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Customer... Kirsten Dunst Vanilla Ice... Seth Myers MC Hammer... Dean Edwards Manager... Will Ferrell [Open on interior of a fast food burger chain. We are in "Smiley Burger." Ex-rap star Vanilla Ice works the counter.] Vanilla Ice: Yo, what up? Welcome to Smiley Burger. I'm Ice, can I take yo' order? Customer: Uh hi. Yeah, I'd like two Smiley Combos, with a side order of Happy Sauce. Vanilla Ice: [into a speaker] Yo, work me up two Combos, toss 'em down like a kangaroo, with some jacked up sauce on the side, yo. Customer: Excuse me, you look familar... do I know you? Vanilla Ice: Yup yup. You know me, baby. My style's like a chemical spill. Feasible rhymes you can vision and feel. Do you want ketchup with that, yo? Customer: Aren't you Kevin Bacon? Vanilla Ice: Aww, no, dog. I cook MC's like a pound of bacon. You know me, baby, I'm the Iceman. Flowing like a harpoon straight to your heart. Customer: You're Vanilla Ice? Vanilla Ice: Yup yup. If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it. Customer: Why are you working at Smiley Burger? Didn't you used to be an international singing sensation? Vanilla Ice: Y'll know I'm still a lyrical poet. But Ice has decided to take his career in a different direction now, baby. I still play the dope melodies, but I'm also down with the fast food industry, yo. I flip burgers so fast, other flippers say "damn," if customer service was a drug I'd sell it by the gram. Yup yup. Customer: Wow, I can't believe you're serving fast food. That's amazing. Can I get your autograph? Vanilla Ice: Sure thing, babe. [He pulls out a pen and signs her napkin] Hey, what say we go chill in my pad afterwards. Vanilla Ice is sellin' and I know that you'll be buyin'. Customer: Uh, no thanks. Can I just have my order, please? Vanilla Ice: Baby, you're so fine. Let's wine and dine. Customer: Please, just get my Smiley Combos. Vanilla Ice: [over the intercom] Yo, can Ice get his order up here? [MC Hammer walks up behind Vanilla Ice. He wears a Smiley Burger uniform, a paper hat, his patented Hammer Pants, and lots of gold chains. He dances up to the counter, holding a paper bag of food.] MC Hammer: [singing] Uh oh. Uh oh, Uh oh. Uh oh. Here comes the Combo. Uh oh. Uh oh, uh oh. Uh oh. Here comes the Combo. Customer: Oh my goodness, you're the Fresh Prince! MC Hammer: Nawww, baby, it's the Hammer. Comin' at ya, with some funky new lyrics, and two Smiley Combos. Yeahhhhhhh. Customer: Wow, two washed up rap stars working at the same burger joint! What are the odds? MC Hammer: Hey baby, I'm still dope on the floor and magic on the mic, you know? Wanna go back to Hammer's place tonight? You want to touch this? I'll let you touch this. Vanilla Ice: Homeboy, you screwed up the order! You forgot her side order of Smiley Sauce! I can't believe you, chump! You makin' Ice look bad! MC Hammer: [poking Ice in the chest] Stop buggin', man. Your dissin' hits me, so hard. Makes me say, oh my Lord. Vanilla Ice: Oh my God, homeboy, you probably eat spaghetti with a spoon! MC Hammer: Yo, sound the bell. School is in, sucka. [He throws a punch at Ice and misses.] Vanilla Ice: You just a zero, don't mess with the hero. Let's kick it! [He throws a punch and misses] [The manager hears the commotion and comes running over] Manager: Ice! Hammer! Break it up, you two! No fighting in front of the customers! [He forcibly separates them. They both glare at each other.] MC Hammer: [pointing at Ice] You better pray! Manager: Ma'am, I'm sorry. Is there a problem with your Smiley Combos? Customer: Oh, they're fine. But I am curious. Why do you have Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer working here? Manager: I actually have a bunch of failed rap stars working for me. They work cheap, and most of them need a job pretty bad. I hired the Sugarhill Gang back in '87, and since then have had a pretty steady source of workers. I got Kid and Play back there slicing pickles, and DJ Jazzy Jeff is working drive through today. They're all pretty good workers. Customer: Wow, I never thought ex-rap stars would thrive in the fast food industry. Manager: Yeah, the only problem is that they always gotta bring their posse with them to work. It's kind of annoying, having all the posses clog up the break room back there. But that's really the only drawback. Vanilla Ice: [proudly] Yeah, VIP posse, baby. MC DeShay, yeahhhh. Customer: Wow, that's so cool! [looks out the door] Well, sorry but I have to get this food out to my mom. She's waiting in the car. Manager: Okay, well you take care. Come back to Smiley Burger again soon! Vanilla Ice: [calling out to her as she leaves] See you later, baby. Word to your mother. [The manager turns back to them and pokes them in the chest] Manager: Listen, you two. No more squabbling. Will it ever stop? Vanilla Ice: Yo, I don't know. Manager: Grow up, or you'll be on bathroom detail with RUN-DMC. Ice, go fix the milkshake machine. And I don't want you back there making up funky lyrics, that thing needs to be fixed. [Ice leaves.] Manager: And Hammer, take off those ridiculous pants. Put on your regulation Smiley Pants. And then whip up a batch of fries. We need a fresh batch for the lunch rush. And this time... please Hammer, don't burn 'em. [Hammer grins] MC Hammer: Awwww yeahhhhhh. [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
