|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Announcer...Chris Parnell Girl #1...Kirsten Dunst Boy #1...Seth Meyers Girl #2...Amy Poehler Boy #2...Chris Kattan various other kids (opens on kids at park bench) Announcer: Hey kids, do you like burgers? Kids: Yes! Announcer: And do you like hot dogs? Kids: Yes! Announcer: And what are (meat products such as those described by announser are shown on screen) burgers, hot dogs, sausages, chicken nuggets, fishsticks, and other such foods made out of? Girl #1: Well, I don't know Boy #1: Don't be silly, they're made out of meat! Announcer: Of course! And would you like some meat right now? Girl #2: Why would we want meat? Announcer: To make all those foods you like, of course! And now you can make meat in your very own home with... (kids are tossed box containing MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT) Kids: MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT! Announcer: Yes, it's My very own meat packing plant, the cool new toy that lets you turn any animal into food! Boy #2: But we don't have any cows, or pigs, or chickens! Announcer: Who needs them? You can use any animal you want! Nobody cares what it is, as long as they can eat it! Girl #3: Really? Announcer: Sure! Nobody really knows what animals go into meat! Everytime you eat sausage or chicken nuggets, you could be eating rat meat or horse meat! Boy #3: Well, my apartment does get a lot of bugs. Girl #4: And there's a dead squirrel right outside our house down the street! Announcer: Hey, now you're catching on! (kids go home to play with MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT, roadkill, rodents, and insects in hand) Girl #5: What do we do now? Announcer: First, you load in the carcasses! Girl #1: But some of these animals aren't really dead! Announcer: Who cares? They'll be dead anyway! Girl #1: Well, okay! (the kids put in the various animal parts) Announcer: Then, you flip the pack-o-matic switch, which turns all of those animals into meat! (they do so and the machine does so that loud chopping and gringing noises are heard, and blood comes spewing out of the machine. Processed meat, oozing with blood and other fluids, comes out of the other end.) Boy #4: Now what do we do? It looks disgusting. Announcer: Hey, you don't call hamburgers and hot dogs disgusting, now do you? Girl #5: Well, no, but now that we see what it looks like, it's gross! Announcer: It doesn't have to be gross, now does it? All you have to do is cook it, and you've got dinner! And you can make more meat if it's not enough, just empty out the waste tray and start all over again! Girl #4: (pulls out waste tray, which is filled with blood) Hey, what happened to all the bones and intestines and other stuff? Announcer: It didn't just disappear, it's in the meat! Girl #4: You mean the meat is full of ground-up bones and intestines? Announcer: Of course! Isn't meat full of it? And that's good because it doesn't let any part of the animal go to waste! (the kids grind the meat and cook it in the kitchen) Boy #3: I wonder how it's going to taste. Girl #1: I don't feel too well, but I'm ready to cook some burgers! Boy #1: Maybe you have food poisoning from handling raw meat. By the way, how do you take care of raw meat? Announcer: Well, (stumped) that's for you to find out! And it won't matter when you're eating that delicious meat! (the kids are in the kitchen, eating the hamburgers that they made with the roadkill and insects. They don't like the taste) Boy #2: It doesn't taste right, but 9cheerful again) it's the best meat we ever made. Girl #2: It's the only meat we ever made, silly! Boy #2: Oh yeah. Well, we can always make more, thanks to my very own meat packing plant! (looks at MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT, as cat goes into the machine) Boy #1: (runs over to cat, pulling her away from the machine) Don't go in there Peaches! Girl #3: That was close! It's a good thing Peaches didn't go in there or else he would be dead meat-literally! (they all laugh hysterically) Boy #4: But even if he did, he might still taste better than what we've made! (they all laugh even harder) (product is shown onscreen) Announcer: My Very own meat-packing plant comes with all its parts, plus waste tray, storage containers, antibiotics and rubber gloves. 12 9-Volt batteries, cleanup kit and decontamination kit not included. Some assembly required. From Zypac, the makers of (shows other products) My Very Own Steel Mill, My Very Own Munitions Plant, and coming out this summer, My Very Own Nuclear Reactor. (fade out) Rate or review this sketch. |
