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Chris Kattan.....Cale Maya Rudolph.....Natasha Amy Poehler.....Lindsey Rachel Dratch.....Emily Jimmy Fallon.....Greg Dean Edwards.....Jay Jeff Richards.....Troy [ open in a high school cafeteria; three guys and three girls are sitting at a table chatting ] Emily: Oh my God, that algebra test was soo hard. Greg: What did ya get for number two? That one was a bitch. Lindsey: I got the square root of 3X to the third power times quantity X squared minus two, all divided by the cosine of theta to the power of one-quarter X. Greg: What the hell? You don't know math that well. Troy: Come on, Lindsey, you had to have cheated. Who'd ya copy off of, huh? Natasha: Definitely not me. I don't even know what an X is. Jay: That's cuz you a bimbo, Natasha. Natasha: So? At least I'm the captain of the cheerleading squad! Lindsey: Jay, Natasha, come on! You can have your pre-sex fight after school! Anyway, I copied off that new kid, Cale. Troy: You mean that loser with the tie-dye Flock of Seagulls T-Shirt on? Ha! Greg: I heard that guy spent one full day locked up in his closet, playing Magic and drinking a bottle of ketchup mixed with prune juice. Lindsey: Omigod, like, grody! Emily: Bill told me that Cale sometimes refers to himself as "The Sexy Rascal" when he's around girls. Greg: He's got issues, that's for sure. What a tool! Jay: He even more freaky than Natasha when she gettin' her freak on wit' me... or other anonymous college guys. Natasha: Omigod, like shut up Jay, you're so immature. Jay: That's what you say to anybody you sucked off before! [ sticks out tongue mischeviously ] Greg and Troy: Ohhhhhhh! [ the three guys exchange high-fives ] Natasha: Shut up already! Omigod, this is sooo not happening! [ Cale walks up to the table with his tray of food ] Cale: (really high-pitched, nerdy voice) Hello, popular kids. I'm a popular kid too. [ the six students laugh; Cale takes a piece of sloppy joe off his plate, drops it into his cup of pickle juice, stirring it with a spoon ] Greg: What the hell are you doing here? And what the hell are you making in that cup? Cale: I'm making a magic Goblin Potion that shall one day cause me to grow bunny ears and fly to Shazban-Ra to defeat the evil orcish warlock! [ the girls giggle ] Jay: Yo, dude, you on mad crack! Cale: Crack? What crack dost ye speak of? (chugs down his "Goblin Potion") Aah, 'tis the nectar of the gods. Greg: You are messed up. You would make Maury Povich cringe. Cale: [ stares into Natasha's eyes weirdly, then randomly shouts ] Hey, Natasha! Natasha: Whoa! What, Cale? Cale: Can you go out with me after school today? [ the other students look at each other and then all but Natasha bust out laughing raucously ] Natasha: Eww. Cale: We could go to my house and listen to Kajagoogoo and play some Dig Dug on my retro C-64/128 Commodore! Whaddaya say, huh? Natasha: I say you're freaking me out? Cale: Why is that? Is the Sexy Rascal too risqué for you? [ takes the pepper shaker off the table and sprinkles pepper down his pants as everyone gets really appalled looks on their faces ] I heard that Natasha likes it with seasoning. Natasha: [ on the verge of tears ] You're a freak! [ stands up, slaps Cale across the face, and leaves ] Cale: What's her problem? Troy: You're her problem, you moron. [ stands up and gets in his face ] You're pathetic. Now why don't you just go run along with all your fantasy-world friends, OK? Cale: Are you kidding? Those D&D guys are assholes! They called me a Mordavian She-Dwarf and threw their Dragon Dice at me! They stole my lunch money and silver Japanese edition Charmander from Limited Edition Pokemon! Troy: What the- Jay: Dude, you homosexual for' sho! Cale: No, Jay, not exactly. I'm not attracted to men, although I do like girls that are dressed in the Godly Armour of the Zodiac. And I bet they even own some Stones of Jordan... mmm... Greg: Dude! This is creeping me out big time. Emily: Oh my God, what are you doing now?! Cale: Man, I'm hungry. A starving Mage of Urza could use some grub. Hey, Greg, are you gonna finish that milk? Greg: Not really... Cale: Great! [ picks up carton of milk, and instead of drinking it, spills the milk onto the ground until it is empty, then nonchalantly takes a bite out of the cardboard carton and chews ] Mmm... a little on the glossy side. Lindsey: Gross. Cale: [ with his mouth still full of cardboard ] You know what's weird? You. [ walks towards Lindsey ] And I like weird girls, I think they're ... they're... intriguing. [ spits out wad of cardboard and wipes it on Lindsey's cheek ] Maybe you can roll my hit dice in the back of my mom's car, you know what I'm saying? Lindsey: [ punches Cale in the nuts, then head-butts him and slaps him ] You filthy, good for nothing weirdo! [ more punches ] Cale: Help! Help! Mages, help! Lord Urza, I summon you and your minions - Owww! Hey, let go of my hair! Aack! Aghh... I surrender to thou, vile succubus of Shannara... Aaaakkkhhh... [ end scene, with Troy, Greg, Jay, and Lindsey continuing to pound on Cale, with Emily watching and videotaping ] Rate or review this sketch. |
