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ON SCREEN - The following is a paid presentation for Specialty Merchandise Corporation ANNOUNCER - OFF SCREEN - The following is a paid presentation for Specialty Merchandise Corporation. CUT TO - EXT - TV STATION - DAY CUT TO - INT - TV EDITING ROOM Tom Bosley (the dad on Happy Days) and a young woman (early 30's) are seated, facing us. TOM BOSLEY - Hi, I'm Tom Bosley. You may remember me from the show "Happy Days"... NO-NAME HOST - (smiling nervously) ...And I'm a no-name host, but still a somebody. TOM BOSLEY - Welcome to the wonderful world of Specialty Merchandise Corporation, or as we like to call it, SMC. Those three initials have been around for longer than I can remember, haven't they little girl? NO-NAME HOST - Oh yes Tom, SMC's been in business for a very long time, in fact, quite a few years. TOM BOSLEY - Is that right? Golly, sounds like they've been making people rich for, I don't know, some time now? NO-NAME HOST - Well Tom, it's not just about the money. It's also about the security of owning your own business, freedom from the punchcard, and not having to wipe a boss' ass. You know, things along those lines. And SMC has stood for a lot of things to a lot of people, such as stupid miniature carvings, and in today's show you'll hear from some of them. We hope they'll inspire you to give us a try. TOM BOSLEY - Well, let's have a look. NO-NAME HOST - Okay Tom, let's put this show on the road! (laughs goofily) No-name host inserts a tape into a VCR. CUT TO - INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY A cowboy (late 30's) faces us (close up on face) COWBOY - Well, for me, SMC has stood for Smalls Man Can, cause....I've never been so smarts or went to any big schools of learnin. In facts, when I was a kid, I was diagnosed as "feeble minded". I went to a special school where everyone was a moron. Alls we did all day was play duck duck goose....(he pauses, a big grin comes to his face and his eyes "go googly", then back to normal).....I like duck duck goose. CUT TO - EXT - MALL PARKING LOT - DAY The Cowboy has a gift stand setup in the parking lot. He is showing a customer some of his merchandise. COWBOY - OFF SCREEN - Alls I do is run this gift stand on the weekend. It's so easy to makes money. You don't hafs to be a great salesman or nothin. (AMAZED) The stuff sells itself! Like, alls I sayz is you buy, you buy, like some crazy Mexican? You buy, you buy? (laughs) I like actin like a crazy Mexican. That's my secret to success. I actually likes what I do. CUT T0 - INT - TV CONTROL ROOM Back to Tom Bosley and No-name host. TOM BOSLEY - Well, isn't that wonderful! NO-NAME HOST - It sure is Tom. Not only does SMC stand for small man can, it could just as easily stand for stupid man can. TOM BOSLEY - I think it's safe to say that if he can do it, anyone can, but don't quote me on that. (laughs out loud) NO-NAME HOST - Exactly. Now Tom, let's tell people a little bit more about SMC. Here's your script. (she hands him a script to read) TOM BOSLEY - (not reading the script yet) Now remember people, I only endorse companies that hire me. And I'll stand firm on that, otherwise I wouldn't be here. Ok, I'm ready to begin....(he begins reading from his script) Located somewhere in California with a huge showroom full of gifts and such.... CUT TO - EXT - SMC HEAD QUARTERS TOM BOSLEY - OFF SCREEN - .....With over 3500 products, SMC is one of the world's biggest importers/exporters, dealing in fine had crafted carvings, among other things. (Looks up from script) You know, useless garbage you find in a giftshop. NO-NAME HOST - And SMC has big beautiful catalogues that illustrate every product that they carry. Lets have a look at what you'll find in one of these catalogs, quality products such as these two playful hand carved puppies.... ONSCREEN - TWO HAND CARVED PUPPIES NO-NAME HOST - OFFSCREEN - ...they retail for $9.50. Your cost for these adorable pups is only $3...that's over a 200 percent profit Tom! Another great product exclusively through SMC is this fake poo. ONSCREEN - A CLUMP OF FAKE POO CUT BACK TO TOM BOSLEY AND NO-NAME HOST TOM BOSLEY - (excited) Ooo! Fake poo! Does it smell? NO-NAME HOST - Yes Tom. Not only does it eminate a mild pungent odor, it stays continuosly moist but will not stain. This great money maker retails for $3.50. Your cost: $1.50. That's a $2 profit....I guess SMC can also stand for smell my crap. (laughs) TOM BOSLEY - Smell my crap...isn't that nice. Take a look at this. CUT TO - INT - LIVING ROOM OF A HOME - DAY A couple in their early 30's are sitting on their couch facing us. WIFE - We saw the SMC commercials on TV and thought, hey, we can sell this junk to our friends. As soon as we got our kit, we started hosting house parties and sold over $300 worth of merchandise the first time! HUSBAND - We just follow the manuals advice. If someone doesn't spend at least $40, we won't allow them to leave. But since we have to eventually let them go, we hit them up with a big guilt trip. We just say stuff like so and so spent over $100, why are you so cheap? WIFE - I like saying "we invite you into our home, feed you, entertain you, bend over backwards for you, but you still won't buy? What kind of friends are you? Why did you even come? You know we want you to buy." HUSBAND - It almost always works, though they never come back....but it's fun to do. WIFE - Yes, absolutely. Causing your friends to feel guilty and shameful, like little children....it's a real power trip. (nodding) HUSBAND - Tell them about your mothers friends from the old folks home. They're real easy to shame. I mean they'll put up with all kinds of abuse. WIFE - (to husband) But they never have any money. HUSBAND - Oh ya, your right (smacks his forehead) Time shifts to a little bit later on.... HUSBAND - I guess what SMC has stood for to us would be stale mouldy cheese. WIFE - (in agreement) Absolutely. CUT BACK TO NO-NAME HOST NO-NAME HOST - Stale moldy cheese....(dumbfounded)....I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but WOW, that's some powerful stuff! CUT TO TOM BOSLEY (STANDING) TOM BOSLEY - SMC can also stand for suck...my...caw...(he pauses in mid sentence, mouth wide open, holding his breath, he looks left, then right, then straight back into the camera)...CROTCH! (as he says crotch, he powerfully motions his hands towards his crotch). There is an awkward pause as No-name host just stares at Bosley for a few moments, quite shocked by what he just said. He slowly sits down. NO-NAME HOST - Tom, I think we should move on....I think we have another product to show. TOM BOSLEY - (agitated) Call me Mr. Cunningham! (she ignores him) NO-NAME HOST - Here we have this ornament thingee.... ONSCREEN NOW SHOWS A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT NO-NAME HOST - OFF SCREEN - ....little trinket or what not. You can stick it on your Christmas tree. Anyone can sell these trinkets. They're lovely! And it only cost's you $4 to purchase! Making a hefty profit off this item is assured Tom! BACK TO BOSLEY AND NO-NAME HOST TOM BOSLEY - How can SMC have such rock bottom prices you may ask? See this little wooden bunny? (he holds up it up) Hand carved by some freakin Mexican. All he wants is a little Tequila!....... SMC may also stand for stuffed my cat, but it doesn't. Take a look at this. ONSCREEN IS A JEWELRY CHEST NO-NAME HOST - Next we have this miniature jewelry chest. It can be used for almost anything such as storing old barbie doll outfits or as a jewelry box! (excited by the possibility's) FOCUS CAMERA ON BOSLEY, STANDING AGAIN, HOLDING UP A CRYSTAL BIRD TOM BOSLEY - See this crystal bird? He whips it against the wall, shattering it. FOCUS CAMERA ONTO NO-NAME HOST AS SHE CRINGES IN HER CHAIR WITH HER HANDS HELD OVER HER HEAD, COWERING IN FEAR FOCUS BACK ON BOSLEY TOM BOSLEY - (Angrily) Worth 7 bucks! But you could tell people it's worth a thousand dollars and they'd believe you! Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID! SMC stands for suckers mean cash. Suckers mean CASH people. Suckers mean cash. You'll remember that if you want to make any money. FOCUS ON NO-NAME HOST NO-NAME HOST - But SMC doesn't recommend that you do that. No, no, no, not at all. FOCUS BACK ONTO BOSLEY SHAKING HIS HEAD "NO" FOCUS BACK ONTO NO-NAME HOST NO-NAME HOST - We only recommend that you sell these beautiful birds for $88. Folks, that's an easy $86 profit! Just imagine selling 100 of them! FOCUS BACK ONTO BOTH OF THEM TOM BOSLEY - That's drug dealer money. NO-NAME HOST - (stunned) It's so easy, anyone can do it. TOM BOSLEY - Even a young black male with a criminal record, because SMC does not discriminate....(a long awkward pause) NO-NAME HOST - So whether young or old, educated or uneducated.... TOM BOSLEY - Black or white, Polish or Italian..... NO-NAME HOST - ambitious or just seeking part-time income, your dreams can come true with SMC. Thank you for having joined us. Goodnight. TOM BOSLEY - Night. Rate or review this sketch. |
