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| Blade.....Jeff Richards Freeze.....Jimmy Fallon Flame.....Seth Meyers Blade's Father.....Will Ferrell Blade's Mother.....Ana Gasteyer Christopher.....Chris Kattan [ SUPER: WVDO-TV 64 Public Access ] Announcer: [ southern accent ] Y'all are watching WVAL 64 Valdosta, the Southern Georgia public access channel. The opinions expressed do not reflect the views of this station or its employees... especially in this case. [ SUPER: “Icy Hot Stuntaz” ] [ bad rap music plays; open in a basement a la Wayne's World. Three white high school sophomores walk gangsta-like onto camera ] Blade: [ wearing a bandana and a bunch of fake white jewelry; pimples on his face ] Awwww snizzap, we iz da Icy Hot Stuntaz, and we is takin ova da 2002! Freeze: [ dressed just like blade ] Straight ballin'! Blade: This be our shizzow, suckaz. We tha hardest ballin' rapper thugz in da dirty south, be livin' it up in my crib! Peepz call me Blade cuz I'm mad dangerous. I done some hard time in da state pen, fo' armed robbery! Flame: [ shirtless, with temporary tattoo reading 'Flame' on left arm, with fake jewelry and watch ] Fo shiggidy my niggedy, dawgz. He busted out hiz mad paintball gun in the cafeteria line at school and capped dat lunchlady'z bitch azz! All: Awww, yeaaa! [ high fives, weird gangsta handshakes all around ] Freeze: He hit up See'z candeez an' made off wit' a phat blocka stash! Flame: Then he hit up a Longs Drugz to score some crizzeam for his illin' pimplz! Flame and Freeze: Aww yeaa! [ high fives again ] Blade: Man, why y'all playaz be hatin' on my fizzace? Y'all suckaz know they be mosquito bitez... Flame: We just playin. Yo, Freeze, give yo fanz da info, aiightz? Freeze: I'm Freeze, cuz I cold as ice, sucka! Blade: Fa' sho! He locked up a band of haterz in a meat locka. Suckaz! All: Awww, yeaaa! [ high fives again ] Blade: Ain't nobody mess wit' Freeze, or he be freezin' yo ass! Flame: Yo G'z, y'all don't forget there be one mo' playa up in hea! Blade: Damn strizzaight! Flame: I'm Flame, cuz I be leavin' mad burn markz in da strizzets wit' my phat Firebird. When Flame be rollin' on da phat 46-inch BBS dubz, suckaz be like, “oh, daaaamn!” He got dat NOZ shizzzo up in that heezee. It be da phat thuggin' balla! Dat scrizznap smizzoke all da hataz in da Camaros, Muzztangz, 1988 Toyota Corollaz, an' otha small 4-cylindaz. Blade: Flame be crazy dangerous behind da wheel. He done some mad time in the joint. Flame: Aww yeaah, homez, I got arrested fo' speedin' in da school zone like a mofo. My azz still be hurtin' from doin' my time up in da state pizzen. Blade: So suckaz, y'all knowz about us hardcore rapperz. We be thugz to tha bizzone! Freeze: We be makin' da ladiez so wet, they be sendin' us their panteez in da mail. [ holds up a drawer full of panties of different colors ] Bling blaaaang! [ the three exchange high fivez ] Blade: Yo yo my peepz. We all gonna flow some mad hizzle up in this piece. We gonna set you fooz skrait wit' some of da mad bizzeats dat we be spittin at all our cracka fanz dat be watchin us flowin' like real ballaz do. Kick da beat, yo... [ simple rap beat starts ] Flame: Yo, Icy Hot Stuntaz in da hizzouse! We be gettin' crunk, yo! Blade: We be gettin' crazy wazted on O'Doulz! Freeze: We be breakin' da rulz! Flame: I got da mad ice, and da three-digit billz, Blade: Rollin' on da chrome dubz, all night long... All: We icy hot... what what... whaaaaat... [ the rappers put their hands in the air and start waving them ] [ just then, the music stops abruptly and Blade's father comes into the basement and looks at what's going on ] Father: Good lord! What's going on in here? What's all the noise? Blade: Yo, that be my old man, he a mad hata. Father: [ to Blade ] Douglas, what are you, Lance, and Bruce doing in here? Blade: [ trying not to speak like a rapper ] Um... well yo see, I be just sitting down here with my, uh, friends here, and we're just, um, listening to some music. Father: OK, what a relief, son. You see, I just went out to get something from my car, and somebody had painted my wheels silver. And when I looked inside, there were big cardboard boxes in there with the words “fat woofaz” written on them. I thought your virgin ears may have been listening to that evil rap music. Blade: Naaa, dawg—I mean, dad... we're just chilling up in here. Just talking about stuff, you know. Father: Well, that's sure a relief. [ suddenly, Blade's mom enters the room ] Mother: Honey? I can't believe this. Father: What happened? Mother: Someone actually went through my drawer and stole all my underwear. Everything's gone! Father: [ sees the panty drawer on the table ] What the hell?! You stole the panties, Douglas? Blade: [ slips up, goes back into rap mode ] Yo, don't be hatin, sucka! Father: What?! You listen to me, Douglas Creighton! Something's going on here. You guys are dressed like gangsters, Lance over there has no T-Shirt on [ points to Flame ], and you've got a whole drawer full of your mother's panties sitting right in the middle of all this? You'd better come clean and tell me what's going on! Blade: Nothing really... We're just sitting down here shooting a TV show. I swear, it's not about rap music. Father: At 1:00 in the morning? What channel is this? Blade: Channel 64. Father: My God, that's the porno channel, isn't it, honey? It's the Spice network or something, it must be! Mother: My little boy! Sweet heavens, no! Blade: Yo, mom and dad, Channel sixty-fo' be the public access network. Father: What is with your rap accent, young man? I've told you a million times to stop listenin' to that rap music! Blade: Naaw, popz, we be shootin' a TV shizzo! I swear straight up it be da public access channel. Father: My ass that's the public access network! Look at the cameraman! He looks like a porno director! [ the cameraman, Christopher, appears on stage ] Christopher: [ speaking with a strong lisp ] Helloooo, Mister and Mrs. Blade... Father: Blade? Blade: Yo, dat be my name on da strizzeets. Christopher: That's also my pet name for him in bed. Isn't that right, Bladey... [ suddenly, the Icy Hot Stuntaz start talking with lisps, reverting back to their normal, secret lifestyles ] Blade: Shut up, Christopher, you silly goose... Flame: Oh my God, Blade, he's my boyfriend, don't you steal him away from me. Father: Alright, that's it! Get out of my house, all of you! Mother: [ to Father] Now Cletus, don't be so harsh... Father: Quiet, Priscilla, this is my business, now get your ass back upstairs and finish washing the dishes! [ Mother leaves ] Freeze: Come on, dear, just give us a chance. Father: Absolutely not! The two things I hate the most— rap music and homosexuality, are in this one room! Blade: Well, someone needs to like, take a chill pill. Christopher: Come on, girls, let's go back to my place. We can make sweet love all night long, then I can eat peanut butter out of Flame's ass crack. All: All right! [ end sketch as Icy Hot Stuntaz leave with their boyfriend; father covers his face with hands in shame; cue rap beat ] [ SUPER: Icy Hot Stuntaz ] Rate or review this sketch. |
