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Jeff... Jimmy Fallon Tammy... Kirsten Dunst [Opens with an exterior shot of a fancy restaurant. A sign on the exterior reads "Buccino's". We go inside to see a man sitting at a table. A beautiful woman approaches and sits down at the same table.] Tammy: Hi, you must be Jeff. I'm Tammy. Jeff: Hi Tammy. [He stands up and shakes her hand] Nice to meet you. Tammy: Sorry I'm a little late. I was in a photo shoot all day, and you know how things go. Jeff: No problem, whatsoever. So you're a model? Tammy: Well, I'm also a grad student, in pre-law. I take the bar next month and it's been a little hectic recently with my modeling. Oh, but you don't want to hear about me. I understand that you're a programmer? Jeff: I'm actually a DBA. I'm responsible for extracting a multi-platform system into a large tri-scale data warehouse on a daily basis, as well as writing queries and other administrative duties. We use a VMS system and a large ethernet networking system which serves over 100 dynamic terminals. Tammy: [not following] Uh, that's nice. You must be very smart. Jeff: Yeah, I know everything. I'm like Threepio. Tammy: [confused] Like who? Jeff: [incredulous] Like Threepio. C-3PO? Tammy: Oh, you mean that guy from Star Wars? That gold robot guy? Jeff: [paternally] He's actually not a guy at all. C-3PO is a Cybot Galactica human-cyborg relations droid. You would know him more as a protocol droid, which was his primary function. And he's not all gold, part of his right leg is silver. Tammy: [a bit put off] Oh,okay. [smiles] So, is the food good here? Jeff: It's pretty good. It's a lot better than the food that Yoda tried to feed Luke during their first meeting in Dagobah. [He chuckles at his own joke] Tammy: [confused] Yeah, I guess that would be pretty bad. [trying to change the subject] Hey, I like your tie. Who is that on it? [looking closer] Is that Jesus? Jeff: [snorts] No, it's not Jesus. [He pulls his tie above the table to show her] It's Qui-Gonn Jinn. He's actually kind of like Jesus. Tammy: Oh, was he in Star Wars too? Jeff: [annoyed] No, he was in the Phantom Menace. Tammy: [confused] Isn't that the same as Star Wars? Jeff: [angry] NO! They are different things! Tammy: Listen, you don't have to get angry. I'm just asking a question. Jeff: Star Wars is the name of the series! The Phantom Menace was just episode one! OF THE SERIES! [He looks like he is about to cry] Tammy: [confused] Wait a minute, I thought Star Wars was part one? Jeff: NO! That was a New Hope! And that was part FOUR! [He angrily slams his fist down on the table] DAMNIT! [silence for a few seconds as they stare at each other] Tammy: [changing the subject] So do you like being a programmer? Jeff: I can't believe you don't know who Qui-Gonn Jinn is. Tammy: Oh, you mean that Jesus guy? Jeff: [very seriously] He's more than just Jesus, Tammy. Qui-Gonn Jinn was a master jedi, second only to Yoda and the high council of Jedi masters. He was a good man. He... he... [he starts to cry] he was killed by Darth Maul. It was [he has to pause to collect himself] it was a hard time for me. [He lays his head down on the table and sobs quietly.] [Tammy looks around, seeing if anyone is watching them. She pats his hand, trying to reassure him] Tammy: [humoring him] There, there. It's okay. I'm sure Qui-Gonn would be happy knowing that you remembered him. Jeff: [looking up, with red, teary eyes] You think? [speaking to his tie] Qui-Gonn, I want to know that you will always stay with me. I will always wear a piece of you somewhere on me, you will not be forgotten, good Jedi master. [He wipes his eyes] Tammy: So... [awkward pause] What do you like to do for fun? Jeff: Well, I like to program. And I play computer games. And I watch Star Wars movies. That's it. Tammy: Wow, that sounds... uh... fun. Do you like to travel? Jeff: Well, sometimes I like to pretend I am in a galaxy far, far away. When I watch the Star Wars movies, I can pretend that I am a fighter pilot in the Coruscant system, or a jedi on the ice planet of Hoth. And sometimes, I like to freeze frame a picture of Queen Amidala on the DVD player and pleasure myself to it. Tammy: [offended] Oh..kay... Jeff, I think I have to be going now. It's getting awfully late. I have early classes tomorrow. Jeff: But we haven't even eaten yet! Can you please stay a little longer?? Tammy: I'll stay for one drink. Then I have to go, okay? Jeff: Then we'll go back to my home port and you can "pet my wookie." Tammy: Um... let's just start with drinks for now. [30-second awkward silence between them as they sip water] Jeff: [finally breaking the silence] Hey, what do you think of the new movie? Tammy: You mean Spider-Man? I heard it's pretty good. Kirsten Dunst is supposed to be amazing. Jeff: [eyes boggling] Spider Man? Spider Man?? No, not Spider Man! I mean Attack of the Clones! Tammy: Um, I don't think I've heard of that one. Who is in it? Jeff: [incredulous] They're ALL in it! Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Queen Amidala, Yoda, Jar Jar Binks... Tammy: [smiling] Oh, Jar Jar. I know him. My nephew has a Jar Jar puppet, it's so cute. Jeff: [very quietly] You like Jar Jar? Tammy: Sure. [smiles] He's adorable. Do you like him? Jeff: [looking at his watch] Tammy, I have to go now. I just realized I have to be at work early tomorrow. Thanks for the drink, it's been fun. [He stands to leave] Tammy: [shocked] Wait a minute! That's my line, you can't use my line. You can't dump ME! Jeff: I'm sorry Tammy, this just isn't going to work. Sorry, babe, you just aren't my type. [He gathers his things and starts to walk away] Tammy: [angry] Wait a second, I had to sit here and listen to your stupid Star Wars stories, and now YOU are dumping ME?? I'm a model, you retard, if anyone should do the dumping it is ME. [He ignores her so she goes for the jugular] Okay, forget you. Qui-Gonn Jinn is a loser and so are you. [Jeff stops. His back is to her. He starts to clench and unclench his fists, angrily.] Jeff: What did you say? Tammy: [defiant] I said you and Qui-Gonn are a pair of raging homos. [Jeff turns to face her. He pulls a small Qui-Gonn Jinn action figure out of his pocket and has a conversation with it.] Jeff: Master Jedi, do not listen to her. She is not a true believer in the Force. Your strength and male virility are legendary throughout the galaxy. Qui-Gonn: [Jeff provides the voice. He also moves the doll's arms as it speaks] Young Jedi Jeff, you have much to learn about the ways of women. But trust in me, I shall show you the way. Bring her to me, I shall show her the ways of love. Jeff: I will do as you wish, my lord. [He points towards Tammy, trying to summon her.] Come to me, Tammy. Lord Qui-Gonn wishes to mate with you this evening. [He looks up, but Tammy has long since fled the restaurant] Jeff: Oh well. Maybe next time. Come, let us dine, master. [he places the Qui-Gonn figure next to Tammy's plate and starts to have a conversation with it.] So, tell me again about the Clone Wars, master Jedi? [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
