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.....Jon Stewart .....Tina Fey .....Jimmy Fallon .....Kevin Nealon Announcer: Weekend Update, with Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon! [Opening Credits of "Weekend Update" with pictures of Tina and Jimmy] (cut to shot of Jon Stewart sitting at desk, by himself, mug of water on his side) Jon Stewart: Hey everybody! I'm Jon Stewart! Oh, we've got a tremendous show for you tonight! Later on we'll have music from Indie.Arie, but first… HEADLINES! [graphic of Daily Show-type "Headlines" box shows up over his shoulder] Jon Stewart: Do you remember the good old days? You know, when all you had to worry about was Anthrax, War, and the occasional multi-million dollar Energy company declaring bankruptcy! Well, turns out, we're still in those days, and yes, we have even MORE to report on them! (Tina comes in from left, Jimmy comes in from right, both looking at Jon with odd expressions) Jimmy Fallon: Uh, Jon? Jon Stewart: (surprised) Yeah, Jimmy? Jimmy Fallon: Um... what are you doing? Jon Stewart: (motioning to audience) I'm doing the show… (rolls eyes) Tina Fey: Yeah, yeah… this is OUR bit. Jon Stewart: But… no, cause this is what I do. Tina Fey: Yeah! On THE DAILY SHOW! Jimmy Fallon: Tina, calm… Tina Fey: No, Jimmy, this is OUR territory! Jon Stewart: (laughing) Calm down, lady… Tina Fey: (leaning over Jon) This is NETWORK, Jonny-boy.. go back to cable where you belong! Jon Stewart: (no longer smiling, stands up) Woah woah.. below the belt just a little bit! Jimmy Fallon: Come on Tina, we'll just do our show and you two can fight later… Jon/Tina: Shut up Jimmy! Jimmy Fallon: (sitting) Oh boy… (hanging head in hands) Tina Fey: Leave! Jon Stewart: Woah, when did YOU turn into such a bitch! Tina Fey: ExCUSE me?! Jon Stewart: (laughing, pointing at her) Look at you, I can see flames coming out your nose! Tina Fey: Look, Comedy Central boy, this is Saturday Night Live, okay? This is an Establishment. Leave it to the professionals. Jon Stewart: Look, Tina, with all due respect, I am a little bit more experienced than you… Tina Fey: Really?! From what? Your MTV days?! Your days on Paramount.. oh, the big bad Jon Stewart Show… can I just say one word? CANCELED! Jon Stewart: (angry) Yeah?! Well, did YOU win a Peabody award a year ago?! Jimmy Fallon: Hey, hey, guys… Tina Fey: OH! A big bad, Peabody award… Jon Stewart: AND an Emmy for writing… beating… I believe.. YES! I believe beating YOU OUT! Tina Fey: Oh, yes, that makes me feel SO bad… I've won, what? Three? Jon Stewart: (waving hands) OH! Big whoop! (in sarcastic voice) I've won three! Tina Fey: (picking up water, tossing it in Jon's face) Jon Stewart: You bitch! (chasing Tina off screen) (Tina and Jon run off screen, yelling at each other) Jimmy Fallon: Oooookay.. um… so, okay….. um, right, I'll just.. do the news by myself.. that's fine.. that's okay…. (Kevin Nealon comes on) Kevin Nealon: Jimmy? Jimmy Fallon: (smiling) Kevin Nealon?! Kevin Nealon: (smiling, sitting in unoccupied chair) Need a co-host? Jimmy Fallon: (nodding enthusiastically) Excellent! Rate or review this sketch. |
