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| Winona Ryder... Amy Poehler Judge... Ana Gasteyer Defense Attorney... Jeff Richards Prosecutor... Johnny Mosely Bailiff\Demon... Will Ferrell [Scene opens with an exterior shot of the Beverly Hills Courthouse. We go inside and see a hearing about to start] Bailiff: All rise! For the honorable Judge Susan Chadeayne. [Everyone rises] Judge: Be seated. This case involves the City of Beverly Hills against actress Winona Ryder, in the matter of grand theft. Miss Ryder, you are accused of shoplifting over $4500 in merchandise from the store, "Saks Fifth Avenue." Are you prepared to enter a plea? Winona Ryder: Not guilty, your honor. Judge: Very well, bail will be set at... [She reaches for her gavel, but can't find it.] Set at... [Looks around] Bailiff, have you seen my gavel? Bailiff: No, your honor. Perhaps you left it in your chambers? Judge: [annoyed] No, I didn't leave it in my chambers. I always bring it with me. I had it when I... [Looks over and sees the gavel in Winona's hands] Miss Ryder, why do you have my gavel? Winona Ryder: This is my gavel, your honor. I bought it in the gift shop. Judge: No, it is not! You are in possession of the court's gavel. Please bring it up here. Defense Attorney: My client has a receipt for that gavel, your honor. Judge: This is outrageous! I'm holding you in contempt, Miss Ryder. You are to report to... [She tries to sit down and falls down on her ass. Her chair is gone] MISS RYDER! Winona Ryder: Sorry, your honor. [She brings the chair out from under thedefendant's table.] I thought this was my chair. [The bailiff comes and gets the chair and the gavel from Winona Ryder. She looks sheepish. He returns them to the judge] Prosecutor: Your Honor, I would like to request that Miss Ryder also return my pants. [We cut to him and he is standing in his boxer shorts.] Judge: How the HELL did you manage to take his pants? Winona Ryder: I'm quick, your Honor. Defense Attorney: My client was just borrowing those pants. She fullyintended to return them later. Judge: Okay, this is out of hand. Miss Ryder, kindly return all the items that you have taken from this courtroom. Including [pointing to the prosecutor] his pants. [Winona Ryder starts to pull out items from underneath the defendant'stable. She produces a purse, a pair of shoes, a set of car keys, a cell phone, and a man's prosthetic leg.] Prosecutor: YOU took my leg! I was wondering where it was. [He limps over and takes his pants and his leg] Winona Ryder: I'm sorry, your honor. The leg must have gotten caught in thepants. Judge: [flabbergasted] Is that all? [Winona starts to pull out progressively larger and larger items. She pulls out a toilet, a ceiling fan, a window pane, some roof shingles, an American flag, a small Chinese man, and finally pulls out a large wooden door.] [The Judge turns around and looks behind her. The door to her chambers is missing.] Judge: [stunned] Oh. My. God. Miss Ryder, there's not a word in theEnglish language that can fully convey my anger right now. To come into my courtroom and steal my own personal items, right in front of my nose! You are a world-class filcher! Defense Attorney: [quickly standing] Uh, I object, your honor. No one has accused my client of deviant gerbil sex acts. That is all just hearsay. Judge: [annoyed] I said FILCHER. FILCHER, you dumbass. Not felcher. Defense Attorney: Oh. [long awkward pause] Never mind. [sits downquickly.] [Winona pulls out a bloody human organ. It looks like a kidney.] Judge: Is that... is that a kidney? [The Bailiff suddenly gasps and clutches his side. He falls to his knees and tries to talk.] Bailiff: Toxin levels... in blood... too high! Need... nephrons! Body cannot... process... excess waste! Going into... shutdown! [He collapses into a heap on the floor.] Judge: [furious] Great! You have incapacitated my bailiff! Miss Ryder, I am adding this to the charges against you. Assaulting an officer of the court! You are in big trouble! Somebody get me a doctor. [The Bailiff suddenly rises up from the floor. His eyes are bright red and he is growling. He levitates a foot off the ground and starts to speak in tongues.] Bailiff: Growl! Grrr! Sphummf! Grrr, arrwlll! [low moaning]Awgrrrarff! [Flames erupt from beneath the Bailiff as he points a long finger at the judge. He speaks in a very low and guttural voice.] Bailiff: Join us! Come down to my dominion in Hell and we shall dine on the entrails of the unbelievers! Our unholy spawning will bring forth generations of evil for years to come! Judge: [cowering and terrified] Miss Ryder, did you just steal his soul?? Winona Ryder: Sorry, your honor. I couldn't help it. [She produces a jar with the soul sealed inside.] Judge: There is now a demon in my courtroom! Somebody stop it! [She hides under her desk] Bailiff: Now is the time for our carnal lust to be satiated! I shalldevour... [he starts to scream in pain] AAAAGGGGHHHHHH! [He gurgles and collapses into a heap on the floor, foam spurting out of his mouth. Bile and other assorted liquids burst forth from his body, splattering the walls of the courtroom.] [Everyone is silent. The judge slowly rises up from behind the desk. She has demon-foam in her hair and greenish liquid stuck to her robes.] Judge: Is it... is it dead? Winona Ryder: [holding some sort of bloody organ] Yes, your honor. I was able to reach into its chest cavity and take its life force. It no longer exists in this dimension. Judge: Uh... good. Well done. And... DAMN... you have quick hands.[Reaches down to straighten her robe and wipe off some of the slime andbile.] This courtroom is adjourned. Miss Ryder, your trial will be set for March 18th, you are free on bail until then. And... please, PLEASE be careful with what you steal in the meantime. Winona Ryder: Thank you, your honor. [The judge flees the courtroom as a janitor moves in to sweep up the demon carcass] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
