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.....The Rock .....Bret "the Hitman" Hart Gordie Ropperchuk.....Seth Meyers Darren McCarty.....Jeff Richards Mike Grier.....Tracy Morgan John Armsgone.....Chris Kattan Dave Armsgone.....Chris Parnell Announcer.....Will Ferrell Peg-Legged Referee.....Horatio Sanz Announcer: Hello all, and welcome back to the Moose Fart Arena in Sturgeon Falls, Ontario, where the Celebrity Curling Charity Benefit is under way. There are two teams in this competition... Team Ice and Team Fire. [ show people as they are described ] Announcer: Team Ice consists of seventeen-time Canadian National curling champion Gordie Ropperchuk. His sweepers are both NHL hockey players: Darren McCarty, a Stanley Cup winner with the Red Wings, and Mike Grier, one of the best players on the Edmonton Oilers. Their charities are Hockey Fights Cancer and the Gordie's Kids Foundation, helping disadvantaged non-white youths in urban neighborhoods. Announcer: And Team Fire is led by pro wrestling star Mr. Rock. The Rock: [ shouting up to announcer from the ice ] That's The Rock to you, jabroni! Don't make me come up there! Announcer: Sorry... correction, The Rock. And his teammates are from the Canadian Paralympic curling championship team from the Salt Lake games, John and Dave Armsgone! [ John and Dave Armsgone are shown; their arms are missing, replaced with curling brooms. John waves his broom at the crowd ] [ the game starts; Gordie Ropperchuk glides along the ice, guiding the stone, while McCarty and Grier sweep the ice in front of the moving stone. The stone hits the mark dead on. ] Announcer: And Team Ice has scored a perfect 10! Right down the center, can you believe that? The Rock: [ to announcer ] Yo, shut up! The Rock is about to take that stone and piss all over it! I am the master of the curling arena, and I will open up a can full of curling whoop-ass! [ the crowd of 100 people cheers ] Announcer: It appears that The Rock has not taken a real liking to this announcer. Yes, I think he's now making a throat-slashing motion with his finger... oh, now he's pointing to me. Wonderful. Now Team Fire will have to counter with a perfect score. Hmm, now it looks like The Rock is having a small little huddle session with his two sweepers. [ cut to the huddle ] The Rock: OK, do you guys know what you're doing? John Armsgone: Yes, we're professionals here. Dave Armsgone: All you have to do is push the stone along the ice, and we'll use our prosthetic arm brooms to sweep the ice in front of it so the stone will move quicker! The Rock: Sounds simple. Heck, how tough could it be? It's curling, for God's sakes! Talk about a sport for pussies... John Armsgone: Come on now, Rock, we've gotta forget about how unmanly this is and win! The Rock: Let's do it! [ the Rock and the Armsgones walk out to center ] The Rock: [ shouting to workers ] I want a damn spotlight! [ the arena darkens; a spotlight shines down on Team Fire ] The Rock: [ shouting to crowd ] People have doubted my abilities in this sport for a long time. Primarily because they don't know how I'm going to do in a sport that's played by such pussies. But I swear to everything holy, I will lay the smack down on that Ice Team full of jabroni's! I'm going to bash this mofo stone so far up their asses, they won't know what hit em! [ crowd cheers ] The Rock: Hell yeah! [ walks over to Darren McCarty and Gordie Ropperchuk ] Do you smell what The Rock is curling? Huh? Darren McCarty: What the hell are you talking about, eh? The Rock: I'm talking about this arena, right here, right now, partner. You've gotta be strong enough and tough enough to succeed. If you don't, I'm gonna curl your ass right out of this one-horse country of yours. Darren McCarty: Well, go ahead and take your shot, if you're the supreme ruler of the curling arena, then prove it, eh! Mike Grier: Yeah, dude, you gotta prove yo'self, right now you're just fulla hot air. The Rock: You'd better shut your maple-eating trap of yours, you canuck jabroni! Mike Grier: But I'm American. I just play on a Canadian team in the NHL. The Rock: That's Canadian enough for me! I'll lay the smacketh down on any challenger! [ the crowd is starting to turn against The Rock; boos echo ] The Rock: [to the Armsgones] Let's do this, guys. [ The Rock lines up in the starting position behind the stone, and starts to slide it along the ice. John and Dave Armsgone sweep the ice in front of the stone as it moves. ] Announcer: Well, folks, the stone appears to be drifting off over 10 feet to the right of the center. The Rock: Dammit, it's gonna miss the mark! Dave Armsgone: Apply more force on the stone, we can sweep it to make it curve off to the left. [ The Rock suddenly stops the stone, picks it up over his head, and heaves it at the center. The stone breaks John Armsgone's broomstick in half. Some blood squirts out of the severed stump. ] John Armsgone: Gah! Not again... [ bleeds ] [ the stone smashes into the center, cracking the ice ] Announcer: [ now in wrestling announcer-mode ] Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Feel the power, baby! The Rock: Hell yeah. You jabroni's have now smelt what the hell The Rock is cooking. It's Canuck soup! [ the crowd boos ] Gordie Ropperchuk: Hey! You just ruined the beauty and grace of the sport! Darren McCarty: You're gonna pay now, eh. I brought a dear friend along who will set you straight. [ Bret "Hitman" Hart enters; the crowd goes wild ] Announcer: WHOA!!! A surprise appearance by Bret "The Hitman" Haaaarrt! Darren McCarty is good friends with this wrestling juggernaut... Hitman: [ getting right in The Rock's face] Hey! I heard you were talking smack about my main man Darren McCarty! The Rock: Wait a minute there, jabroni... you're not even in the WWF anymore! You had to retire since you got too many concussions! Hitman: Well, jabroni, this isn't the WWF here, now is it? It's a sissy curling match, and it looks like you're the sissy just for being here! [ The Rock and Hitman start wrestling each other ] Announcer: ... Rock pummels in, and... OHHHHHHHHH!!! A souflex! Unbelievable! [ Hitman takes one of the smaller curling stones and starts bashing the Rock with it ] Announcer: The Rock is really taking a beating now... [ suddenly, John and Dave Armsgone rush into the fight. Dave whacks Hitman over the head with the blunt end of his curling broom arm, while John stabs Hitman with the end of his severed broomstick ] Announcer: ... And Hitman is being obliterated by the Armsgones! This is complete and total chaos here in Sturgeon Falls! [ The Rock stands up, victorious ] [ a Paralympic curling referee with a peg-leg appears, raises The Rock's hand ] Announcer: And The Rock is crowned the champion of the Curling ring! The Rock: Now you smell what the Rock is curling! [ end sketch ] Rate or review this sketch. |
