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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey O.J. Simpson.....Dean Edwards Drew Carey.....Jeff Richards Mr.T.....Tracy Morgan Scientist.....Chris Parnell Assistant.....Maya Rudolph Dr. Carter.....Seth Meyers Dr. Corday.....Ana Gastyer Jay Sherman.....Jon Lovitz Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey." Jimmy Fallon: Good evening, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories...The Israeli army is searching for Palestinian gunmen who it says infiltrated the Jewish settlement of Adora near the West Bank town of Hebron and killed at least four Israeli settlers, including a 5-year-old girl. A spokesman for the Palestinians said, "Just 3 more, and we get a free 2 liter 'Pepsi'". Jimmy Fallon: It was announced this week, that the maximum punishment for actor Robert Blake would be Life in Prison. However, if a plea deal is made, Blake's worst punishment would be to perform a "Movie of the week" each week for life. Jimmy Fallon: Rival motorcycle gangs clashed in a southern Nevada casino early Saturday, leaving at least three people dead. Police say that the cause of the brawl was because of the fact that one of the bikers was "Hittin' on my baby's momma". Tina Fey: The attorney for Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel has asked a Connecticut judge to allow jurors to see a videotape which he says shows a former suspect confessing to the murder of Martha Moxley. Defense Attorney's say that On the videotape, we see a tall man dressed in a yellow outfit, beating Moxley with a blunt object in a room that has a large amount of books. Experts now say that Moxley's real killer is "Colonal Mustard in a Library with a Wrench". Jimmy Fallon: In france, a 95 year old man recently married a 96 year old woman. For their honeymoon, they will spend a week...walking out of the church. Tina Fey: As we mentioned earlier, The highest punishment that Robert Blake might recieve is Life in Prison. Here now to guide Mr. Blake through this ordeal is a guy who has been through the exact same thing...Mr. O.J. Simpson! O.J. Simpson: Thank you, Tina. I have a few words to say tonight to "Baretta" that I think might help him out. Number one, if you wanted to make a better escape, you should have driven a better car, roll the footage. (FOOTAGE OF BLAKE'S CHASE BEING SHOWN.) I mean let's face it, I saw the car that you were driving out of LA with. I think it's safe to say that you're better off using that hunk of junk as a toolbox! You didn't even get out of California, I got as far as Chicago, so score a point for me!... Tina Fey: ...Uh, Juice? I think you're missing the point. O.J. Simpson: I'm getting there, I'm just building up to it. Now number two, when the trial get's under way, it's important that you don't say a single thing for about... Oh, let's say a year. And that the only time you can speak, is in your closing statement when you try to milk the jury's sympathy. Slip them all a 20, and you should get the job done... Tina Fey: ...Mr. Simpson, this doesn't sound like helpful information... O.J. Simpson: (WITH A GRIN ON HIS FACE) Shut up, tina! (TINA HAS A LOOK OF SHOCK ON HER FACE) Now, the most important thing that you should do Mr. Blake, is get a good Lawyer. Unfortuantely, my "Dream team" is largely unavailable right now, but if you haven't used up your One phone call yet, I suggest calling up this great place called "I can't believe it's not a Lawyer". They might not be effective 85% of the time, but be happy that they're right 15% of the time, good luck buddy. Ha, ha, ha... Tina Fey: Listen, O.J.... O.J. Simpson: What, what do you want? (INCREASING ANGER) Do you think I should cool it down? Do you think I can't help a fellow citizen of Los Angeles by telling him what to do in a bad situation? I know what this is about... You think I did it, don't you? Tina Fey: Now C'mon O.J.... O.J. Simpson: DON'T YOU?!? Tina Fey: (FRIGHTENED) No, sir. O.J. Simpson: I didn't think so. It's bad enough that you people still think that I did it, (AS OJ IS TALKING, TINA SLOWLY REACHES UNDER HER DESK AND PULLS OUT A WHISTLE.) for you to not trust me is a crying shame... (TINA BLOWS WHISTLE) O.J. Simpson: (SNAPS OUT OF HIS ANGER) What's going on? I'm I going in? Tina Fey: That's right, strap on your helmet, and go long!(GIVE OJ A BUFFALLO BILLS HELMET, OJ GOES LONG.) That's right, keep going... A little more. (OJ FALLS THROUGH A TRAP DOOR) O.J. Simpson: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Tina Fey: OJ Simpson, everybody. Jimmy Fallon: This Just in, A free checking account does NOT mean that the checks you write are paid for by the bank. (HOLDS UP WRIST W/HANDCUFFS ON IT) I learned that the hard way. Tina Fey: Last week five couples from the U.S. were all married on a JetBlue "Honeymoon express" trip. Sadly after a mix up, a bride's emotional baggage ended up in Cleveland. (MUSIC: "CLEVELAND ROCKS") Jimmy Fallon: Oh, no Tina! you know what you just did? Tina Fey: Uh-oh! ("DREW CAREY" APPROACHES THE ANCHOR DESK.) Drew Carey: "OHIO"! (ECHOS) (RUNS OFF STAGE) Tina Fey: Scientist's revealed that an asteroid first spotted in 1950 has a 1 in 300 chance of striking Earth in the year 2880. The U.S. Government has developed a plan to stop the asteroid using tougher-than-nails Oil Rig workers and the charm of Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck. Tina Fey: A man from Pennsylvania, who won $16,000,000 in a 1988 lottery drawing, has lost it all through foolish spending, and has now field for bakrupcy. The man says that he couldn't understand how it happened since his stock portfolio was ballanced perfectly between ENRON stock and bets on the New York Knicks. Jimmy Fallon: Well, it's May sweeps. Which means that the networks are pulling all the stops to get ratings. Here now to give us a lowdown of the upcoming Sweeps events, is our own Critic Jay Sherman! Jay Sherman: Thank you, Jimmy! Now normally, I am a reviewer of most movies that I would never touch with a 10 foot pole. But since there's more to life than the movies, I figure I'll give TV a try. TV in May brings out the best in a cast, as well as reunite people from the great TV series of old. Our first offering is "The A-team reunion".It's a look at what the stars of the 80s hit are doing today... (CUT TO CLIP OF "A-TEAM REUNION") Mr. T: (Dressed in "Burger King" uniform) Fool, shut up! I pity the fool that doesn't order the "Chicken Whopper" without clucking! (To Himself) I Should have save more money! (BACK TO UPDATE) Jay Sherman: As you can see Jimmy, he hasn't changed a bit. And if you're wodering where the rest of the cast are... Well, let's just say that there are No cameras allowed where they are. Jimmy Fallon: Prison? Jay Sherman: Sewer, Their Workplace and home! Jimmy Fallon: Are there any good miniseries coming? Jay Sherman: Well, ABC has their hopes pinned on "Dinotopia", While FOX has "Attack of the overused cliche's"... (CUT TO CLIP OF "ATTACK...") Scientist: I have never seen anything like this before in my life... Assistant: What is it, Doctor? Scientist: Take a look for yourself. (ASSISTANT LOOKS OUTSIDE TO FIND CATS AND DOGS FALLING FROM THE SKY.) Assistant: Oh my God! It's... Scientist: That's right, it's "raining cats and dogs". And if you look over there... Assistant: Son of a Bitch! Pigs are flying! Scientist: Call the President, we're dealing with an attack from... KILLER CLICHE'S!!! (ECHOS) (BACK TO UPDATE) Jay Sherman: That's typical FOX entertainment for you. Jimmy Fallon: I see, now what about guest stars? Jay Sherman: Ah yes, guest stars. People who go one step lower on the fame ladder for a mere $1 Million. And there's plenty of them, A few weeks ago, we saw Michael Douglas on "Will and Grace", and Huey Lewis on "Just Shoot Me". Now we would like to present what has been the best kept secret in television...Until now. Take a look at this scene from "ER"... (CUT TO CLIP FROM "ER") Dr. Carter: (To himself) this may have been the most difficult patient I have ever dealt with. Dr. Corday: What's wrong with him? Dr. Carter: He's eaten too much movie theater popcorn, and now his arteries are petrifyed! (CUT TO SHOT OF "JAY SHERMAN" ON STRECHER) Jay Sherman: (MOANING) "It Stinks!" Popcorn and Yellow buttery substances don't mix! (PASSES OUT) Dr. Carter: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (BACK TO UPDATE) Jay Sherman: All in all, I think I should have reviewed TV a long time ago! Jimmy Fallon: Jay Sherman, the critic Ladies and Gentlemen... For "Weekend Update" I'm Jimmy Fallon... Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch. |
