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Matthew ... Chris Parnell Dr. Green ... Will Ferrell [Setting is a therapist's office] Matthew: Hello, Dr. Green. [Shaking his hand] Thanks a lot for agreeing to see me today. I know you don't take on a lot of new patients. Dr. Green: Oh, no problem whatsoever. Just relax and we'll get to know each other today. And let me know if you need anything, okay? Matthew: Do you want me to lie down on the couch over there? Dr. Green: Just do whatever you need to relax. If you need to lie down, then go right ahead. [Matthew lies down on the couch, and Dr. Green sits behind him in a chair.] Dr. Green: Now, I like to start with a process called "free association." Just talk about whatever comes to your mind. Anything at all. Matthew: Well, I've been having some sexual problems with my wife lately... Dr. Green: [interrupting] No, don't talk about that. Matthew: But I thought you said talk about anything I wanted to? Dr. Green: Yes, anything but sex stuff. I don't like hearing about that. Let's start somewhere else. Matthew: Uh... okay... well, I've had some issues with anxiety as well. I seem to be... Dr. Green: No, don't talk about that either. Talk about something interesting. Matthew: Excuse me? Dr. Green: Go on, just let the words come out. Matthew: Well... er, ah... I have had some work problems lately, and they are starting to cause issues at home. Dr. Green: That's good. Go on. Matthew: I was laid off from my job of twenty years last month, and I've found myself increasingly depressed around the house. I can't hold conversations with anyone, I find myself suicidal, and have taken up drinking. I find my life starting to slip away. It's like I'm drowning, and there's no one to help save me. I don't know how I can go on. Dr. Green: Dude, that sucks. Matthew: Uh... and the drinking is the worst part. I have no income and have started spending our savings on alcohol. And the terrible thing is, my family doesn't know I have lost my job. I am slowly destroying my family. Dr. Green: Ouch. Sucks to be you. Matthew: [looking up at the therapist] Excuse me? Dr. Green: I said, "Go on. Please keep talking." Matthew: And this all comes back to issues with my father. When I was growing up, I was abused, and my father never took responsibility for this. To this day, we still don't speak, and I find the guilt eating at my soul. Dr. Green: Dude, your life sucks. Matthew: Uh, doctor, can you please stop doing that? Dr. Green: Doing what? Matthew: Could you please stop commenting on my life? It's not helping. Dr. Green: I'm sorry, this is just what I do. Matthew: Make fun of your patients? Dr. Green: It's called listening. And observing. This is what they pay me for. Keep going, we're making some progress here. Matthew: Well, I've also found myself increasingly curious about my wife's clothing. I find myself wanting to wear it when she isn't around. [Dr. Green starts to snicker] Matthew: [looking up angrily] Are you laughing?? Dr. Green: [trying to hide his smile with his hand] Oh, no, go ahead. I was just coughing. Matthew: Sometimes I think I was born a female, and think I am living a lie. But I need to dress up in women's clothing to know for sure. Dr. Green: Dude, that's f'd up. Matthew: Doctor, I find your comments to be incredibly insensitive. Could you PLEASE stop it! Dr. Green: Listen, I'm the doctor, and I know what I am doing. Please don't be offended by my observations, this is just my way of thinking out loud. I'm trying to get at the root of your problems. Matthew: Do you think the root has something to do with not knowing my true self? Dr. Green: No, it has more to do with the fact that your life sucks. Hard. Matthew: Okay, that's it! Stop it! Dr. Green: Hey, don't be mad at me. I'm not the one sucking it up on my couch over there. Your life is like a tornado, sucking up everything around you. Matthew: [sarcastic] Thanks, that's a big help. Don't you have any insight to share with me? Something SCIENTIFIC? Dr. Green: Well, I HAVE come to one scientific conclusion. I have concluded that your life thus far equals a big steaming pile of monkey shi'ite. Matthew: [hurt] Hey! Dr. Green: I know, sometimes the truth hurts. But we in the scientific community know that sometimes a good dose of reality is all the patient needs. It hurts, but it's a good hurt. Matthew: Yes, it DOES hurt. Could you be a little more constructive, please? Dr. Green: Like you're one to talk about being constructive, Mr. Pantie-wearing pretty boy. You gonna put on something flowery this evening, or does the summer call for something sheeer and sexy? Matthew: [angry] Okay, that's IT! I'm leaving! You aren't even TRYING to help me! You don't know ANYTHING about therapy! Dr. Green: What, you think I have the answer to your little problems? Who do I look like, frickin' K-Pax? I'm just here to listen. And to point out the error in your ways. Like that haircut, for example. Matthew: Okay, now you are just being cruel. Dr. Green: Okay, let's get back to the sexual problems with your wife. Do you want to talk about those again? Matthew: We haven't talked about them YET! You said you didn't want to! Dr. Green: Well now I do. Matthew: [trying to relax] Okay... well, um... like I was saying, there is a great deal of... Dr. Green: [interrupting] I'm just messing with ya. I don't want to talk about your wife. Talk about something else. Matthew: DAMNIT! STOP THAT! [The phone rings. Dr. Green picks it up.] Dr. Green: Yellllllo. This is the Greenster. [pause] Yes, I can see you today. I just have to get rid of some dickhead patient first. [pause] Yeah, he's sitting here, fantasizing about wearing women's underwear. Fag. Matthew: [offended] Hey, I'm right HERE you know. Dr. Green: His name is Matthew. Matthew Henderson. Lives at 145 East Maple. You need his phone number too? Matthew: [pissed] Hey, this is supposed to be confidential! [Dr. Green hangs up the phone. He acts as if Matthew didn't hear the conversation.] Dr. Green: So, we were talking about your problems with anxiety? Matthew: No, we were talking about me leaving. You are the most UNPROFESSIONAL therapist I have ever been to! I hope you rot in hell! [He storms out and slams the door.] Dr. Green: Ahh, another patient cured. [He pulls out a file and writes "CURED" across the front of it in big black letters. Then he tosses the file in the trash, leans back in his chair and smiles contentedly. He is very proud of himself.] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
