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Dick Sore.....Jon Stewart Nick Burns.....Jimmy Fallon Co-Worker #1.....Jeff Richards Co-Worker #2.....Horatio Sanz Co-Worker #3.....Chris Kattan (opens in an office. Dick Sore and his three co-workers are working on their computers) Co-Worker #1: Damn! My program crashed again! Dick Sore: I told you these computers are crap. Co-Worker #2: Looks like we gotta call Nick again. Co-Worker #3: I don't like that guy. Dick Sore: I hate him too. He smells like crap. (Nick Burns enters) Nick Burns: Hey, I heard ya, Celeron-head! (split screen with Nick and Dick) Announcer: Dick Sore versus Nick Burns: The Showdown (SUPER: Dick Sore vs. Nick Burns: The Showdown) Dick Sore: Shut up, crappy one! You're more geeky than a geek. Co-Worker #1: (laughing) Ha! Nice one, Dick! Nick Burns: Shut up, 8X brain! Now why are you disturbing me this time? Co-Worker #1: Well, each time I open my program, my computer crashes. Nick Burns: First, did you press Control-Alternate-Delete? Co-Worker #1: Uhhh...no I didn't. Nick Burns: Oh that's right you don't know what "CTRL" means, don't you? Did you reboot your computer? Co-Worker #1: Nope. Nick Burns: Why? 'Cuz you couldn't find the Reset button? MOVE! (Co-Worker #1 moves and Nick Burns starts typing) Nick Burns: There, it's working. Was it so hard? Co-Worker #1: Actually, YES! Nick Burns: Your head didn't have enough RAM to process the idea of solving that problem, right? Okay, who's next? Co-Worker #2: (picks up a MP3 player) Hey Nick. Well, my problem is my MP3 player. It just doesn't seems to work. Nick Burns: So you can't listen to "I'm Too Sexy" while playing with yourself, I see...do you have your memory card in your player? Co-Worker #2: Yeah. Nick Burns: And did you upload your songs on that card? Co-Worker #2: (confused) Upload? Nick Burns: MOVE! (plugs the player in the computer and starts typing) Should be working now. Co-Worker #2: (turns on the player, we can hear music) Hey, it's working. Thanks, Nick! Nick Burns: Awww..get lost! All right, who needs to be educated? Dick Sore: (angry) Enough with your crap-talk! We're not that crappy with computers! Nick Burns: (laughing) Ha! What did you say? You guys suck like a Pentium 1 133 Mhz! Dick Sore: Shut up, you greasy-haired crapbag! Nick Burns: Was it an insult or an invalid command? Dick Sore: Look, we're both crap-mouthed in our own ways. Let's settle all this with a crap-off. Nick Burns: A what? Dick Sore: A crap-off. The person who gives the most crap to the other wins. Nick Burns: (confident) I see. Fine, let's do this. (Cuts to a dark bar on the side of a road. Dick Sore and Nick Burns are standing in the middle staring at each other. Many people around them are loudly cheering.) Co-Worker #3: Ladies and gentlemen, we are reunited tonight to witness the sporting event of the year: Dick Sore versus Nick Burns in a cruel crap-off! I think the contestants are ready, so let's start the fight! (The barman rings a bell) Dick Sore: I am the Crapmaster and I'll show you who's boss in crap-offs! Nick Burns: Are you kidding? A freak who can't even calibrate a joystick can't be boss! Co-Worker #2: Point! Burns! Dick Sore: Maybe I can't cali...something, but at least I have a girlfriend! Nick Burns: Is she that piece of crap you showed me yesterday? Co-Worker #1: Point! Burns! Co-Worker #3: The score is 2 to nothing for Nick Burns! Dick Sore: I know, crap-head! How about this, crappy dude: Why is your hair so slick? Do you clean your crappy toilet bowl with it? Nick Burns: Wow, three "crap" words in the same sentence. You really outdone yourself Dick. Dick Sore: This is a crap-off after all! Co-Worker #2: He's right. Point! Sore! Nick Burns: (nervous) Ummm...well...umm Dick Sore: Are you done already, crap-king? Nick Burns: I...think so. Co-Worker #3: This game is over and the winner is: Dick Sore! Dick Sore: Once again, I am the CRRRRRRAPMASTER!!! Nick Burns: All right, all right... Co-Worker #1: Whoa, Dick, you really clobbered that freak. Dick Sore: I know. Hell, I'm tired. Who wants some Crap Cola? Co-Worker #2: Yuck! (screen freezes) Announcer: And so, Dick Sore proved once again that he was the master of crappy insults. Unfortunately, when he got back home, Nick Burns shot him to death and ran away to Mexico. We can currently see Nick's face on America's Most Wanted and in department stores. (fade) Rate or review this sketch. |
