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Male Wal-Mart Customer.....Will Ferrell Russ.....Seth Meyers Woman Customer.....Kirsten Dunst Joe.....Darrell Hammond Male Customer: (grabs cart, enters Wal-Mart) Wow, I haven’t been here in forever, it’s like coming home! Hmm, I wonder if ole Joe is still working here.(looking around curiously) hmm…That’s strange, no one to greet me by the door? (approaches stock boy) Male Customer: Hey Russ! Stocking up on the canned meats, eh? Russ: (turns around to customer with a blank look on his face and returns to stocking.) Male Customer: Okie Dokie…Catch ya later then. (pushes cart towards check out line, old friend Joe is ringing up a woman’s groceries, she has a carriage.) Joe: (to woman) Your baby looks exactly like you Woman Customer: Aww, thanks! Joe: It wasn’t a compliment Woman Customer: (hurt) Joe: Don’t worry, I’m sure his personality will more then make up for his unfortunate genetic structure. Woman Customer: Hey, I didn’t come here for you to insult my ugly baby!(realizing she called her own baby ugly) I mean….call my baby ugly…never mind…I’m outta here! (woman exits furiously) Male Customer: Hey Joe, long time no see! How’s the wife treatin’ ya? Joe: Shutup and scan your friggin card!(Ringing up items) (keeps scanning item, it wont ring up) Male Customer: Whoops, I guess that one doesn’t have a bar code, ha, musta slipped my eye. (awkward silence) Joe: Well don’t stand there like an ass, go get one with a bar code! Male Customer: Um, can’t you just get a price check? Joe: Well, I guess I could…but….NO! Male Customer: Alright Alright( gaining the stores attention) What the HELL has happened to this place?? Where’s the happy people from the commercial, the old men greeting you by the door…Where’s the roll back smiley face?? Huh??? WHERE’S THE SMILEY FACE???? (everyone is now staring, piano begins playing the theme from “Cheers”) Male Customer: (Breaking into song) "If you ever need a friend, or just a pan or pot, You can go to Wal-Mart, and see that friendly lot They’re rolling back prices every day Sometimes you wanna go… Where the folks are nice and taamme, And when you fart, they never blammmee You wanna go where you can see A clean bathroom facility You wanna go to your Wal-Mart family" (finishes song, looking warmly about the store, expecting the same reaction, but doesn’t get it. People return to what they are doing) Male Customer: What?? I sang for you people! Whatever man, you guys suck, I’m going to Kmart! Rate or review this sketch. |
