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Judge McClarkland...Dean Edwards Conrad Thorpe...Darrell Hammond Liz Van Allen...Kirsten Dunst Bailiff...Maya Rudolph (open on a TV courtroom setting, as Conrad and Liz enter) Announcer: This is the courtroom of Judge McClarkland, a tough judge, for tough cases. If you aren't satisfied with your law, then neither is he. He goes only by his law, the law of... (logo appears on screen) JUDGE McCLARKLAND! (focuses on Conrad) This is the plantiff, Conrad Thorpe, 82 years old and retired. He claims that the defendant, Liz Van Allen, sold him a product that worsened his medical condition and required various severe medical operations. He's suing for $89,000, the cost of the medical bills. (focuses on Liz) This is the defendant, Liz Van Allen, 17-year-old high school junior. She claims that it's not her fault that her product made him sick, and that she was simply selling candy for her school and he purchased some on his own free will. Plus, because he's a diabetic, his medical problems are his own fault. She's accused of selling a dangerous product. Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge McClarkland. (litigants are sworn in, McClarkland enters) Judge McClarkland: You may be seated. Case #453-Y, the case of the killer candy, is now in session. (bangs gavel) Mr. Conrad Thorpe, what is your case? Liz: Your honor, this is ridiculous! I mean, like, he has no case! Judge McClarkland: Stifle it, young lady! I said Mr. Conrad Thorpe, not Ms. teenage corporate blabbermouth tool! Now, is your name Conrad Thorpe? I don't think so! You talk when I tell you to talk! Now Conrad, you tell your side about how big business has wrecked your life, before this young loudmouth butts in again. Conrad: Well your honor, I was sitting at home watching the TV, and I hear a knock at my door. She- Judge McClarkland: Now when you're talking about she, do you by any chance refer to the defendant, who follows company orders like a helpless sheep? Liz: (shocked) How could you say such a thing- Judge McClarkland: Shut it! (bangs gavel) I was talking to him, not you, him! Conrad, please continue. Conrad: Well, the defendant, this girl named Liz, asks me if I would like to buy some candy for her school, and I said yes I would. So I ask her if she has any caramel nut bars, which I really like, and I buy one. Judge McClarkland: And what happened after you bought the candy? Conrad: Well, naturally, I ate the candy bar. And because of my danged diabetes, I start to feel strange, I get really sick and go into a coma, where I wake up two months later on full life support- Liz: Come on, if you're diabetic, why did you eat the candy?! Judge McClarkland: Listen missy, he's doing the talking here! Bailiff: The defendant has a point. A diabetic shouldn't eat sugary candy bars- Judge McClarkland: Whoa! Whoa! Whoooa! Excuse me here, I'm the judge here, not you! Bailiff: Well, he should still answer the question. Judge: (upset) All right. Objection sustained. Why did you eat the candy even though you were diabetic? Conrad: Well, that's my point. Nobody told me that the candy was full of sugar, all I knew was that it has caramel, chocolate, and nuts. Liz: Well don't you know that caramel is melted sugar? Conrad: How am I supposed to know what's in it, with this damn Alzheimer's? I'm suing because she didn't tell me that there was sugar in it! Liz: Well you should have asked- Judge McClarkland: Order! (bangs gavel) Now you listen to me young lady, he presents a valid argument and you poison pushers have no right to interfere with it! Conrad, do you have the candy wrapper? (Conrad hands him the candy wrapper) Well, this certainly proves everything! There is no warning label on this candy! Bailiff, do you agree with me that this candy had no warning label on it? Bailiff: (Looks at the candy wrapper) There's no warning label, but- Judge McClarkland: Well there you have it then! No warnings! And you knew about it, didn't you, you corporate little liar! Liz: (shocked) Hey, that's not fair! Bailiff: Your honor, it says that there is a lot of sugar in this candy bar! Judge McClarkland: Where does it say that?! Bailiff: Right here, the nutrition label says that it has 42 grams of sugar. And the ingredients label says that it has glucose, sucrose, high fructose corn syrup- Judge McClarkland: Well, it doesn't specifically say sugar, now does it? No! Besides, an 82-year old man doesn't look like the kind of guy who can read it, right? Conrad: Yes, your honor. I couldn't really read it- Liz: Well, why didn't you ask me to read it or tell me that you were diabetic? Conrad: I though you knew that already, and I thought that there was something in there that didn't have sugar. Liz: Like what? I was also selling candles and greeting cards, but you specifically asked for candy. Conrad: And you didn't give me any sugar-free candy. Liz: You didn't ask for any- Judge McClarkland: Enough! Now, why did you give him the poisonous candy bar like a slave to the business? Liz: Well, I was trying to raise money for my school, and he bought and ate the candy without checking to see if the candy had sugar in it, your honor. Judge McClarkland: Oh, so it's his fault that the greedy corporate pigs put sugar in it, trying to hook little kids without caring about them? They don't care about rotten teeth, just their own damn wallets! Bailiff: She's right, your honor. Judge: Hold on there! Aren't you supposed to be impartial, rather than siding with the corporate pigs? Bailiff: But he didn't pay attention to his own health! Judge McClarkland: Big freaking deal! Now Conrad, what happened after you went into a coma? Conrad: Well, I woke up and found myself on life support. After much painful surgery I got out of the hospital six months later, and found myself with hospital bills totalling about 89 grand (hands judge McClarkland the hospital bills) and I didn't even get a refund on the candy because they said all sales were final. I really want my six bucks back! Judge McClarkland: Do you see what you've done? You sold him the candy that made him sick and cost him thousands of dollars and kept him from doing his job! Bailiff: Your honor, Conrad has been retired fron ten years. He doesn't have a job. Judge McClarkland: So, the candy still wrecked his life! And those corporate pigs finalized the sales so he couldn't get a refund! And that is just like them, once they've bled him dry, they turn him away! Liz: Your honor, the sales were final because the money was going to my school, and besides, he brought it upon himself- Judge McClarkland: Silence! One more word out of you and I'll make your sentence worse than I'm already making it! Now I'm ready to rule. I find in favor of the plantiff, who is awarded the full amount. Liz, I can't blame you since you're nothing more than a pawn of the faceless corporations, and since you're just a tool of the big business, the money will have to come out of the business that actually made the candy, even if they did donate it to the school! Liz: But you honor- Judge McClarkland: Stifle it! The manufacturer, Harmon-Lauder products are hereby forced to pay Conrad Thorpe no less than $89,000, plus court costs, plus they must refund the cost of the candy bar, and are officially required to put large warning labels on all of their candy, stating "Warning: This product contains sugar. Diabetics should not eat it, as it may cause sugar shock." But even if a diabetic does eat it and go into a coma, Harmon-Lauder is nonetheless reponsible, because they are still a greedy corporate bully! And you Liz, for being a tool of the business, following them as if they were some almighty God, are hereby forbidden from selling anything else for the rest of your life! And your school, Orangetown High School, is hereby ordered to refrain from participating in any sales programs, such as cake sales and raffles, for using students as pawns in their corporate game, giving in to business and putting a price on their students, filling the schools with ads, and other atrocities that put the corporate pigs in power! (bangs gavel) This ruling is final! Liz: Your honor, I feel that you are very biased and your ruling was unjust! Judge McClarkland: This is my courtroom, I make the decisions, not those business monsters! (bands gavel) Case dismissed! Bailiff, remove the defendant from the facilities! (bailiff grudgingly goes out with defendant, as Conrad looks on satisfied.) The court of Judge McClarkland is herby adjourned! (bangs gavel and leaves) (closing logo is shown on screen, fade out) Rate or review this sketch. |
