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John Rocker.....Will Ferrell Teammate.....Dean Edwards Father.....Chris Parnell Heckler #1.....Seth Meyers Heckler #2.....Jimmy Fallon Beer Man.....Horatio Sanz [ scene opens in a baseball stadium, by the bullpen; a father and his son are sitting in the front row during batting practice ] Father: So, are you excited, son? Your first ball game! Kid: Yeah dad. These seats are pretty cool, you can see the pitchers throwing! Father: [ laughs ] They sure did cost an arm and a leg though. [ John Rocker walks to a bench after throwing some practice pitches, and sits down on a bench right below the father and son ] Kid: Are you gonna get some hot dogs? Father: Sure, Timmy. What do you want on them? Kid: I don’t care, I just want a big long juicy one. [ John Rocker, overhearing the conversation, looks up at the kid with a weirded-out look on his face, then shakes his head ] Father: Alright, but don’t you want to watch the rest of the Rangers warm up? Kid: No, I just want to have me a long one. They look funny when they’re long. I could swallow the who-o-ole thing! [ John Rocker’s eyes suddenly get big, he looks up again, then mouths “what the F---!” ] Father: [ laughs ] Well, you’d have to have a really big mouth to swallow them both. [ Rocker makes a face, obviously disturbed by the conversation ] Kid: I have a bigger mouth than Kyle! Remember when we were at the barbeque? I was lucky enough to get a really big floppy one back then. Kyle said “I bet you couldn’t swallow that thing whole,” and then I said “I bet you couldn’t” [ John Rocker continues to shake his head, disturbed even more ] Kid: And then Kyle took that big one I had and put it in his mouth and he ate the whole thing. He might’ve choked on it because there was lots of mustard and mayo on it. Father: [ chuckling ] Oh, that Kyle... John Rocker: [ grossed out ] Aww, that’s it! [ Rocker stands up, intending to move away from the two; the kid recognizes him ] Kid: Oh my God, that’s John Rocker! [ Rocker stops, puts his head down, and covers his eyes in disbelief ] Father: Hey, Timmy, why don’t you ask him to sign those? Kid: Yeah! [ stands up out of his seat and leans over the railing ] Mr. Rocker! Mr. Rocker! [ Rocker rolls his eyes, then turns around ] Kid: Can you sign my balls, Mr. Rocker? John Rocker: [ gets that weirded-out expression on his face again, then shouts ] Oh my God, kid, are you some sort of queer? Holy crap! [ The kid starts crying immediately ] Father: [ standing up and shouting ] Hey, why’d you say that, huh? Shame on you! He only wanted your autograph! [ The kid holds up two baseballs and a Sharpie, his head down and still crying ] John Rocker: Oh my God... I’m sorry. Sorry... Father: You know, I thought you would have changed since you were on the Braves. I guess I thought wrong. [ John comes over and signs the kid’s baseballs ] John Rocker: Again, I’m terribly sorry, I can’t believe I said that myself. Here, kid. [ Rocker walks away from the two; a teammate catches up with him ] Teammate: Hey, Rock, what was that all about, man, you gotta watch yourself. John Rocker: I know, I know. I screwed up again. Dammit, it’s hard to ignore that kind of homoerotic stuff, man, it just weirds you out! Teammate: Come on, it was just a kid. He was innocent, man, talkin’ about a little league barbeque. He isn’t gay just because he said that. John Rocker: Man, I liked my life better when nobody knew I was a homophobe. Teammate: Aight, Rock, but you just be careful how you interpret words like that. John Rocker: You’re right, Jose. I’ll work on that. You got a game to pitch, man, go strike out all of those gay-ass Oakland A’s butt-pirates. Bunch of friggin’ queers. Teammate: Hey! Watch it, Rock, you don’t want trouble, right? John Rocker: Dammit, sorry. I won’t do that again today. I’ll betcha fifty bucks. Teammate: You’re on. [ later, during the sixth inning; show baseball footage ] TV Announcer: Well, it’s the bottom of the sixth and Jose Florendiento is really in a hole. The Rangers are down 13-0, Florendiento has walked the last seven Oakland batters, and Miguel Tejada is up to bat, he’s gone 4 for 4 today with three home runs. It looks like skipper Jerry Nerron is bringing in John Rocker from the bullpen ] [ cut back to the bullpen ] Bullpen Coach: Rocker, you got the call, man. John Rocker: All right! Time to kill me some of them ass-raping sons of ... [ stops ] Dammit, I almost did it again! Crap! Concentrate, John! [ echoing voices in Rocker’s head: Concentrate... concentrate... no homophobia... no homophobia... concentrate... ] [ A couple of hecklers sitting next to the Father and kid stand up and start shouting stuff ] Heckler #1: Hey Rocker, you suck ass! Heckler #2: [ sarcastically ] Hey Rocker, can you sign my balls? [ snickers ] John Rocker: [ turning around ] Sure, man, what’s your name? Heckler #2: [ surprised ] Huh? John Rocker: I said, what’s your name, man? If you want balls signed, you better whip ‘em out now, because I gotta pitch here in a sec. [ The hecklers bust out laughing ] Heckler #1: What a queer! Ha ha ha! John Rocker: Hey! That wasn’t very nice! [ jumps into the stands and starts punching Heckler #1; the fans boo and throw popcorn and plastic cups at Rocker; the police come and grab Rocker, carting him away ] John Rocker: [ kicking and screaming ] Hey! Let go of me! Why, those good-for-nothing gay homosexual bastards!!! ... Dammit, I did it again! I gotta watch that... Kid: All right Dad! [ exchanges high fives with Dad ] Father: I knew we’d get him back. [ To hecklers] Good job, guys! Here’s some more money for booze. Heckler #1: [ bruised and bleeding ] Thanks, dude. Hey, beer man! Over here! [ sketch ends as Beer Man comes over to service Hecklers ] Rate or review this sketch. |
