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...Jimmy Fallon ...Tina Fey Johnny Carson...Dana Carvey ...Johnny Carson Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller center, this is "Weekend Update". With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: Good evening, I’m Jimmy Fallon Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories: As Israel appeared Sunday to step back from launching a military strike against Palestinians in the Gaza Strip, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon lost an important face-off with opponents within his own party. A distraught Sharon was then seen in a rather emotional state afterwards, and commented "It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to". Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy Carter arrived in Cuba Sunday, becoming the first U.S. president to break bread with Fidel Castro, archenemy of the United States for more than 40 years. With the exception of Fidel Castro, There were no survivors. Tina Fey: "Spider-Man" snared the box-office crown for the second consecutive weekend, spinning $200 million in record time, according to studio estimates. What’s the secret to the success, you might ask? MAAAGIC!!! (TWINKLING NOISES) Jimmy Fallon: Sanitation workers picked up a discarded couch on a South Bronx street Friday and discovered it had been stuffed with about $8 million worth of cocaine. Prompting Marion Barry to switch Dry cleaners immediately. Jimmy Fallon: A Florida family has been implanted with computer chips that researchers hope will someday become an easy way to provide ER doctors with patients' medical information, as well as determine the number of times they have rented "Dude, Where’s My Car"? Tina Fey: Joseph Bonanno, the notorious gangster known as "Joe Bananas" who ran one of the most powerful Mafia groups in the 1950s and '60s, has died at the age of 97. As part of a memorial service, twenty-one former mobsters-turned-squealers will be fitted with cement shoes, and will then dumped into the East River as part of the "21 Goon Salute". Jimmy Fallon: Rain stretched from the southern Plains to New England on Sunday into early Wednesday, with thunderstorms pouring rain on the upper Ohio Valley, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Pennsylvania and New York. Looks like somebody made god cry! (WAVES FINGER) Tina Fey: Blustery wind and hot weather could hamper firefighters battling a 3,200-acre wildfire that threatened dozens of cabins in the hills north of Los Angeles, a fire official said early Sunday. Experts say that the cause of this fire, (PICTURED: "THE HUMAN TORCH" FROM "FANTASTIC FOUR") Is Johnny Storm A.K.A. "The Human Torch. Jimmy Fallon: Iranian aircraft security guards overwhelmed a man who tried to hijack a plane with two homemade bombs strapped to his body. Unfortunately, the bombs never detonated due to the fact that the hijacker learned how to make these bombs from an episode of "Martha Stewart Living". Jimmy Fallon: This just in, Pepper spray has never been meant for food, and it never will be. (HACKING AND WHEEZING) Tina Fey: Well, on May 5th, NBC celebrated its 75th anniversary by having stars of past NBC shows reunite. However, there was one notably missing face from the lineup... Here now to explain the real reason why he didn’t show up, live via satellite from his home in California is the "undisputed king of late night", Johnny Carson! (SPLIT-SCREEN OF DANA CARVEY’S "JOHNNY" AND TINA) (APPLAUSE) (SUPER: VIA SATELITE: JOHNNY CARSON) Tina Fey: First of all, we would like to say how honored we are of having you here tonight. "Johnny": Thank you, Tina. It’s a little weird to be doing an interview on TV. Weird, wild stuff, but I’m OK about it. Tina Fey: Now Johnny, there was a lot of buzz over your recent interview with "Esquire Magazine", when you said that you would never appear on television again. Did you really mean that? "Johnny": Yes, this is true. I’ve had enough exposure in my life, and I kinda want to enjoy my free time. Tina Fey: OK, but why did you choose to do an interview on television tonight? "Johnny": Well Tina, since I’m at my home, I know that no one is watching me physically in person. It may seem a little weird, but I feel safer doing an interview this way. Tina Fey: All right, Now do you ever talk to Ed McMahon anymore? "Johnny": Well, in the words of Ed: "You are correct sir". Ha, ha. Yeah, I talk to Ed on a regular basis, that is to say unless he’s...(MAKES DRINKING GESTURE) Tina Fey: Same old Ed I guess, Now then, why did you miss out on the NBC anniversary show a few weeks ago? "Johnny": Well...(CAR PULLS UP, DOOR SLAMS) Tina Fey: What was that? "Johnny": Oh, nothing. Something must have fell over, Don’t worry about it. Now as I was saying, I don’t want to waste time sitting in an audience for three hours, reminiscing with Doc and Ed about the times we got drunk on the air. Don’t get me wrong, I love them both. It’s just that these reunion shows tend to get overdone, and I just don’t want to be a part of them. That, and I still owe Bill Cosby $50. Tina Fey: Johnny, in the "Esquire" interview it says you spend the better part of your time playing poker with some of your friends, Steve Martin, Ed, etcetera. How do you do against them? "Johnny": Ha, ha, ha. See where I’m sitting in Tina? All of this comes from 5 hands of poker alone, each worth $125,000 a piece. Tina Fey: Interesting; now it also says that you are learning Swahili. "Johnny": Yes, this is true. Tina Fey: Could you give us a few words? "Johnny": Sure, Anything to please a crowd. It's going to sound a little weird, a little wild, but enjoy it. (STARTS SPEAKING IN A COMPLEX FORM OF SWAHILLI, COMPLETE WITH "CLICKING". WHAT THE AUDIENCE DOESN’T KNOW, IS THAT THE CLICKING NOISES ARE ACTUALLY A DOOR BEING KNOCKED.) Tina Fey: Hey that’s pretty good, Especially those clicking noises. They sounded pretty powerful. "Johnny": Oh, those weren’t clicking noises there must be someone at my door. (SCREEN IS FULL) Let me see who it is...("JOHNNY" OPENS THE DOOR, BUT NOT REVEALING VISITOR.) Hi, can I help you sir? (THE REAL JOHNNY CARSON STEPS IN) Johnny Carson: Well, you can start by getting the hell out of my house! (THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE, STANDING OVATION IN THE AUDIENCE.) "Johnny": (LOOKING EMBARRASED) Well, I got to go Tina, apparently I’m not in the right house. I did not know that, I didn’t know I was in the wrong house. (WALKS OUT THE DOOR, BUT STILL STANDING IN THE DOORWAY) That is some weird, wild stuff... (THE REAL CARSON SLAMS THE DOOR IN THE FAKE CARSON’S FACE TO WILD CHEERS.) Johnny Carson: Sorry about that, back to you Tina. Tina Fey: (BOTH ANCHORS IN SHOCK AND AMAZED) Ladies and Gentlemen, the one and only Johnny Carson! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey... Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon... Together: Good night, and have a pleasant Summer! (MUSIC: "JOHNNY’S THEME") (FADE OUT) Rate or review this sketch. |
