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Daniel Webster...The Rock Judge...Chris Parnell Mr. Scratch...Seth Meyers Scratch's Lawyer...Jeff Richards Sarah Moore...Ana Gastyer Old Joe...Dean Edwards Maggie Westchester...Tina Fey Ulysses S. Grant...Will Ferell ...Jimmy Fallon (Open on a courtroom in the 1800's. Daniel Webster is chatting with the judge) Daniel Webster: I feel so confident that in the end, we're gonna get Mr. Scratch to go back to his lair of lost souls. Judge: Well, we better get started with our witness selection. Can you believe Mr. Scratch wanted a jury of the damned? Well, we'll show him with our jury. Send in the first potential juror. (Scratch and his lawyer enter in) Scratch: Hello, Danny. Daniel Webster: Hello, Mr. Scratch. I hope that you'll understand that in the end, I will beat you in this case. Scratch: Sure you will, and Sarah Moore's hair'll grow back. (Sarah Moore enters in, completely bald) Sarah: Hey, I resent that! Judge: Ms. Moore, please take the stand, and put on your bonnet. Scratch's Lawyer: Now, Ms. Moore, to make sure you have no biases in this case, do you know Mr. Scratch? Sarah: No sir, I don't know him... (Scratch glares demonicly at Sarah) Sarah: Wait a minute. I think I met him at my cousin's wedding. Daniel Webster: Objection. (to Judge) Mr. Scratch is clearly trying to manipulate the potential jurors into stating they know him so nobody in town can testify against him. Scratch: Oh yeah, like I could do that. Scratch's Lawyer: My client is innocent of such acts! Judge: Sustained. Send in the next potential juror. (Old Joe hobbles in. Immeadiately after seing Joe, he leaps up and screams in terror) Old Joe: I know that man! (Old Joe runs off, as Maggie Winchester walks into the courtroom) Daniel Webster: State your name, miss. Maggie: My name is Maggie Winchester (speaks thicker) No, I'm William Wenders. (voice becomes smaller) No, I'm little Pete Sanders. Oh dear, that man is giving me new personalities. (shakes wildly) I've come to kill you all! (runs up to Daniel, pushes him down, hops up and down, then jumps out of the courtroom window) Ah! Scratch: Well, I had to have a little fun. (Ulysses S. Grant enters in) Judge: My goodness, what the devil are you doing here, General Grant? Ulysses S. Grant: (hiccuping) Well, I always like to help a friend, especially one in need. How's it going there, Scratch? Scratch's Lawyer: (to Scratch) We're a shoo-in to win! (Jimmy Fallon enters in, oddly facing only his right side to the judge) Jimmy Fallon: I've come to testify against Mr. Scratch. For he's made me like this (turns to face court, revealing a large metal pole stuck to his face) It's horrible. I can't even get an arranged marriage. Scratch: A little "corrective surgery" will help you, Jimmy. Judge: (pounding his gavel) Order! Order! Is there anybody out there who doesn't know Mr. Scratch! Daniel Webster: I guess I'm the only one! I'll be the whole jury. Scratch's Lawyer: Objection! Scratch: Relax. I'll kill his cattle later. (Scratch and his lawyer walk off, as Daniel realizes what he said) Daniel Webster: Mr. Scratch! Come Back! (Chases after them, as Judge notices Jimmy Fallon) Judge: (pulls off Falon's pole) Here. All better now. Jimmy Fallon: Thanks. (They Kiss) Jimmy Fallon: We'll be right back. Ulysses S. Grant: And I'm gonna get drunk! Rate or review this sketch. |
