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Ebert...Will Ferrell Guy in parking lot...Alec Baldwin Gene Shalit..........Horatio Sanz Herbert, the "eccentric" guy....Jimmy Fallon [fade in to four men sitting side-by-side on a stage with videos of movies playing in the background. From left to right, it’s Ebert, Guy in the parking lot, Gene Shalit, and Herbert. Ebert starts us off.] Ebert: "Hello, I'm Ebert and welcome to the syndicated show, 'Summer movie preview.' Three different, yet worthy critics join me. By the way, my ever clever copy editors at the Chicago Sun-Times picked the show's name. Those are your clever headline writers everyone. Anyways, starting right next to me is The Guy in the parking lot." [camera pans to the parking lot guy and we see a greasy looking guy with slicked back hair and dirty jeans with a matching jean jacket.] Guy in Parking Lot: "Hi. I don't have a name. All the regulars at the North Side Parking Garage just call me "The Guy in the parking lot." *shrugs* Ebert: "Ok, next is Gene Shalit from NBC." Shalit: "Hello everyone! I can't wait for this summer! Unlike the last critic, [makes quotation marks with hands] I actually watch movies and comprehend them!" [waves; Guy in parking lot shrugs] Ebert: "Finally we have Herbert, who is an established independent film critic on the internet. Mind telling the audience your internet site?" [pan to Herbert...a stereotypical 'fruity' man] Herbert: "well Ebert I would, but on last year's 'Independent winter movie preview' I gave out the address and our guestbook read like...well, let's just say it was X-rated..." [pause] Ebert: "Ok then, let's discuss movies! One of the first summer movies coming out is Spiderman. This flick stars Toby McGuire and Kristen Dunst and arrives in theaters on May 3rd." [pause] Herbert: "Well I will say that after viewing the trailers, I see no drama at all. Where's the noir and the black and white. Seems like one star in my book." Guy in Parking Lot: "Hey Herb, it’s a friggin' cartoon character. This ain't some artsy film like Titanic." [everyone laughs except for the parking lot guy; he shrugs] Shalit: "You see Spiderman, is a comic book character that..."[he pulls out a drawing board, but Ebert quickly stops him] Ebert: "Shalit, we got kicked off of TBS late night after you made some drawings. You want us to get pulled from the 4:30AM slot on WGN?!" Shalit: [frowns] "Ok, I'm sorry. Spiderman looks fine I guess..." Ebert: "As for me, who knows? Read my review May 3rd in the Chicago Sun-Times to find out. Moving on..." Guy in Parking Lot: "Hey man, if we have to give our stinkin' opinions on these movies, why can't you? I mean, I pay $8 bucks for these things twice a year." Ebert: "I am an esteemed writer, you know, with the 'thumbs?' By the way, who picked you anyways?" Guy in Parking Lot: "I think I undercharged the producer by accident. Who knew they could be so chea..." Ebert: [cuts him off] "Okay, okay. Let's get to the real big one, Star Wars Episode II. Let's go back to you Herb." Herbert: [looking ticked off] "Its Herbert...okay? Anyways, this sequel is supposed to be the love story. Wow, George Lucas doing a love story? I bet his work would match Mark DiCarlissmo's skill in, 'A rose for a love: part five' [rolls eyes] Guy in Parking Lot: "Hey, wasn't that some movie on NBC with that Judge Reinhold guy in it?" Herbert: "Do you want me to vomit now or later. Seriously, my IQ level is dropping sitting just seven feet away from this guy. Ugh." [Guy shrugs] Ebert: "Uh...Gene, your thoughts? [pause] Ebert: Uh, Gene?] Shalit: "Hehe. Here is Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber!" [shows picture of a long rod in a provocotive place] Ebert: [enraged] "You want to get us kicked off USA and Discovery Channel too?! My god, how does NBC put up with this stuff?" Shalit: "Matt Lauer says he can't do the 'Today' show without my drawing, hehe." Ebert: Well folks, if you want real opinions on movies, read the Chicago Sun-Times for my two thumbs up award. If no summer movie gets that, then, well...I'll be back here during the fall and shoot myself. Good morning everyone, I am Ebert." [fade out with Shalit drawing something else, Parking lot guy falling asleep, and Herbert leaving the set.] Rate or review this sketch. |
