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| Osama bin Laden.....Will Ferrell Henchman.....Horatio Sanz Public Relations Guy.....Johnny Moseley [ open on smoke and ashes rising from Afghani cave ] [ suddenly, Osama bin Laden and one of his Henchmen come running out of the cave ] Osama bin Laden: Holy smokes! Why won't the American military just leave me alone! Henchman: Hiding is doing you no good, Osama! It's time for a new plan! Osama bin Laden: I'm all ears! What have you got? Henchman: Well, I took the liberty of hiring a public relations guy. You know, to help you with your image. Osama bin Laden: That is fine by me, just get these people off my case! Henchman: I took the liberty of hiring a public relations guy for you. [ flinches ] Please don't kill me! Osama bin Laden: I'm not going to kill you! Please. At least go climb the highest tower, give me more of a challenge. You're too fat to miss, where's the excitement in that? Henchman: Look, do you want help or not? I told you, I'm big-boned. I come from a fat family, it's all genes! Osama bin Laden: I don't think you could fit into a pair of jeans, my fat friend. Henchman: [ blushing ] Oh, Osama! I bring the man out. [ looks off screen ] Mr. Smith, Osama will see you now. [ Public Relations guy Mr. Smith enters ] Public Relations Guy: Good afternoon, Mr. bin Laden. Can I call you Osama, or do you prefer Master of All That is Evil..? Osama bin Laden: Osama is fine. Public Relations Guy: Alright, Osama, First of all, as you've no doubt noticed, I am an American. But fear not, brother, I come in peace. [ raises arms ] You may search me in any way you like. I am unarmed, perfectly defenseless should you choose to administer torture or death upon me. Osama bin Laden: No, no, no.. it's cool. Right now, I am in dire need of your help. Public Relations Guy: Super. Super. Then, let's get started. I understand you're having something of an image problem? Osama bin Laden: Yes. The American people hate me! This is all politics, it's nothing personal! Why can't they just get off their high horses and accept that this is who I am! Public Relations Guy: Well, Osama, you really kind of brought this on yourself. I mean, you ordered the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians. That's no way to get people to like you. Osama bin Laden: But it is all I know. Public Relations Guy: See, here's the thing. If you're going to kill people, you have to target people that Americans would like to see dead. You know.. your Tom Green, or your Pauly Shore. Kill people like that, and you'd be a hero in the eyes of Americans everywhere. Osama bin Laden: Hold on. So you are saying that targeted killings are ultimately more rewarding than senseless mass murder? Public Relations Guy: Oh, yeah. Every time. If you knock off a Britney Spears, or a pair of Olsen Twins, you'd be a national hero in America, and you'd make a lot of friends for your trouble. Osama bin Laden: I can do this! Public Relations Guy: I know you can, you're a crazed lunatic living in the godforsaken desert. Just remember: the secret lies in killing the guilty, not the innocent. Kathie Lee Gifford, yes; Kathie Ireland, no.. God no. Osama bin Laden: Can you get me a date with Kathy Ireland? Public Relations Guy: Let's work on your people skills first. We'll advance to meeting women in our next session. Osama bin Laden: This all sounds fantastic! With your help, I can be more popular than W! Public Relations Guy: Don't get too ahead of yourself, Osama. I'm not a miracle worker, I just change lives. Another thing I'd like to discuss with you about before I go, is this scraggly beard of yours. Osama bin Laden: What, you don't like it? It was inspired by the band ZZ Top! Public Relations Guy: ZZ Top? That band hasn't been hip for twenty years. You look like a homeless person, which I guess you are if you're living in a cave. Osama bin Laden: No, I bought this land. I prefer to live by simple means, like a hippie. Public Relations Guy: That may be, but if you want to make a fashion statement using facial hair, you'll need to grow some sort of goatee like the Backstreet Boys. Osama bin Laden: But I thought they were gay? Public Relations Guy: Well, they are. But women love them anyway. [ shrugs ] Who knew? Osama bin Laden: Okay, so grow a goatee, and targeted killings only. Public Relations Guy: That's right. Why don't you give yourself a quick quiz. Osama bin Laden: Okay. Let's see.. the kid from the Dell commercials.. yes? Public Relations Guy: That's right. Osama bin Laden: ..but crack babies.. no? Public Relations Guy: Very good! If you understand the basics of my plan, I think you're well on the road to a higher approval rating in America. Osama bin Laden: And Bush will end his war on terror? Public Relations Guy: If you do everything I say, I guarantee Bush will invite you to Camp David for a weekend fishing trip. [ pause ] Uh.. you guys do eat fish, right? Osama bin Laden: Only on Fridays during Lent. [ Public Relations Guy raises eyebrow ] I'm kidding! [ laughs ] We'll kill any living thing that has a heartbeat. Except for thousands of innocent civilians, of course. Public Relations Guy: [ smiling ] You're beautiful, baby! [ cut to newspaper front page spinning into view ] [ Headline reads: "Al-quaida Network Kills Tom Green, Pauly Shore; Grateful America Replaces Statue of Liberty With Likeness of Bin Laden" ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
