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Muhammad Ali.....Dean Edwards Mike Tyson.....Tracy Morgan Announcer.....Chris Parnell Announcer: Well, who would have thought five years ago when, then president, George W. Bush signed a bill allowing stem cell research that such research, along with unprecedented co-operation between American and Chinese scientists, would lead to the amazing medical miracles of today. We are here to celebrate the rewards of such achievement. We are live at Muhammad Ali's first press conference since being cured of Parkinson's disease. [Scene: Muhammad Ali is at a podium which sits on a table. There are people sitting on chairs on either side of him.] Ali: Hello everyone. Yes, I beat Parkinson's disease. I shook up the world!!! It was an ugly disease but I beat it. Not as ugly as Joe Frazier mind u but it was still ugly. Now, just like James Brown, I feel good! However, unlike James Brown, I also look good. Yes, all you good people can see I'm still pretty as ever. Now there will be no questions at this press conference. I'll tell you what you need to hear. First off, most of you know that I was cured about 2 months ago and as such many of you are wondering why I waited so long to hold this press conference. Well, let me tell you. For the last 2 months I have been making crazy acrobatic love to my beautiful wife Yolanda. I went 'around the world' so many times I swear time started running backwards. But this press conference hasn't anything to do with the past. This is about the future. Bring him on out. Bring him on out. [enter Mike Tyson] Mike Tyson: Hello Muhammad, I'm so happy I was invited to be here. It's an honor.[sits down] Ali: Hello Mike. Tell me Mike, are you not the WBC world heavyweight champion? Stop, don't say a word we can see that you are.[Mike Tyson holds up his belt.] One more thing. Are you not one ugly man? Don't answer that, we can see that you are. The reason I brought you here, was to challenge u, Iron Mike Tyson, to a fight for that title. Mike Tyson: Wait a second there, I was under the impression I was a guest here. Now you're coming on talking all this trash...I...I'm sorry Muhammad, I respect you but if you do not cease with this pugnacious attitude...I'm gonna have to eat your children. Ali: Eat my children? Sounds good to me. We'll go out, buy us one of them George Foreman grills and fry 'em all up. And for dessert, we can chow down on your kids. That's a damn fine idea. Then I can get to work making me some new kids. Mike Tyson: Uhh...no because if you get in the ring with me I'll[thinking hard]....I'll bite your ding-a-ling right off! Ali: You're gonna bite my ding-a-ling off? Mike, have u been having fantasies about sinking your teeth into my ding-a-ling? Now I don't blame you for thinking about my ding-a-ling. It's my fault. I'm too pretty. Do you think I'm pretty? Feel my skin Mike, isn't it smooth? Mike Tyson: It's so soft...like a woman. Ali: And look at this ass. In all your years in prison, did you ever come across an ass so fine. Mike Tyson: Hmm, no. Most of the asses I came across we're flabby and not very appealing at all. It's not like in the movies. Ali: Gay is okay Michael. I want you to know that. Mike Tyson: [whines] But I wasn't gay when I woke up this morning! Ali: Look Mike. Just give me the belt. C'mon now son, everybody already thinks you're gay, the last thing u need to be doing is carrying around a big flashy belt. C'mon. [Mike Tyson hands Ali his belt.] Ali: Hey, hey, look at me, sweet pretty Muhammad Ali, I've become the oldest WBC champion in history. I must still be the greatest. Mike Tyson: Wait a minute. You tricked me. [puts head down on table.] Ali: [ignoring Mike Tyson] But you say, what's next for the champ? Well, I'll tell you I have a score to settle with that Will Smith. In his song he wrote 'met Ali, he told me I was the greatest.'. In fact what I said was "You are the grayest." but the damn Parkinson's made it come out wrong. 'Grayest?' you may ask. Well I said he was the grayest cause he reminded me of an elephant with those big ears of his. He should have done a remake of the Elephant Man nevermind being the star of Ali. I wanted Denzel Washington to play me. I told my family "Denzel Washington." but they understood "Caramel Ice Cream." and brought me a bowl full of it. Damn that disease! This is how the Oscars way back then should have gone. [cupping his hands around his mouth as though talking out of a megaphone.] 'And the winner is Denzel Washington for Ali. Will Smith you can stick a feather up your nose and start flapping those big ears of yours cause it's time to fly yourself home to your skinny little wife.'. That's right so I'm gonna find Will Smith. Nevermind Men in Black IV, his next movie is gonna be Men in Black and Blue. [Becomes pensive, as though he just realized something.] Mike, are you a Muslim? Mike Tyson: Yes, yes I am. Ali: Have you ever thought about Christianity? What with you being gay and all, it seems you might fit in better there. Heck, u walk in there and they'll probably ordain you. What do you say? Mike Tyson: Well, first of all, while your fine buttocks and your soft sensual skin do make me feel like fornicating, I'm not completely convinced I'm gay. Secondly, gay or not, my religion needs me... Ali: Don't worry about Islam Mike. It's gonna be just fine. It's got me. Look in the sky, it's a butterfly, it's a bee, oh no no it isn't it's sweet sweet, pretty Muhammed Ali. I can't be stopped. I'm toooo pretty. [rubs butt in front of Mike Tyson.] Mike Tyson: Ohhhh...don't make me horny...u wouldn't like me when I'm horny...oh no...[close up of weird eyes. He falls down behind table. He gets up and with his clothes all tattered and sporting a male ballet dancer bulge.]...Mike Fornicate! [Mike Tyson stands up and starts 'hugging' Ali. Ali hits Tyson with belt until he knocks Tyson out. Ali waves to the crowd and walks away.] [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch. |
