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Peter Scolari.....Jon Stewart Tom Hanks.....Jeff Richards [ open on Tom Hanks talking to his agent on his cell phone, when autograph seeker Peter Scolari moves forward ] Peter Scolari: Excuse me? Mr. Robbins? Could I please have your autograph? Tom Hanks: [ turning from cell phone ] Mr. Robbins? I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong guy. Peter Scolari: You're not Tim Robbins? Tom Hanks: Uh.. no. I'm Oscar winner Tom Hanks. Peter Scolari: [ bewildered ] Tom?! Tom Hanks! Oh, my God, I can't believe I didn't recognize you! Oh, God! It's me! Peter Scolari! Tom Hanks: [ trying to remember ] Peter Scolari..? Peter Scolari: We used to work together on "Bosum Buddies"! Tom Hanks: "Bosum Buddies"? [ alarmed at the memory ] Security!! Peter Scolari: [ laughing like a dweeb ] Oh, come on! Just like old times, always the clown! My God, how have you been, what have you been doing lately? Tom Hanks: Peter, I've been making movies left and right. Peter Scolari: I know, I can't believe it. No offense, but you're the last person I would have expected to achieve this great success. Especially after doing that dog movie, and the other one with the red shoe and the volcano, or something or another.. Tom Hanks: Uh, yes.. I did take a few calculated risks on the road to stardom - "Turner & Hooch", "Joe vs. the Volcano", "Bosum Buddies".. but look where I am now! Peter Scolari: Yeah, that's terrific, I can't get over it. When you played the dumb guy from the South, at first I didn't think it was an act, that's how convincing you were in that role. Tom Hanks: Well, thanks, Peter. It was really nice running into you, I hope we can meet again in another twenty years - Peter Scolari: No, no, wait, don't go. You've got to help me, Tom! Please? Don't let me fade further into obscurity, it's just not fair! I want to do movies, too! Help me re-achieve stardom! Tom Hanks: Well, I.. I didn't realize you'd achieved it a first time, but.. alright. Peter Scolari: What can I do to make a name for myself in the motion picture industry? Tom Hanks: Well, first you need to be given a great script. This can take time, because you'll have to start with minor roles, sometimes in minor pictures which could later build a cult status. Like "Bachelor Party". Peter Scolari: I love "Bachelor Party". I just masturbated to it last night. Tom Hanks: [ disturbed ] Yea-ah.. okay. Another thing that helps is to accept roles in movies with other star power. If you did some kind of buddy picture with Mel Gibson or Jackie Chan, people would notice you. Stunningly beautiful love interests also help - your Cameron Diaz, your Julia Roberts, women like that. Peter Scolari: I've worked with attractive females before. Tom Hanks: That's really a judgment call, Peter. I mean, your last female co-star was Julia Duffy. She's not really enough to draw an audience. Peter Scolari: Who would you suggest? Tom Hanks: Well, who did I star with in three movies? Peter Scolari: [ thinking ] Meg Ryan? Tom Hanks: Exactly. That's star power. I also teamed up with Helen Hunt in "Cast Away". Peter Scolari: I loved her in "Mad About You". Tom Hanks: No, you're still fixating on television. Think out of the box, Peter. The trick is to appear in a movie with lasting star power. Hell, even in "Philadelphia", my love interest was Antonio Banderas. Peter Scolari: [ impressed ] Wow. That's even better than Julia Duffy. [ thinking ] Hey, wait a minute.. didn't you make that house movie with Shelley Long. Tom Hanks: [ shaking it off ] That was a long time ago, Peter. I left Shelley Long sitting in the compost pile with you. If you're going to get out, you need to make better casting decisions. Peter Scolari: Alright, alright, alright.. [ thinking ] Let me ask you this: if you make a sequel to "Cast Away", can I play the volleyball? Tom Hanks: No, you can't play the volleyball, Peter! Peter Scolari: Why not? Am I too tall for the part. Tom Hanks: Well, no.. you're the right height to play a volleyball.. But I thought you might prefer to have some sort of speaking role. Peter Scolari: Oh, right. Right.. maybe we should play to my strengths instead. People still remember me for playing an unscrupulous yuppie on "Newhart". Tom Hanks: [ disgusted ] That show's from the 80's! Nobody casts yuppie roles any more. Peter, are you sure you're ready to take the leap onto the silver screen? Peter Scolari: I promise. [ desperate ] Just give me a role, Tom. I'll play the damn volleyball, I'll play Hitler, I'll be your goddamn stunt testicles if I have to, just whatever the hell it takes to get my face onto a widescreen. Tom Hanks: You don't have to be anyone's testicles, Peter. If you're truly this desperate for a movie role, I'm sure I could make a few calls and get into another one of those "American Pie" sequels. Peter Scolari: Oh, God, yes! [ his cell phone beeps ] I'm sorry, Tom, that's my agent/brother-in-law. One moment. [ answers phone ] Hello? What? That's great! You're kidding me! A real cinematic production, I don't believe it! Hold on! [ covers mouthpiece ] Tom, my brother-in-law got me a movie role! Tom Hanks: [ excited ] That's great! Fantastic! What's the production? Peter Scolari: It's a great concept. Dreamworks is putting together a live-action movie about the Care Bears. They want me to audition for the role of Birthday Bear. Tom Hanks: Tell him to let you audition for Tenderheart Bear, or it's no dice! If you're going to be on the big screen, you get yourself top billing, Mister! Peter Scolari: Good thinking. [ returns to his phone ] Sid? Forget Birthday Bear. I insist on auditioning for the role of Tenderheart. He's the main Care Bear, and you know it. I want top billing on this one, Sid. No problem? Terrific! I'll be on the set first thing Monday morning. [ hangs up ] Well, Tom, old friend, you've changed my life. Tom Hanks: [ embarrassed ] Well, uh.. I'm glad I could help, Peter. Peter Scolari: If I win the Academy Award for Best Actor, I'll definitely thank you in my acceptance speech. Tom Hanks: Well, now, if we're both up for that award, don't you go rubbing it all in my face, okay? Peter Scolari: Of course not! [ they make playful boxer jabs at one another ] Tom Hanks: You take care now. Peter Scolari: Don't you worry about me, I'm gonna be alright. I'm.. Tenderheart Bear! [ they shake hands, then turn and walk away in opposite directions ] [ Music Out: "My Life", Billy Joel ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
