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Edgar.....Will Ferrell Rudi.....Horatio Sanz Prostitute.....Kirsten Dunst [Scene: Begins with a Fox Broadcasting screen. Cut to a messy apartment. The kitchen and living room are visible in wide shot. Edgar and Rudi sit beside one another, in the dining area, on a table. Camera zooms to tighter shot of the two.] Edgar: Hello and welcome to all our English speaking friends around the world who wish they were here right now with us, live from Amsterdam! Rudi: It's Go Dutch! [Cue 'Go Dutch' theme song. Text in weird font that reads 'Go Dutch' is overlayed across the screen.] Edgar: I guess Gary in graphics is doing some experimenting. Rudi: Yeah, that explains why the logo is all messed up. [mimics stabbing himself in arm with syringe, then sticks out tongue and rolls his eyes.] Heh ha. Edgar: Hey, anything goes here. Oh, I want to say a special hello to our new viewers in the puritanical abyss that is the USA! Rudi: Oh yeah baby. Get ready to expand your minds! [makes exaggerated 'head expanding' motions with hands and arms.] Edgar: That is for sure! I mean we're here in freakin' Amsterdam where anything goes. I could pick up a phone to order a pizza AND a hooker! And I think I'll do that. [Edgar dials phone.] Rudi: Oh gee...I think he probably just red, white and blue your mind! Heh ha. Oh yeah and if they're not here in 15 minutes, you get a freebie! We call it playing the sluts. Here's a tip. Order a fat whore. Your odds of winning a free one just got a whole lot better. Heh ha. Expand your mind. Edgar: You like pepperoni and blondes right? Rudi: Can't go wrong with that order. I'll add the sausage when they get here. Heh ha. Edgar: I think we're out of sausage. Rudi: [serious] Oh damn. Then better make it pepperoni and sausage. Edgar: [hangs up phone] Alright, while we wait why don't you tell the viewers about your weekend? Rudi: Oh, it wasn't that great. Edgar: Ah c'mon man. I'm sure our buzz fearing Amercian cousins would be especially interested in this. Rudi here spent the weekend with, N'sync boy, Joey Fatone. I heard you guys went south and hit all the beaches. [into the camera] I'm talking topless beaches America, and man, you must have scored like crazy. I'll bet you were drowning in groupie runoff man! Rudi: Well, not really. Edgar: Huh? What gives? Rudi: Well, the dude may be a hot sex symbol in his videos, but I tell ya, he's one fat hairy son of a bitch in a speedo. [Doorbell rings. Edgar and Rudi walk over to the door. Edgar opens the door to reveal Prostitute holding a pizza.] Edgar: Wow that was fast. [takes pizza] Oh, they're both hot. Rudi: [arm around prostitute.] And I think this one's just warming up! [jiggles prostitute with hand on her waist.] [Edgar and Rudi quickly turn their attention to the pizza. They bring it to the table and begin eating it, ignoring the prostitute.] Prostitute: Uhh guys, what about me? Edgar: Make yourself comfortable. Want some pizza? Rudi: Mmm this is soo good. Prostitute: No thanks. Uhhh do you want me to take my top off or something. Rudi: [thinks for a moment.] Suit yourself. [Prostitute begins to remove top.] Edgar: [walking over to her.] Hey wait! Did you bedazzle that yourself? Prostitute: Yeah. Thanks for noticing. It's a heart. Edgar: Cool. Hey, keep it on. I like it. Rudi: Wow, you think you can teach me how to be a master bedazzler like you? Prostitute: I don't see why not. Rudi: Cool...I'll go get mine and...oh hey, the show. [nudging his friend and who is engrossed in the activity of eating pizza.] Edgar. Edgar: [Looks at Rudi then into camera] Oh yeah. Well, I guess now it's time to pull something out of the video vault. [walks over to the TV.] We're gonna watch some real deal Amsterdam anything goes video. [Rudi and prostitute sit down on couch which faces camera. Back of TV is seen in shot.] Let's see now, what do we have here to shock our uptight American audience with. Hmmm, we got Dial M for Masochism, Not Another Snuff Film, 7 Brides For 700 Brothers, Britney Live from Las Vegas...Huh, what? How did this get in here? [Rudi is smiling.] Edgar: Rudi? Rudi: Happy Birthday! Edgar: [They hug] Oh you shouldn't have. I love it! I am so happy right now. Hey, my cousin from Michigan sent me some wicked weed I've never gotten around to smoking. Why don't we show everyone watching, especially those in 'Just Say No to Drugs Land', how they do it here, live in Amsterdam, Holland! What do you say? Rudi: Well, I actually have kind of a nice natural high going right now, so if it's all the same to you, I'd rather just watch [excited] Britney Live from Las Vegas. Prostitute: I would like that too. I love the Britney Spears. Edgar: Alright then. Well I guess we're gonna cut today's show a bit short. Goodnight from me, Rudi and the blonde whore. Remember to come see us if you're in the neighborhood. This place will blow your mind! [Rudi makes head expanding head gesture again. ] [Cue 'Go Dutch' theme. Edgar puts DVD in player. The three sit on the couch with prostitute sitting in the middle. They put their arms on each others shoulders and begin to sway back and forth while gently mouthing the lyrics to 'Not a girl. Not yet a woman.'. 'Go Dutch' graphic is overlayed on screen, crooked and upside down.] [Fade out to 'Roxanne' from the Police.] Rate or review this sketch. |
