [The Merry-Go-Round stops and the kids get off.] Trigger: [out of breath] I don't know if I can take another one of those. I felt every Twinkie that kid ever ate, every corn dog he stuffed into his fat face. Why, God, why did you create fat kids? [The bench behind Trigger and Princess starts talking] Bench: Aww, you guys are a bunch of pusses. You guys get to go up and down, get a little exercise. I'm welded to the floor here. I don't get to move a damn inch. And at least you get little kids riding on you. I get stuck with the adults. [grimace] And the babies. Do you know how much soda and urine ends up on me? I'm sticky. Sticky! You hear me? Princess: Oh no, it's Bench. I hate that guy. Bench: Boo hoo, the fancy ornate horses and their sad little problems. Cry me a river. At least you guys get names. Nobody ever names a bench. Trigger: Shut up, Bench. You're not a horse, you don't get to talk to us. Stick to your own kind! Bench: Oh ho! The Daffodil Queen telling me to shut up! It's bad enough that I get stuck staring at your girlie ass every day of my life. He says he's a male, but from back here, it's not so easy to tell... Princess: Bench, I'm warning you. Lay off! And for the last time, I'm a MALE horse! I'm not a girl! Midnight: Okay, guys. Forget the bench. I got a plan to get us out of here. We got to get off of this merry-go-round, and go live like real horses. Snowflake: What's your plan? Midnight: Okay, tonight. When there's nobody around. I'm gonna leap off the merry-go-round and land on the floor. When the attendant comes over to fix me, Trigger, you and Princess leap on him. You guys subdue him and Snowflake, you tie the attendant to the bench over there. Snowflake: Cool! Bench: [panicked] Don't tie him to me! Don't get me involved in this! Tie him to the camel! Midnight: After he's tied up, I'm gonna go get us some guns. We'll need guns when the cops come after us. Trigger, you'll need to steal us a car. Now they're gonna try to take us down, but we got to head for the border. In Mexico, a wooden horse can lead a pretty good life. We get to Mexico and we're all set. Princess: Wow, sounds exciting. We'll be fugitives! Midnight: Now we may have to kill some people along the way. Are you guys ready to shed some blood for the freedom of horses everywhere? Trigger: Hold on, new guy. That's all well and good, but aren't youforgetting one thing? Midnight: [thinking] Yeah, you're right. We'll need to rob a bank too, get some cash for the trip. You guys know how to crack a safe? Trigger: No, I mean are you forgetting these GIANT METAL POLES IMPALEDTHROUGH OUR BACKS? How are you planning to get off your pole? Midnight: Ah... damn. [He starts to wiggle and shake, but remains in one place] Ok, forget the plan. Let's just stay here for now. Sorry, guys. Princess: Oh well. Welcome to the merry-go-round, new guy. It's not so bad here. Just watch out for the fat kids. And stay away from Bench, he's a dick. But keep an eye out for Whisper. She's hot, and she's only 18. Snowflake: But she's a slut. [Trigger and Princess start chuckling] Trigger: [under his breath] Meow! [More kids get on the Merry-Go-Round. None of them are fat this time. It starts to turn again.] [camera pulls back, away from Merry-Go-Round] Bench: [voiceover as scene fades out] This baby has a leaky diaper! What's this goop leaking down my side?? Somebody get it off me! HELP!!! [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
