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Candice.....Cameron Diaz Meg.....Maya Rudolph Gary.....Chris Parnell Sherry.....Amy Poehler Scott.....Jimmy Fallon [ open on exterior shot, apartment building at night ] [ slow dissolve to interior, Candice in the kitchen of her apartment as the doorbell rings ] Candice: Come in! [ cut to front door, as Meg and Gary enter, carrying a bottle of wine ] Gary: We're here! Meg: Oh, Candice, we're so excited about seeing your new apartment! Just look what you've done.. to it..? [ mouth agape ] [ wider shot reveals that Candice's apartment is completely bare, no furniture in sight ] Candice: [ smiling ] Now, don't you get all jealous, Meg, okay? I know what you're thinking - look at all the space I'm getting. But trust me, it didn't come cheap! Gary: Um.. is there any particular reason why you don't have any furniture, Meg? A problem with your movers, perhaps? Candice: You couldn't be any more off-base, Gary. When I saw the space I was getting here, I just thought it would be such a waste to fill it with a lot of tacky furniture. I like to have room to move about, without bumping into things in the middle of the night. So I sold my furniture and donated the money to the poor. Gary: As noble as that may be, don't you think it's a little, I don't know, what's the word, stupid? Meg: Yeah, Candice. I mean, where are we supposed to sit? Candice: Are you floating through space, and I'm just not aware of it? Find a spot on the carpet and sit down! You're gonna love the texture. [ Meg and Gary are hesitant, but they finally sit down on the carpet ] Gary: Ooh, is this Berber? Candice: It sure is. [ a knock is heard at the door, as Sherry and Scott enter ] Sherry: Hello! Door's open, thought we'd show ourselves in! [ notices the absence of furniture ] Oh.. Are we early? Scott: Wow, I love what you haven't done with the place. Candice: Oh, stop it, you guys! Hey, take a seat on the floor, it looks like the gang's all here! Scott: [ confused ] The floor? Gary: This is real Berber carpet, you've got to feel it! Scott: Dude, what have you been drinking? Gary: Uh.. nothing. Candice hasn't served us anything yet. Meg: Candice? Refreshments? Candice: Right here in the kitchen, guys! Wine spritzers for everyone! Sherry: [ searching through the kitchen ] Um.. where do you keep your glasses?? Candice: Oh, I'm sorry, Sherry. I don't have any glasses. Sherry: Huh? Why not? Candice: I'd rather not have glasses and pots and pans and dishes taking up a lot of unnecessary space. Scott: But couldn't you just put them in your cabinets? Candice: And waste all that valuable space? Scott: Right. That would be a shame. Meg: How do you eat without pots, pans or dishes? Candice: Have you ever heard of dining out? It's a revolutionary new concept. Gary: We're well aware of that revolution. But what happens if you get the crazy urge to bring your food home to eat? How do you manage without dishes? Candice: Oh, I just eat my food out on the balcony. That way, any crumbs I make just fall to the street below. [ awkward silence ] Scott: You don't even have a TV. Candice: TV's bad for the mind. I'd rather read a good book. Gary: Okay, but where do you keep your books? Candice: I go to the library and read their books. They have quite a collection, though too large for me to want to use up my space to store them here. Sherry: I'm afraid to ask, but what about your bedroom? Candice: [ points to door ] Behind this door. Scott: [ to the others ] Dare we look? Gary: Aren't you the least bit curious? [ Scott opens the bedroom door, as the four of them look in ] Sherry: No bed? Candice: Why waste space? I sleep on the floor. Meg: [ looking around ] There's no dresser, and the closet's empty. Where do you keep your clothes? Candice: Oh, I have a storage unit downtown, where I go each morning to change. I keep the key in my car so it doesn't take away any space up here. Gary: [ shaking his head ] This is all just a little too boffo for me, I need to clear my head. [ points to door ] Is this your bathroom? [ enters bathroom, then quickly walks back out ] Okay, there's no toilet in there. Candice: It takes up too much space. To me, a bathroom is like a sanctuary, and I like a lot of space when I draw my bath. I felt the toilet was crowding that experience. If you have to, just pee in the sink. Scott: [ suddenly starting to enjoy the evening ] Is that what you do? Candice: It's not as difficult as you'd think it would be. But it does helps to stand on a chair. Scott: But you don't have any chairs! Candice: I didn't say there weren't any sacrifices involved. Sherry: Candice, I think we're gonna go. This is has a very weird evening, and I don't think we can handle any more surprises. Candice: I understand, guys. Thanks for stopping by. [ everyone begins to shuffle through the door ] Scott: Yeah, thanks for having us. Meg: Maybe we can do this again sometime, someplace else. [ everyone has left the apartment ] Candice: Thank God they're all gone. [ opens pantry door and removes a small plastic folding chair ] Now I can bring out the good furniture. [ Candice places the folding chair on the balcony, sits down with a wine spritzer and stares out into the night ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
