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Car Owner.....Dean Edwards Spokesman.....Chris Parnell [ we see a sports car in a parking lot that has a rather large splat of bird crap on the hood ] [ the owner walks up to his car ] Owner: Oh my God! What the hell is this? I just waxed this [ Bleep ] damn car! Mother [ Bleep ] it all! [ Spokesman walks up to car ] Spokesman: Bird crap. It can strike at any time, and is generally thought of as an eyesore. What a mess! Hi there, I'm Eddie Horsafocher, and boy, do I have a doozy of a new idea for you! [ to Owner ] Man, that crap looks horrible sitting there on your car. The acidity of that poop will fry the paint away! Owner: No kidding. I don't wanna have to wash this over again! Spokesman: Well, don't worry, because I'm gonna show you how to actually make good use of this. [ Spokesman hands a small box to Owner, who opens it up and pulls out a little red bucket with the picture of a bird on it ] Owner: [ reading the label ] Bird-Based Air Fresheners? Spokesman: That's right, sir. Bird-Based Air Fresheners, the bucket that serves as an air freshener! Owner: Um... well how does it work? Spokesman: It's very simple. I'll show you how it works. All you have to do is scrape the bird residue off your car and into the bucket. [ does just that to the Owner's car ] Then you can just hang the bucket right under your rear view mirror, like so! [ hangs bucket from mirror ] There! Now your car will smell just as fresh as bird feces. Owner: Are you out of your mind?! Spokesman: Of course not! I mean, who doesn't love the invigorating smell of a bird's fecal remains, anyway? Owner: You're some sort of freak, man! Get away from my car! Spokesman: For best results, collect the ingredients when they are freshly laid. But that's not all! Each Bird-Based Air Freshener has the patented Aroma Magnifier technology that spreads that luscious aroma up to 50 feet in every direction from your car. [ briefly show a diagram of the car, with 50-foot radius shown on screen ] Owner: [ enraged, shouting ] And what does THAT do? Grrr...... Spokesman: The Aroma Magnifier allows other birds in the vicinity to locate your car quicker, giving you more supply for your bucket! [ Spokesman moves off camera, as a gigantic drop of bird crap splats down on the hood of the car ] Owner: What the [ Bleep ]?! [ a couple smaller pieces land ] Spokesman: [ chuckling ] I can't see why you'd be angry. You get more crap for your fresh-smelling Bird Based Air Freshener. [ takes a deep sniff ] Mmm, that great bird crap smell, now in your car. And don't worry about it when you find out that it's eroded the paint off your car completely. That great smell more than makes up for it! Owner: I've got a gun in the trunk of my car. You just continue doing your pitch while I get it out and blow your [ Bleep ] head off! Spokesman: [ chuckling even more ] Order today! [ show order details on screen ] Announcer: Order your Bird-Based Air Freshener for only $9.95 plus shipping and handling by calling the number on your screen or writing to Cale Horsafocher Enterprises, P.O. Box 632, South San Francisco, California, 94069. Sorry, no C.O.D's. [ a gunshot noise is heard off-screen as sketch ends ] Rate or review this sketch. |
