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Wayne.....Chris Parnell Steve.....Jeff Richards Paul Mulwray.....The Rock Announcer: You're tuned in to the Hand Chopping Network. Now, more infomercials with Wayne and Steve. [ dissolve to Wayne and Steve standing behind a kitchen counter in front of a studio audience ] Wayne: Welcome back to the Hand Chopping Network! I'm Wayne, this is Steve, and for the next half-hour we're going to try to sell you our patented Hand Choppers! Steve: They slice, they dice, they're perfect for chopping off your hands! It's so easy, it's downright fun! Wayne: Now, before we begin our pitch, we received a little flak for our Easter special, when we demonstrated how our patented Hand Choppers can be used to create your very own lucky rabbit's foot. Steve: We just want to say, first of all, that absolutely no rabbits were harmed during our program. They are all alive and well, except for the little nubs where their paws and feet used to be. They hop a little funny, but come on, they're rabbits! People don't seem to have a problem with chopping off rabbits' heads to test lipstick, so don't give us a hard time about fashioning lucky feet. Wayne: Now, many of you have asked us, "Hey, Wayne and Steve, are the Hand Choppers just for use on hands, or can they be used on other materials?" Well, the fact is, our Hand Choppers can cut just about any material. What have you used them to cut through, Steve? Steve: Well, Wayne, with one quick chop, I've sliced through a brick, an old piece of pipe, a doorknob, and a Betamax VCR. Wayne: Interesting choice. But, tell me - was it in any way as satisifying as chopping a human hand? Steve: Not even close. Wayne: Well, there you have it! Steve: Some people may be wondering how our product differs from other products found on late night infomercials such as this one. Wayne: Oh, no comparison! Take a guy like Ron Popeil - an entrepreneur just trying to make a fast buck. We don't sell our Hand Choppers for the money, we'd be just as happy to give them away for free! Steve: That's right. And what about so-called remedy products like Leak-Ender 2000 and the Flat Hose? Absolute rip-offs! Neither product gets the job done right the first time, unlike our patented Hand Choppers. Wayne: And with the Hand Chopper, there's absolutely no pick-up, no clean-up, and it doesn't take up a lot of space! Now, let's demonstrate our patented Hand Choppers work, are you ready? We need a volunteer from the audience to come forward and help us out. Anyone? [ various audience members wave their hands eagerly ] Wayne: [ pointing to a tall gentleman ] Alright, sir, how about you. Just come on up. [ audience member Paul Mulwray runs onto the set, resting his hands upon the countertop ] Wayne: How do you do, sir. What's your name, and what do you do for a living? Paul Mulwray: My name's Paul Mulwray, and I'm a construction foreman. Wayne: Fabulous! And do you use a lot of knives in your line of work? Paul Mulwray: [ confused ] Uh.. no.. not really. We use tools more along the line of bulldozers and cement mixers. Steve: So what you're saying is that you don't do a lot of chopping? Paul Mulwray: No, not especially. Wayne: Paul, are you married? Do you have a wife, or a caretaker, someone to prepare your food, or do you do your own cooking? Paul Mulwray: I'm married, but my wife and I share the workload in household duties such as cooking. Wayne: Alright. And what kind of knives do you use in your kitchen? Paul Mulwray: We have a set of Ginsu. Steve: That's a nice knife. But it's nowhere as powerful as our patented Hand Choppers. Paul Mulwray: Is that right? Wayne: It certainly is. Allow us to demonstrate. Steve: Is everyone ready? On 3. Wayne & Steve: 1.. 2.. 3! [ on 3, Wayne and Steve raise their Hand Choppers, slam them towards the counter and lop off each of Paul's hands ] Paul Mulwray: [ screaming, as blood squirts from his cuffs ] Wayne: Well, there you have it, folks. One clean slice and his hands are off! [ holds up one of Paul's dismembered hands to show the audience ] Just admire the precision and accuracy of that slice, bone and flesh separated perfectly. No spillover or jagged edges. Steve: How many Hand Choppers would you care to buy, Paul? Paul Mulwray: None!! Wayne: None? Why not? Paul Mulwray: Why not??! You chopped off my hands!! I couldn't hold one if I wanted to!! Wayne: Well, the Hand Chopper also makes an ideal gift for Christmas, in case you want to get your shopping done a little early. Paul Mulwray: You chopped off my hands!! Wayne: Paul, you knew what you were getting into. It's called a Hand Chopper. It's specifically designed for chopping off hands. Paul Mulwray: I thought that meant it was durable enough to be held in the hand!! Wayne: [ chuckles heartily ] Good one, Paul. Steve: That wasn't too bad. Wayne: Hey, how about another volunteer from the audience to come up here and test out the amazing ability of our patented Hand Chopper? Anyone? [ once excited audience members frightenedly hide their hands under their seats ] Wayne: No one at all? Alright, well, we're going to roll our demo video of the Hand Chopper in action, and when we come back, celebrity guest Steve Landesburg. Steve: How about a couple bags of ice, Paul? No? [ Paul continues to jump about the set as his cuffs continue to squirt blood ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
