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John Ramis.....Jon Stewart Angelle the Hooker.....Ana Gasteyer John Ramis: Hi. If you're like most people, home security is not something you think about. You're too busy thinking about fast food and hookers. Did you know that the average home in America is broken into every ten seconds. That's right, the same house, over and over again. But never while protected by Ramis Home Security. Why? Because we pull out all the stops. How about AK-47 rifles? Ramis Home Security will provide you and your family with as many of these deadly rifles as you need to protect your home. You'll feel so secure with our AK-47 rifles in your home, you might find yourself daring thieves to enter your home. Rifles not enough? How about an emotionally-disturbed guard dog trained to bite off the privates of any suspicious person who comes within 100 feet of your house. We've got 'em! And they can't wait to sink their teeth into the balls of your neighborhood thief. [ whistles ] Here, boy! [ cue growling dog and menacing snap sound effect ] And because we know you'll love what Ramis Home Security has to offer, we also offer one other incentive - hookers. I mean, housesitters. [ awkward pause ] Okay, the housesitter is a hooker. You like to go on vacation, but you worry about leaving your home unprotected, right? That's where Ramis Home Security comes to the rescue, by having trained hookers like Angelle.. [ Hooker enters scene ] ..housesit your home while you're away. They'll also welcome you home with open arms and open legs. In fact, Angelle's more than a hooker - she's also my wife. That's the kind of sacrifice I'm willing to make to ensure the safety of your home. Sounds too good to be true? It isn't. Deadly weapons, deranged poochies, and hookers. All your home security needs in one complete package. Other companies may promise eye sensors and computer-coded control panels wired to the main office, but we at Ramis Home Security think actions apeak louder than words. Once your neighborhood thief is walking around with his guts hanging out and his testicles chewed in half, he won't be thinking about getting back into your house. And you'll be too busy being seduced by our hookers to even worry about his problems. That's the Ramis difference. Ramis Home Security. We get the job done - in more ways than we should. Rate or review this sketch. |
