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Mary Jane.....Kirsten Dunst Spider-Man.....Chris Parnell Peter Parker.....Tobey Maguire [ open on interior, Mary Jane's bedroom, as she lays on blue satin-sheeted bed wearing red silk negligee ] Mary Jane: [ cooing ] Spider-Man, I'm ready for you. You can come out now. [ bathroom door opens, as Spider-Man emerges wearing silk heart boxers over costume ] Mary Jane: Ooohh.. those are sexy boxers. But I prefer you completely naked. [ Spider-Man hurriedly pulls off the boxers and drops them to the floor ] Mary Jane: I said completely naked, Spider-Man. [ Spider-Man flexes his muscles for show ] Mary Jane: You're leaving the costume on again? [ disappointed ] Well.. okay. But I'm telling you, I think your Spider-Man fetish is getting a little out of control, Peter. [ Spider-Man points to the open window ] Mary Jane: I know, I know.. you're on-call twenty-fours a day, you never know when the Green Goblin might strike.. but, still, you could take off the costume once in a while, couldn't you? [ Spider-Man starts to rub the nipple areas of his costume ] Mary Jane: Mmm.. but then again, that tight spandex costume does accentuate your bulges. Take me, Spider-Man.. take me now! [ arches her back and raise one leg in the air ] [ Spider-Man crawls across the bed on all fours, steathily, like a spider ] Mary Jane: Oh, baby.. use your webbing to bind my wrists to the bedpost again - just like you did last night! [ raises her wrists to the bedpost ] [ Spider-Man shoots his webbing from his wrist and binds Mary Jane's wrists to the bedpost ] Mary Jane: Oh, that's what I like.. bite my neck, Spidey.. [ Spider-Man attempts to bite Mary Jane's neck, but he can't poke his teeth through the costume, and can only rub his face along her neck ] Mary Jane: Oh, yeah.. right there.. [ Spider-Man raises himself, then bends over to pull down a zipper covering his crotch area ] Mary Jane: Mmm.. yeah. I wish I was a spider-woman, because that's one fly I'd definitely want to catch in my web! Don't tease me any longer, Spidey. Slip that monstrous bug in me. [ complying with Mary Jane's wishes, Spider-Man leans back down and begins to give it to her hard and fast ] Mary Jane: [ ecstatic ] Oh, Spidey..! Oh, Spidey..! Oh, Spidey..! [ suddenly, the bedroom door opens - in walks Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker, whose eyes widen to the sight before him ] Peter Parker: Mary Jane!! Mary Jane: [ does a double-take ] Peter!! [ fake Spider-Man quickly zips up his crotch and hops off the bed ] Peter Parker: [ outraged ] Hey, you! Get back here! [ Peter grabs a newspaper, rolls it up, and starts smacking the fake Spider-Man across the head ] Spider-Man: Oh, what a tangled web I weave! [ starts laughing insanely, like the Cocoa Puffs bird, then hops out of the window ] Peter Parker: Who was that guy?!! Mary Jane: [ shaking ] I don't know, Peter! I thought it was you! Peter Parker: Why would I do it in costume? If I want to role-play, I'll come to bed dressed as Superman - you know that! Mary Jane: I'm sorry, Peter, I should have realized that wasn't you. After all, you're clean-shaven down there, and he had these thick, prickly bristles - that should have been a tip-off! Peter Parker: I don't believe this.. I'm out there fighting crime day-to-day, and this joker takes advantage of my fame. Mary Jane: But he was so convincing, Peter. Peter Parker: [ unable to take it, sits down at foot of bed ] In what way, Mary Jane? How was he better than me?! Mary Jane: Well, Peter, he was just so good in bed - he was sensitive.. he was energetic.. he was.. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch. |
