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Belle.....Cameron Diaz Jasmine.....Maya Rudolph Aladdin.....Chris Kattan Beast.....Will Ferrell Interviewer.....Tracy Morgan Artist.....Darrell Hammond [scene: Interviewer is standing in front of a sign that says "Celebrity Boxing." with the Disney logo plastered on it.] Interviewer: Hello and welcome to Disney's Celebrity Boxing! I am your host Bob Mackenzie. Of course I have to mention that this boxing match is in no way sanctioned by Disney. We decided to use the logo anyways, cause it's so darn cute. Please don't sue! Ha ha. Anyways folks, we have a doozy of a match here tonight. Someone's gonna be seeing stars before this one's over. For real. Tonight's feature bout sees Jasmine, star of Disney's 'Aladdin', going up against Belle from 'Beauty and the Beast'. While I eat this cheese sandwich, why don't you watch these interviews I did earlier. [scene: The following scene cuts between tight shots of Jasmine, Interviewer, Aladdin, Belle and Artist. Each one apparently sitting in a boxing ring at the time of their interviews. Want it to look like each interview was done seperately a la 20/20.] Interviewer: So Jasmine...why did you challenge Belle to this fight? Jasmine: Well Bob, I got so sick of hearing 'Belle this' and 'Belle that' the whole time I was shooting 'Aladdin'. Everybody thinks she's soooo perfect. Well I know for a fact she isn't so perfect. Between u and me, she convinced the artists to use a little more ink than necessary 'upstairs', [makes booby motion with hands] if you know what I mean. Interviewer: But with all due respect Jasmine. All that was years ago. Why haven't you dropped the hate?[aside to Tony] Hey, make sure I get a cheese sandwich tonight, alright Tony? I can't do the show unless I have a cheese sandwich. Sorry Jasmine...go ahead. Jasmine: Well...oh my[choked up]...the other day...well, Aladdin said he was going to watch some movies on our new DVD player. After awhile I thought he might be lonely so I went to watch with him. When I got there, he was watching 'Beauty and the Beast'...and he was...well, rubbing his magic lamp shall we say. Damn that clear pause function![cries] Interviewer: U've heard the allegations. What say you? Aladdin: I was trying to summon my genie! Interviewer: What do you think about all this Belle? Belle: Look Mr. Mackenzie, I have no idea why she wants to fight me. I've come here hoping to make friends with her. [into camera] Please Jasmine, can't we be friends? Interviewer: Hello, Mr. McKramer. You worked on both 'Beauty and the Beast' and 'Aladdin'. Did you see this coming? [aside to Tony] What? Of course I want it melted. What do you think? I've never heard of anyone ordering an unmelted cheese sandwich. What? Look if it comes to me unmelted I am not doing the show. Sorry, go ahead sir. Artist: Ahh, it makes perfect sense. Jasmine is a complete b****. She was spoiled rotten. She got a huge payday from 'Aladdin' and all thanks to the trail Belle had blazed before her. Let me tell ya something. Belle did 'Beauty and the Beast' for peanuts. She got $20,000 and she had to clean up after the Beast. And let me tell you something about the Beast. When the Beast had to take a dump...the Beast took a dump! Meanwhile you got Jasmine there who keeps complaining that my drawings make her look fat. We ended up using half the budget from Pocahontas to do reshoots. [into camera] Let me tell you something Jasmine...it wasn't my drawings that made you look fat...it was something called natural light. [From out of nowhere Jasmine comes into scene and knocks over Artist. Cut to wide shot which shows all participants are actually in the ring at the same time.] Interviewer: Oh damn. I knew it was a bad idea to do all the interviews at the same. Nobody ever listens to me. TONY! [Cut back to original scene.] Interviewer: Mmmm, wasn't that delicious. And as an added bonus Aladdin will be the special guest referee. We couldn't find anyone else who would do it. Oh well, why don't we go to the ring and see who wins in this bitter grudge match. [Cut to wide shot of ring and then pan in to upper body shot of Belle and Jasmine and Aladdin in the middle dressed as a referee.] [Belle has no gloves on but instead is holding a book.] Belle: Please Jasmine...I just want to be your friend. [Jasmine knocks book out of Belle's hands. Belle bends over to pick up the book. Aladdin checks her out.] Jasmine: [to Aladdin] I can't believe you did that! [enter Beast.] Beast: Hey Aladdin, were you lookin' at my girl? [Beast begins punching the crap out of Aladdin. Belle gets back to her feet.] Jasmine: Now Belle, u're gonna get yours. Belle: No wait Jasmine...I know we can be friends. U...u remind me a lot of...well the Beast. So rough on the outside...so soft and warm on the inside...the way you snarl when you say my name...the excessive body hair. [Beast and Aladdin go through the motions of fighting but are clearly more intent on watching Jasmine and Belle as they stare into each other's eyes. They are about to kiss but then stop themselves.] [A bottle of Smirnoff enters from bottom of screen and obscures center of scene.] Announcer: This lesbian kiss is being brought to you by NBC and Smirnoff. Oh yeah. [Bottle drops away.] [Jasmine and Belle take a drink of Smirnoff from bottles they are suddenly holding. Belle and Jasmine kiss. They hug and then move off screen. Left onscreen is Beast who has Aladdin in a headlock. Aladdin smiles and winks at the Beast. The Beast takes a bottle of Smirnoff and drains it. The two...ugh...kiss I guess. Aladdin hops on the Beast's back and is carried off screen.] Announcer: Smirnoff. Is it in you? If it is, Smirnoff will help you find it. [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
