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Tom Arnold...Jimmy Fallon Chris Rose...Chris Kattan Jon Kruk.....Chris Parnell Harry Carey..Will Farell Lisa Guerrero.....Cameron Diaz [fade in with 'Best Damn Sports Show Period' logo on screen with camera swinging around studio] Chris Rose: "Hello and welcome to the 'Best Damn Sports Show Period.' I am joined as always by the loveable Tom Arnold [mix of cheers and boos; puzzled look on Arnold's face], Jon Kruck, [same reaction], plus Harry Carey! [loud applause.] Ok, let's get on with the... [interrupted by loud boos] Oh yes...Lisa Guerrero with score updates."[standing ovation and catcalls from the male crowd] Harry Carey: [looking confused] "What? Did the Cubs score?" Tom Arnold: "Hey Carey, pipe it so we can continue or you won't be able to sing." Harry Carey: "Allright....do I still get hot dogs as my paycheck?" [pause] Chris Rose: "Ok..let's get started. It has been a busy week in sports. First, Maryland capped off the NCAA Tournament with their first ever win, the NHL playoffs are taking shape, and MLB opened their new season April 1st. Let's start with our guest, Harry Carey." John Kruk: "Hey, I haven't talked yet!" Harry Carey: [stutters] "Hey..I might have been dead, but I saw when you had to duck from a Randy Johnson fastball in an All-Star game. This isn't T-ball sonny. Good thing you never played on the Cubbies or Sammy [Sosa] would've have kicked your ass!" John Kruk: [ticked off] "What? That fastball was like, 20 feet above my head. I wouldn't want to play on the damn Cubs anyways. Who wants to be on a losing team anyways?" Harry Carey: [shouting] "Cubs win! Cubs win!" Chris Rose: "Allright. I think we need a score update with Lisa Guerrero...[audience erupts again] Tom Arnold: "Oh, please, we haven't even started the show yet!" John Kruk: "So you'd rather have Roseanne do the scores instead?" [crowd boos] Tom Arnold: [embarrassed] "You son of a..." [cut to Guerrero] Lisa Guerrero: [cheerfully over the loud audience] "Hello, I'm Lisa Guerrero and you are watching the Best Damn Sports Show Period. In baseball tonight, the Pirates beat the Cubs 8-2..."[camera zooms out and down to show her chest in a tight blouse and a revealing photo of her in the upper right corner of the screen. The sound is also muted. After a few minutes she is done and the audio and video are switched back to the guys with everyone still speechless.] Chris Rose: "Lisa Guerrero everyone!" [audience erupts in applause] John Kruk: "Hey Carey, your Cubs lost...to the Pirates! [starts laughing hysterically, so does the audience] Harry Carey: "Hey, Barry Bonds can beat anyone by himself...but not Sammy!" Tom Arnold: "Uh...Bonds was traded to the Giants in 1993" Harry Carey: "I don't care as long as the Cubbies win it all and Sammy wins the home run race with 62 dingers!" John Kruk: "Oh man, get with it! Sammy isn't going to beat 73, only Bonds can! Plus, I have a better chance at playing again then the Cubs winning it all!" [pause] Harry Carey: "Can I sing now?" [crowd starts chanting for Lisa, and the three guests start arguing] Chris Rose: [shouting] "Well, another juvenile show for us on 'Best Damn...whatever. Later" [fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
