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Frog... Jon Stewart Princess... Amy Poehler 2nd Frog... Seth Myers [Scene opens near a pond in a meadow. A young princess, in full regal attire, is walking around the pond, singing to herself] Frog: [he speaks in a very croaky voice] Hey, you. [The princess stops singing and looks around.] Princess: Hello? Who's there? Frog: Down here. [She looks down and spots a small frog, sitting on a lily-pad] Princess: Why hello there, mister talking Frog. Are you magic? I don't believe I've ever met a talking frog before. Frog: Yes, I'm magic. I am actually a prince. A witch cursed me, and trapped me here in this frog body. Can you please help me get free? Princess: [excitedly] Oh my! A prince! I've found a frog prince! How exciting! Am I supposed to kiss you? Frog: Yes, of course. That's the only way to break the spell. Princess: This is so exciting! My very own prince Charming! I would be happy to free you, my love. [She picks the frog up in her palm and kisses him on the lips.] [She stands back and waits. Nothing happens] Princess: Hey, what happened? You didn't transform. Frog: I don't think you did it right. Princess: But I kissed you! That's what all the books say to do. If you find a frog prince, you kiss him on the lips and he transforms into a handsome prince. That's what I did! Frog: I think you were supposed to use your tongue. Princess: [shocked] An open mouthed kiss? [covers her mouth with her hand] Such as they do in France? I've never heard of that rule before. Frog: Yeah, I've heard that it helps sometimes. This is a powerful spell, I'm not sure a simple kiss will work. I think you should slip me some tongue. Princess: [wary] Are you sure? Frog: Look, why would I make this up? I'm a frog, I have a simple nervous system. I lack the ability to get aroused by a kiss. I just want to be human again! [sniffling] Can you please help me? Princess: Well, okay. My sweet prince, I will save you! [She leans down and French kisses him. The two of them remain lip locked for a few seconds and then she stands back.] Frog: Hot damn! Princess: [spitting out slime from her mouth] Yuck. Welcome to our kingdom, sir prince! [pause] Hey, nothing happened. Frog: Damn, you taste good, woman! Princess: [annoyed] Listen, frog. What are you up to? Are you really a prince? Frog: I swear, I'm not lying! I'm a prince! A handsome prince! I look like David Cassidy! Princess: [confused] Who is David Cassidy? Frog: [backpedaling] Aww man. You see? I've been a frog for so long, I forgot who the kids like nowadays. I look like Fabio. You know, the can't-believe-it's-not-butter guy. Princess: But Fabio is old! I don't want a prince who looks like Fabio! Frog: How about one of them N'Sync kids. Do you like them? Princess: I guess they're okay. Frog: Well there you go. I look like one of them. Now help me transform and we'll get it on. Princess: Well I'm not gonna kiss you again. No way. If you want to transform, you have to think of another way. Frog: Okay...[thinking] Maybe rubbing my tummy will help? Princess: [wary] Fine. No tricks though. Frog: Just put your finger right here. Yeah, right there, under my gill. [she puts her finger there] Okay, now start moving it faster... Now faster... [he starts moaning loudly] Princess: [shocked] Hey! [She drops the frog to the ground] Ewww! [She starts wiping her finger on her dress] What did you just make me rub? Frog: [suave] C'mon, baby. You know you liked it. Princess: [angry] Look, I have better things to do than stand out here and manually stimulate a frog! What the hell is up with you?? How dare you try to score with a princess! Frog: I don't make the rules! I just want to be a human again! The rules say that in order to transform back into a prince, I have to find a hot 18-year-old babe and get to at least third base with her. Those are the rules, I can't break them! Princess: [angrily poking a finger at him] Listen, frog. You will never... EVER... get with me. Frog: Can I touch your breasts? Princess: [very angry] NO! Frog: How about oral sex? Are we still up for that? Princess: Ewww! No! Frog: [trying to be suave] C'mon, baby. You like to swing, I know you do. Have you seen the length of my tongue? Princess: [in a huff] I am leaving now, good sir frog. You are not a prince, you are just a perverted little frog! And if you ever try to hit on me again, I will step on you. Good day! [She storms off] Frog: [under his breath so she can't hear] Bitch. [After she leaves, another frog hops up next to the first one.] 2nd Frog: Hey dude, nice work. You almost scored with that one. Frog: Yeah, I thought I had her. 2nd Frog:[nodding appreciatively] Very nice. Very nice indeed. So what was your score? Frog: Let's see... one point for the kiss, one for the tongue, two points for seeing down her shirt and five points for getting her to rub me. Nine points today, and that makes the overall score 34 to 34. We have ourselves a tie! 2nd Frog: Damn. Okay, but I'm gonna touch some boob with the next one. See if I don't. That's double points. Frog: Good luck. [pats his buddy on the back] Reach for the stars, my friend. Reach for the stars. [The sun sets with the two of them on a lily-pad, watching for the next princess to pass by] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
