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Intro: (Graphic) DIVORCE COURT. WHERE JUSTICE TAKES CENTER COURT (Bailiff, Billy Joe, at the stand, Man and Woman in positions of Plaintiff and Defendant.) Bailiff: All rise for her royal honorness Judge Debbie. (Debbie enters and takes her seat) Judge Debbie: Thank you, Billy Joe. How are you doing today? Bailiff: Alright, your honorness, just waiting on those test results down at the free clinic. Judge Debbie: (pauses and looks uneasy) Alright, what have we got here today? Bailiff: Mrs. Cheryl Atkins vs. Mr. Bernard Atkins. Mrs. Atkins is filing for divorce and seeks the custody of their 2 children, Tammy and Danquechene. Judge Debbie: I’m sorry, Danquechene? Cheryl: Yes ma’am. My youngest daughter’s name is Danquechene. Judge Debbie: Like the song “Danquechene”? Cheryl: Yes ma’am. We were listening to Wayne Newton when she was, well, conceived. So we named her Danquechene. Judge Debbie: I’m sure Danquechene is very grateful to both of you. Now Mrs. Atkins, what’s your position here? You’re seeking a divorce and custody of the 2 children, is that right? Cheryl: Yes. And also I would like for Mr. Atkins to be financially responsible for the welfare of our children. Judge Debbie: So you want half, is that right? Cheryl: Yes, ma’am. Judge Debbie: Present your case for me please. Cheryl: Well, your honor, Bernard here is never around. He’s always out with his (making quotation marks with her fingers) “work buddies”, he’s never around when I need him to pick up the kids from school, and when he is home he just sits in front of the TV drinking beer and scratching himself in parts I don’t care to discuss. (Bernard shakes his head in disgust) Judge Debbie: (quickly) You got a problem over there, Mr. Atkins?! Bernard: (surprised) What? No, ma’am. I’m sorry. Judge Debbie: (angrily) Sure sounds like it. Go ahead, Mrs. Atkins. Cheryl: Well, like I said, he never cleans up at the house. He spends most of his money at the Nudey Bar. And (stops to hold back a tear), we haven’t made love in over six months. Judge Debbie: Six months! Bernard what are you doing? This is a beautiful young woman and you’re just sitting around scratching in all your nether regions while this poor, hard-working, caring mother of your children is slowly killing herself trying to keep you happy. (Cheryl starts crying) Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Bernard? Bernard: Well, your honor, I… Judge Debbie: Ahhhhh, I don’t want to hear it. Cheryl: (crying) All I want is for my husband to be around and help raise our children and make me feel like the woman I used to be. Judge Debbie: Oh Cheryl, darlin’, you have suffered so…. (motioning to bailiff) Billy Joe, would you? (Billy Joe escorts Cheryl to the stand. Debbie takes out some tissues and Bon-Bons and puts them in front of Cheryl) Honey, it’s gonna be O.K. You are a strong, beautiful woman and no man on this Earth can take that from you. Cheryl: (sits down and takes a tissue and some Bon-Bons) He used to take me out by the lake at night with champagne and play songs on his guitar and then we’d make love for hours at a time and now (sobs) he doesn’t even sleep in the same room with me. (cries) Judge Debbie: (takes her hand) He makes you feel unpretty? (Cheryl nods. Debbie looks back at Bernard in disgust) He makes you feel worthless? (Cheryl nods. Debbie looks back at Bernard in disgust) He makes you feel like less of a woman? (Cheryl cries “YES”. Debbie looks back at Bernard in disgust) Bernard, it’s men like you that bring down good hard-working women like this little dove here. She used to be happy. She used to feel pretty. She used to have dreams of one day even being a cellist in the New York symphony orchestra until you had to go sleeping around with all those little tramps you would meet in the nightclubs and spend all our money until I had to pawn my cello just to get through Law School! (she stops as everyone is staring at her) I find for the Plaintiff, case dismissed. Bernard: But I… but I didn’t even… what’s a cello? (Bernard and Cheryl walk off.) Judge Debbie: Billy Joe, what time is it? Bailiff: 11:20, your honor. Judge Debbie: Well, where does the time go. I’ve got to get to my cello lessons. (Debbie gets up and leaves) See you tomorrow, Billy Joe. Bailiff: O.K. Judge Debbie. All rise for his royal honorness Judge Andre. (Andre comes out with some files under his arm and gives Billy Joe a fist pound and sits down) Judge Andre: What’s happening, Billy Joe. Bailiff: Nothing much your honorship. Just trying to wait out these hemorrhoids. Judge Andre: Whoa! Too much info, Billy Joe. Well, let’s do this, call the next case. Bailiff: Mrs. Tamara Gibbs vs. Mr. Tony Gibbs. Mrs. Gibbs is seeking a divorce on grounds that Mr. Gibbs is unfaithful and addicted to Internet porn, your honor. Judge Andre: (To Tony) Well that doesn’t sound too bad. (Tony shrugs) Mrs. Gibbs, run down your case for me. Tamara: Well, your honor, Tony and I have been married for 3 years now and I’ve slept alone at night too many times. He comes home at all hours of the night smelling of different perfumes. I found one of his shirts with lipstick on it and even a pair of his boxers had lipstick stains on it. (Judge Andre gives Tony a “way to go” head nod. Tony smiles and nods) Your honor? Judge Andre: I’m sorry Mrs. Gibbs, please continue. (Andre opens his files and appears to be reading) Tamara: Well, like I was saying, I’ve got friends all over town who tell me they’ve seen him out with other girls at this club called “Daddio’s” or something. 2 or 3 different girls a week! And when I call him at work, he’s never there. They just say he’s out, or he’s busy, but I know what he’s doing, you old rat! (Judge Andre pokes Billy Joe to get his attention and then shows him a centerfold from a Playboy. They both smile and oogle the centerfold) Your honor?! Judge Andre: I’m sorry Mrs. Gibbs. I was listening, really. Tony’s a dog, I know. (to Tony) So, Tony, my man. Is all this stuff that this woman’s been saying true? Tony: No sir, your honor. Judge Andre: Well I see no reason to continue this any further. I rule in favor of the Defendant. Tamara: What?! What is going on here, this isn’t fair! Judge Andre: Billy Joe would you see this woman to the door. (Billy Joe escorts Tamara out the door while she’s still screaming. Tony walks over and gives Andre a hug and a pound) Tony: Alright, dog, I’ll see you over at Daddio’s later on. (Tony exits) Judge Andre: Billy Joe, let’s call the last case and get out of here. Bailiff: Alright, next up, Michelle Rodriguez vs. Emanuel Rodriguez. Michelle is seeking a divorce due to “irreconcible”, “irecon-syllable”, “ireccon-… Judge Andre: Billy Joe…. (Billy Joe looks up) “irreconcilable”? Bailiff: Oh yeah. Thanks your honorship. She’s seeking a divorce due to ir-rec-on-ci-la-ble (Looks up at Judge Andre, who nods approvingly) differences. (Billy Joe smiles proudly at himself. Michelle and Emanuel come the podiums. Michelle is drop dead gorgeous.) Judge Andre: (stands up quickly and stares intently at Michelle, slams down the gavel) Divorce granted! (walks over and puts his arm around Michelle and they start to walk off) Tell me, have you ever heard of a place called Daddio’s? Rate or review this sketch. |
