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.....Chris Parnell .....Lorne Michaels .....Amy Poehler .....Tina Fey .....Tracy Morgan .....Darrell Hammond .....Jimmy Fallon .....Jeff Richards .....Seth Meyers .....Chris Kattan [NBC logo appears on screen. Fade into blue text of: A short time from now, in a city not so far away.... [The opening is similar to the Star Wars movies openings. Intsead of space, it is the dark sky of New York City. The music is still the Star Wars theme. Fade to:] SNL Episode 535 It is a time of uncertainy in Studio 8H. Popular long time castmember, Will Ferrell has left for Hollywood and the summer hasn't been kind to Lorne Micheals. The loss of Will, finding his fourth wife with Tobey Maguire, plus his old age has left him on the brink of properly functioning in society. To ensure that the season goes smoothly, the cast has made adjustments so Lorne can get on with his day to day life. The only problem is the adjustments and Lorne's performance as an Executive Producer is adding more stress to the cast. Meanwhile, a young Chris Parnell tries to take advantage of Lorne's confused state as he meets with Lorne in Lorne's office.... [Pan down to the New York Skyline. Fade to Rockerfeller Center.] Lorne's Office - Friday, September 27, 2002 - Day Before Season Premiere [Chris Parnell enters Lorne's office. Lorne is sitting at his desk sleeping. Chris taps Lorne on the shoulder to wake him. He startlers Lorne who awakes. He bats Parnell's hand away with a look of shock on his face] Lorne Michaels: NO! You're not taking me back to Canada! I ment to take the citizenship test in the 80s! I promise just give me one more chance! I'm terrified of moose! I owe the other members of UC Follies money! I still don't know French! I may be a lover but... Chris Parnell: Lorne! Its me Chris. [Lorne is still confused. He squints for a brief second.] Lorne Michaels: The Chris we fired or the questionable sexuality Chris? Chris Parnell: The Chris you re-hired. Are you okay? How could you confuse the two of us? Lorne Michaels: Oh well I guess I'm getting old. You sure you aren't here to take me back to Canada? You smell like maple syrup and beer. Or maybe that's me? Chris Parnell: Lorne I haven't seen you like this since the Tom Green show. Are you up for tomorrow's show? Lorne Michaels: I haven't missed one, ever. Well there was that big gap in the 1980s. And then once in '99 when I was locked in Tracy's dressing room with him. You know that's one of the reason he's hardly in any shows. Unlucky locks. Chris Parnell: Yeah that's super. Anyway I was wondering when I was going to do the new voiceover for the Weekend Update intro? Since I believe it needs some new life to it. [Amy Poehler storms in.] Amy Poehler: Hey I thought you were going to keep my voice! You promised me Lorne! Lorne Michaels: When did I promise this? [takes out his flask and pours the contents into his coffee mug.] Amy Poehler: How could you not remember? It was back in May. Right before we tapped Will's last show? [Lorne drops the mug on the floor to his left, causing it to smash. He then has a breakdown and starts sobbing by placing his head on the desk. Chris seems angry with what Amy said.] Lorne Michaels: WILL! The glue and main attraction of the show! Oouuuu! I've spent thousands of dollars on trying to forget about Will, but everyday I think about him! Without Will we're doomed! Ah who am I kidding! Might as well cancel tomorrow's show!! I'm done! Finished! [continues muttering to himself.] Chris Parnell: How could you be so stupid?! You know what mentioning Will's name does to him! Do you get pleasure from seeing your old confused boss crying?! [Chris Parnell's alarm on his watch goes off. He looks at it and then looks back at Lorne.] Chris Parnell: Look me and Ana have to go meet... and you know talk. You stay here and comfort him. I'll send some help over don't worry! Amy Poehler: But... Damn it! [Amy walks over and bends down. She starts picking up some pieces of shattered mug. Lorne bends over to see if he can see Amy wears a thong or not.] Amy Poehler: Um, Lorne why don't we clean up this mess you made. Lorne Michaels: It isn't time to change my diaper. Amy Poehler: Okay I'm pretty disgusted with the information I just learned. Lorne Michaels: Now you can get out the baby powder. Emm. Like warm... [There is a knock at the door. Amy goes to answer it. She opens the door and steps to the side. Entering the room is Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon dressed as George W. Bush, Darrell Hammond as Steve Batubi, Tracy Morgan, Seth Meyers dressed as James Lipton, and Jeff Richards dressed as a Spartan Cheerleader. Horatio Sanz comes in late dressed as Goat Boy. Horatio realizes that he is out of place.] Horatio Sanz: Ah man! I screwed up again! Sorry Tina, guys. I'll be in my office watching old tapes of SNL from the 80s. [paues] Remember the 80s?! Huh? C'mon. Ehh. [Horatio Sanz leaves the room. Tina leans over to Tracy.] Tina Fey: (whispering) What are you doing? You're aren't supposed to be here. Tracy Morgan: Oh well you see, me and Lorne are going to hit the bars. Gonna find him a fifth wife to take care of him in his old age. Tina Fey: Okay just let us talk to him first. [turns towards a puzzled Lorne.] Lorne, guess what?! Remember those clones of Will you ordered back in '96? Well they're ready! And they're here to perform tomorrow! Lorne Michaels: [squinting] Really? It only took six years and they're ready to perform? Seth Meyers: (doing his best James Lipton impression) It would be a delight! Jeff Richards: Could I say, "Live from New York" tomorrow night, Lorne? Jimmy Fallon: (Texas accent) I thought we came to an agreement that he would. Darrell Hammond: [shaking head] Me? Him? Me? Jimmy Fallon: No him. [Chris Kattan as Neil Diamond walks in] Chris Kattan: Hey Bush! How's Barbs? Lorne Michaels: How about you all say it, my Five Wills. Now I have to make sure Conan O'Brien wears that moustache I suggested he wear. Then me and Tracy are going to a get me a wife. How about that Rachel woman that works here? Her hips look good enough to support my last child. Tracy Morgan: Okay Lorne, I'll go get Dratch while you go talk to the Funny White Dude. Then we're going to drink the night away! I'm going to wake up with such a big hangover I won't be able to be on the show! Everyone Else: Okay. [Lorne gets up and walks out his office with Tracy. Everyone drops the act.] Amy Poehler: I'm going to see if I can warn Rachel. [Amy runs out of the room.] Chris Kattan: Do we have to do this all season? If we do I'll consider leaving the show again. Jimmy Fallon: He should be good after December. Say how good am I as Bush? Tina Fey: I still like Darrell's better. Darrell Hammond: (George W. Bush impression) The SNL viewing audience likes a president with his eyes closed. Jimmy Fallon: What do they know. I just hope Lorne can make the right choice on who does what. Jeff Richards: As much as I like these red pants, I'll only do this unless I get to say the opening line! Seth Meyers: This beard is itchy. I'm not liking this. Can't I be that Fred Friendship character? Tina Fey: First you didn't like being Janet Reno, then you didn't like being Robert Goulet. Now you don't want to be Lipton!? You inexperienced castmembers can be so annoying at times. You know I actually wish there were Will Ferrell clones here. Darrell Hammond: So when will those clones of Will be ready? Tina Fey: Well I heard from Beth that they would be... "Live From New York It's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch. |
